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#18344 - 05/03/06 07:07 AM Was it sexual abuse?
closedeyes Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/03/06
Posts: 3
Loc: CA

Im confused about whether this was sexual abuse and whether this is affecting me in my present relationship.

When i was 5 years old my uncle put me on his lap and made me kiss him. He was french kissing me. While he was doing this, he was also rubbing my stomach, chest, back. At the time i had no idea what was going on. I was confused. I was also embarrased but had forgotten about it for a while. Then i got into a relationship at age 20, and it all started coming back. I feel like i cant show my girlfriend any emotion. Its difficult for me to show any emotion to her, even though i can show emotion to friends. Its difficult for me to get close to her. Maybe its because shes someone i want to get invlolved with and this past experince is holding me back.

Is it possible that this one experence is having this affect on me? Compared to others who have been sexually abused, my story does not compare to the horror that others had to go through. Any help? answers? Oh and i havent told anyone about what happened to me.

#18345 - 05/03/06 07:56 AM Re: Was it sexual abuse?
WalkingSouth Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16270
Loc: Waldport, Oregon
Hello closedeyes,

First off, let me say "Welcome" to our group. I hope you find what you are looking for.

I'm not a therapist or anything, but my opinion is that what happened to you was abuse. I think most therapists would also classify it as sexual abuse. Certainly it seems to have affected you similarly to those who have been sexually abused.

What you described to us as having happened to you sounds pretty traumatic to me. One of the things I've learned is that there is no such thing as "degrees of abuse". Abuse is abuse whether it be a one time occurrence or repeated many times over a period of years. The affect can be just as devastating.

This sounds to me like something you might want to discuss with a licensed therapist. Scary, I know, but many of us here have taken that step and lived to tell about it. The good therapist can give you valuable feedback in a way that will be helpful to you without traumatizing you in the process.

I wish you good things as you begin to process this event in your childhood.

Lots of love,


"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

#18346 - 05/03/06 07:03 PM Re: Was it sexual abuse?
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

I would certainly call that abuse, and I will just echo what John has said about comparing one case to another. The key point is that THIS is what happened to YOU.

It doesn't surprise me that you are unable to express emotion to your girlfriend. In your mind you are probably linking intimacy with feelings like fear, guilt and harm. As John has said, the best way forward is to see a professional therapist. It's a big step, but one you won't regret.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#18347 - 05/03/06 08:04 PM Re: Was it sexual abuse?
Curtis St. John Offline
Past President
Registered: 01/20/04
Posts: 1798
Loc: Westchester, N.Y.
You should check out this little article here on our site, it's entitled What is sexual abuse.

It is also very easy to be caught up in denying some life challenges by rationalizing that “It wasn’t so bad”… I did the same thing for a very long time. Yet even if there isn’t the 'horror' there is still an inequity of power and your feelings are valid.

If you haven’t already, you should also read:

Ten Facts about Sexual Abuse of Boys and its Aftermath


Myths About Male Sexual Victimization

Welcome aboard.

#18348 - 05/03/06 09:52 PM Re: Was it sexual abuse?
reality2k4 Offline

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6845
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
There is no scale of CSA, it is the outcome and the surroundings affecting the child.
Parents often have little in the way of caring for a child who has gone through it.

Authorities similarly have little experience of dealing with it, nor the aftermath.

If it has affected your life, then I would consider it to be abuse,


Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

#18349 - 05/04/06 12:01 AM Re: Was it sexual abuse?
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
if it felt wrong it it was wrong

its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

#18350 - 05/05/06 08:59 AM Re: Was it sexual abuse?
closedeyes Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/03/06
Posts: 3
Loc: CA
Hi all,

Thank you for all of the replies. There is more to my story than what i had previously posted. I am married, 3 years, and i feel that i have gotten into a relationship that i cannot handle, because of the sexual abuse. There are issues of depression, I can't get emotionally close to her, when we are intimate i get no emotional benefit from it and little sexual benefit from being intimate, i don't feel like i can enjoy sex and often i feel ashamed and embarrased afterwards. I won't let her touch me because i feel so embarrased and ashamed. I usually do not initiate sex. I have nightmares, though not often...lets say once a month or even longer.

Last night i opened up to my wife about what had happened to me. I wanted to end the relationship. She was very supportive and still cared about me the same and didnt want to end the relationship. But it got to the point where she was about to call her parents to tell them to come pick her up. I felt bad, and thought that i could work on my problem, we could both work on it and try to save the marriage. BUT the first thing that came to my mind when i woke up today was, "I have to get out of this relationship, I dont want to continue anymore" Its not her thats making this relationship awful, shes a great girl, it what happened to me.

Im sooo confused...i dont know what i want anymore. I dont know if i want to work at it or just leave and try to solve my problems without her. I've sat and thought about it for a while. I dont know what to do. Please help.

#18351 - 05/05/06 09:04 AM Re: Was it sexual abuse?
Ken Followell Offline
Past President

Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 992
Loc: Bradenton, FL
Give yourself some time to sort out what happened to you before you make any decisions about your marriage. A supportive spouse can be a wonderful thing when you are dealing ith this, but for many of us our first response is to hide. Let her love you and help you heal if she can.

Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
� Rabbi Hillel

#18352 - 05/06/06 06:30 AM Re: Was it sexual abuse?
closedeyes Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/03/06
Posts: 3
Loc: CA
Hi everyone

Well 2 days ago I told my wife about the sexual abuse that happened to me when i was younger. She was supportive, but the very next night she said she wanted to have sex. I was shocked. I had told her just the night before that i was sexually abused and that the sexual abuse had a negative affect on my sex life. That it was difficult for me to have sex and enjoy it. That having sex makes me feel ashamed and embarrased. Then after telling her that i wasn't going to have sex b/c i wanted time to deal with my issues, she asks me when we will be able to have sex and if it will take a while for me to feel secure enought to have sex.

I can't believe she is acting like this. Its like she disregarded everthing i had told her. Its so messed up becuase when i told her that i didnt want to have sex she started crying b/c she wasn't going to get any. What the hell is wrong with her. I dont know what to do.

#18353 - 05/06/06 09:12 AM Re: Was it sexual abuse?
Derdlecar Offline

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1316
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA

I agree with the rest, It was sexual abuse.

And welcome to the board.

Love ya


If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.


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