Newest Members
chairdesklamp, Bill Ohio USA, jez, Long Way Home, Bcbornleo
13595 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
bdr (54), Duane99 (2018), Henry_MD (60), Jimi (64)
Who's Online
1 registered (1 invisible), 31 Guests and 3 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,595 Registered Members
75 Forums
70,718 Topics
493,872 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 11:29 AM
Topic Options
#183170 - 09/28/07 06:24 PM Thoughts on spouse's perp
violet Offline

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US
Getting a cold so I took a nap this afternoon. Had a dream that my husband's perp (a relative) called to confront why we had told husband's parents about him. He was mad at me! I almost wish that he would call me now. I have mixed feelings about him.

I am so angry at him for putting my spouse through all of this.

YES, he may have been abused by someone else, but that doesn't excuse it. I do want to confront him. I want his wife to know. I want her to know because they have young children. I want him to be embarassed.

YET, I also want to tell him that I hope he is able to get help. I want to tell him that I'm sorry it happened to him and that he had no one he could tell. I want to tell him the fact that he was abused wasn't his fault. I want to believe that he won't abuse his children (I don't think he would) I want to forgive him ---

BUT I want to hold on to my anger for him. I need somebody to blame for what we're going through.

I know I'm digesting a lot cause I'm reading Victims No Longer, but I'm completely awash with all kinds of conflicting emotions. If he did call, would I actually have the guts to say I know what you did?


So much for my fuck therapy weekend. <sigh>

Edited by violet (09/28/07 06:26 PM)
I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros

#183185 - 09/28/07 07:04 PM Re: Thoughts on spouse's perp [Re: violet]
sweet-n-sour Offline

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear V:

I so understand your anger in this. I have written several letters to my brother-in-law over this past year and are stored on my hard drive for future reference. They have ranged from absolute feelings of rage to a more civilized approach at voicing my upset. I believe it is important to get angry sometimes and find a constructive way to release this pressure. They say a punching bag helps but for me, push mowing the lawn does wonders for my disposition.
Hang in there and I'm sorry that we all must face this reality.


"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

#183214 - 09/28/07 10:06 PM Re: Thoughts on spouse's perp [Re: sweet-n-sour]
mmac Offline

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
Dearest V,


"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

#183243 - 09/29/07 12:49 AM Re: Thoughts on spouse's perp [Re: mmac]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey

As you said, just because something bad happened to this relative, does not excuse what he did - it may explain it, but that does nothing to relieve the pain your husband went through and is going through. Until the relative takes responsibility for himself and what he did, nothing good or even tolerable can happen in the way you and your husband feel about him and even then it's a big question mark.

I commend you for even find a little piece of your heart to feel sorry for him, I don't know that I could do that.

ROCK ON..........Trish

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.