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#173050 - 08/13/07 09:07 PM No dammit, I'm not ok. (triggers)
VN Offline

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
I am so tired of pain, I am so tired of stress, I am so tired right now of everything I can not even be. I don't want to be. I just want everything over. People do not know that. They ask how I am, oh, I'm ok. I am hurting and upset and angry at work and no one knows. Just smile, do what I need to do. The effects of the abuse, they just stay with you. People say oh get over it, it was long ago. Ok, we will make the deal. The day I don't have pain because of 'long ago', that will be the day I just 'get over it'. Or perhaps someone else can do to you what have happened in my life, and we will see how easy it is to 'just get over it'. I am sick of it. I am sick of people not understanding, of not trying to understand, because to try to understand make them uncomfortable. Yes, like I am so very comfortable with all this shit, absolutely. I like nightmares, and panick, and flashbacks. I love feeling ugly and unclean. I am so very comfortable with the physical scars and health damages done. Abuse SHOULD make people uncomfortable. It is a bad, bad thing!! I do not understand it, people not wanting to hear of it, not wanting to allow you to talk honestly on it. If I just feel I want to die, I feel it. I don't act on it, I am not suicidel, just lost and hopeless feeling. And yes, I know that makes people uncomfortable to, even if I say I am not actively harming myself or wanting to, I just want the pain to end. The pain never ends. When there is maybe little minutes without emotional pain, there is physical pain. There is physical pain always. People say to just keep fighting. How long? How long to fight, when you do not have the strength or the energy to deal of it no more? How long to have to fight it when every day, every moment you are awake, you have things that remind you of the past? Pain, or scars, or that I can not hear in my left ear because of my father. There is always the reminders, and they do not take a break. They do not leave ever and let you rest from them. I had one person tell to me, 'oh, I understand, my parents divorced when I was 3'. WHAT?? I am sorry your parents divorced. I wish to hell mine had, but either way, whichever one I lived with, I would have still been abused. You do not understand. Sometime it feel like no one do. When finaly I get something good in my life, that is taken away also. How much do you have to lose before you learn to not try no more? I think I am quite stupid if I have not learn that. I have friend who is facing possibly going to prison for drunk driving, he is panicked of it, he call me crying, so upset of what he have done, and also, fear of prison, he is asking how he is to deal of it if someone in prison rapes him. How the hell am I suppose to answer that question? What do I say? I have never been in prison. I do not understand, and I know I do not understand. What helps? What make anything right now better? I am sick of all of it. NO, I am not ok.


#173052 - 08/13/07 09:22 PM Re: No dammit, I'm not ok. (triggers) [Re: VN]
Hauser Offline

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2963
Loc: United States
You know what I do when someone at work asks me "How are you?", I often tell them "Not good" with a sullen face. Then they typically say "What's wrong?", to which I reply, "I can't talk about it".

Quit telling people that you're ok if you're not. I know that you're just uttering pleasantries when you say that, but it sounds like you need to dispense with them.

I hope you don't laugh when I suggest that you look at what good there really is in you and your life. Perhaps you're just taking them for granted.

For example, I remember I wrote a rant about my life, much like you just wrote above, and you suggested that I have my health, (which is true). My first reaction was like "So what?" But now that I see that Alexander is lying on his death bed, I don't anymore.

#173056 - 08/13/07 09:59 PM Re: No dammit, I'm not ok. (triggers) [Re: Hauser]
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
Hey VN...

I'm glad you took the time and courage to write all of this down!
No good to keep it in, cause then it consumes you and only makes everything look even more black.

But I SO get what you mean.
Thankfully my friends are really supportive and understanding - for as far as they can BE understanding since they did not go trough all of this shit - so I'm very blessed to have them.
I can understand that people want you to 'just get over it'... That's just so much easier then supporting you, cause that isn't easy to do for them either... It's not fair though... You didn't choose to get abused.... So you shouldn't be criticised (sp?) for 'not being over it'...
Anyway. Keep talking and writing here, cause we do understand. And while we may not be in real life, it's much much better then nothing! Take care.


You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

#173079 - 08/13/07 11:43 PM Re: No dammit, I'm not ok. (triggers) [Re: Stefan012]
WalkingSouth Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16270
Loc: Waldport, Oregon
I hear you, VN. So do the rest of your brothers here. We're standing is support of you in any way we can because we too know some portion of your cry.

Lots of love,


"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

#173098 - 08/14/07 12:59 AM Re: No dammit, I'm not ok. (triggers) [Re: WalkingSouth]
MemoryVault Offline

Registered: 03/02/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
You're right, Vitaliy --

I don't know what it is to live the pain you've lived. None of us does. We just know our own pain, and our own answers, and hope we can reach out and help with them. Sometimes, many times, I've been afraid to speak or reach out here because I've said, "I didn't go through THAT," whatever it is.

I think, though, that even if you or I had a twin who went through exactly what we went through, knew our lives in and out, they wouldn't have the magic key to solve everything. What we all have is an understanding of how deeply people can be hurt, a desire to help, and a willingness to listen. You don't have to answer your friend's fear about prison with some great solution--just let him be scared with you there to hear him.

All we know of what you've been through are the things you've told us--we don't know exactly the pain or the feelings, but we'll be here with you while you go through them. Whatever you have to say.


#173105 - 08/14/07 01:12 AM Re: No dammit, I'm not ok. (triggers) [Re: MemoryVault]
trusty Offline

Registered: 05/15/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
I understand where you're coming from, even though it is different from where I am coming from. I'm so in the "fuck the rest of the world" place in my mind right now. So, let it out, bro. I'll listen. I'll agree with what you're saying/feeling/screaming/in pain with...whatever it is. Speak it. We're here for you. Fuck the rest of them that want us to "get over it" like we have the measles or something. We have to work on our time, not theirs.

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

#173112 - 08/14/07 01:38 AM Re: No dammit, I'm not ok. (triggers) [Re: trusty]
Frog Offline

Registered: 08/05/07
Posts: 291
Loc: Arizona

A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: "Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time." When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment, "The one I feed the most."

#173115 - 08/14/07 01:44 AM Re: No dammit, I'm not ok. (triggers) [Re: Frog]
Frog Offline

Registered: 08/05/07
Posts: 291
Loc: Arizona

Just get over it..Give it to GOD...Deal with it, life sucks...
what a fucking cop out...

VN...I've been in ain't fucking nice....
I was forced back into the very things I was trying to run from...forced and coherced rape..I just disconnected to survive...

many "new"/fresh meat/fish" guys died or killed themselves...

So am I survivor or am I in HELL...depends

A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: "Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time." When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment, "The one I feed the most."

#173153 - 08/14/07 06:41 AM Re: No dammit, I'm not ok. (triggers) [Re: Frog]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

When we get to feeling as you do, the best thing in the world is just to let it out. I so hear what you're saying, and I'm glad you've been able to say it. Know you are listened to here, loved, and appreciated just as you are.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#173660 - 08/16/07 05:11 PM Re: No dammit, I'm not ok. (triggers) [Re: roadrunner]
Leosha Offline

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I am glad you get this out, because usually you are not someone to do that. I can relate some to the pain all the time but not to the same degree. I hope something can be done to fix at least the physical pain, because that is emotionally draining also. And then the emotional stuff can be better worked out, I think.


Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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