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#182925 - 09/27/07 11:14 PM Haven't been on for a while....(Language/triggers)
emptydreamer Offline

Registered: 05/19/07
Posts: 276
Loc: Midwest USA
I've been away from the site for a while, things have been rough with the wife and I.

We are trying to resolve our issues, a huge task I must say.

I'm posting here because I'm seeking some insight from un-biased third parties, especially from other women who may be able to share things from a womans perspective.

We are both Soooooo codependent, and helpless it seems, to know how to overcome it. How do you get over being codependent when you have lived over 50 years being so, and over 5 years of being codependent on each other? I know that's a huge question but any bits of information, or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Next. Some things my wife suggested that I ask, and see what the response is.

When she is angry, or upset with me, or feels that I have hurt her feelings, she becomes verbally abusive.

I asked her, how she can say things, horrible things, in what seems to me to be an effort to hurt me, because she feels that my behavior or actions have hurt her. She says that when she gets that angry (she hardly ever admits to being angry, to her, she's just hurt, emotionally) she has no control over what she says. That she does not have to think of what to say, it just comes out. I told her that was not possible, but she insists that it is. So I'm asking the women here, if anyone thinks this could be possible? I'm not talking about just a few cuss words, I'm talking about specific things. I will use one example, just for context. In the middle of cussing, and calling me names, she says, "just because you got fucked up the ass by your daddy".
Sorry to be so blunt, but I want to make sure that you understand the kind of things I'm talking about.

The topic came up when we were actually having a calm discussion.
She started to go through the usual "list" of the things I have said or done, going all the way back to 5 years ago or more, that have "hurt" her. I asked, why do you keep dragging those things up? I have apologized for each and every one of them, over, and over, and over, and what is the point of dragging them up again and again. There is not a single specific incident she can name, that has ever happened again. I do learn from my mistakes, and she admits that.

I then said, you don't see me, dragging up every hurtful thing you have said to me in the past, so I don't understand why you have to do it? I asked what the point is? You know that I regret anything I've done to hurt you, and nothing I've done has ever been done on purpose. She admits that too.

I tried to compare a behavior mistake, to her saying something on purpose just to hurt me and asked her how she would feel, if I just kept repeating her words of hurt to her, over and over and over. Her only response is that "she is a woman" and her emotions are more important than mine, because she's a woman.

I may be asking for it with both barrel's here ladies, but if I am, let me have it, because I just don't get it? If she already feels bad, why drag up every example (she forgets nothing I do, but easily dismisses anything she has done) of the things I may have done when all it does is fuel the anger (pain)?

Thanks for reading my rant, I'm just trying to understand her better.

Best wishes and warmest regards,

I'm here for a reason. Failure is not an option.

#182954 - 09/28/07 12:28 AM Re: Haven't been on for a while....(Language/triggers) [Re: emptydreamer]
savemyfam Offline

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Hi Scott,

I'm so glad that you posted here because I had read one of your posts in the Male Survivor forum and of course could not respond - I started to PM you but felt that it may not be my place.

So here we go with my take on all of this. The behaviors that you describe that your wife has IS MY HUSBAND. Verbally abusive is too kind for the things that he would say to me - at times still does (he and I are seperated). He also would say that he can't control what comes out of his mouth when he's hurt. That is utter bullsh*t. If someone really does not have control over what comes out of their mouth then they need some intense counseling. Sorry if I'm harsh but that is really just not taking responsiblility for your actions.

You had said in the post that I read that she could not read or write, I feel that she probably has a problem with low self esteem. My son is learning disabled in reading and I had him in counseling to make sure that his self esteem didn't suffer. I don't know what her situation is, why she can't read or write but I watched my son sitting in a classroom full of kids that got it and he didn't and it started to really affect him.

My husband lashed out at me the way he did because is a very hurt person and of course you've heard the saying that hurt people hurt people. There is never any excuse for someone being verbally abusive. I came to realize that for some reason my husband stopped respecting me as a human being - I chalked it up to his issues with his CSA and his self loathing. He needed to make me out to be worse of a person then he felt that he was. Do you think this rings true with your wife??

As far as her saying that it's okay for her to do this to you because she's a woman and her emotions are more important than yours - again bullsh*t!!! Your feelings need to matter to her.

As far as being codependant, I think it would benefit both of you to go to couples counseling. My husband and I went 1 time and I thought it was very productive, however he refused to go back.

Scott you don't deserve to be treated in a way that makes you feel like crap. I know from other posts that you feel responsible for her because of the fact that she can't read or write, but you being a decent guy and not wanting to abandon her does not mean that you have to live out a life sentence with someone that treats you horribly. Maybe there needs to come a point that there is an ultimatum of going to counseling or splitting. Again I hope I'm not being too harsh, but this one hits home with me and I got sick of being blamed for my husbands unhappiness, so I removed his unhappiness and now he is even more unhappy without me and our sons. Well you can only kick a dog for so long before it bites you!!!

There needs to be boundries set and if your wife is anything like my husband, it needs to be done with the help of a professional.

Take care Scott and remember that you deserve to be treated good!!


God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

#182964 - 09/28/07 12:54 AM Re: Haven't been on for a while....(Language/triggers) [Re: savemyfam]
sweet-n-sour Offline

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Scott:

Angie has great wisdom as always!!!

What I would like to add is from personal experience. My mother and father belittled each other with horrible names for their entire marriage. They are both 84 years old and still fighting the same fight, the same painful way to this day. What is accomplished by treating someone you are supposed to love with such disrespect? A lifetime of bitterness and hate filled feelings towards each other.

Maybe a simple agreement on rules would help. Does this seem simplistic? When husband and I first got married we attended an engaged encounter weekend. (I know a very Catholic thing to do.) My point is they gave us a list of guidelines to follow and to this day we have yet to call each other names even during the most heated of arguments. We had this list posted for a very long time and I suspect once a couple lashes out at one another in such a way, the subject to which you are fighting about is somehow lost in the "You hurt me so now I'm going to cause you pain back" mode of thinking.

You both need to make a united decision for better and stick to it!

Just for the record, the one word that absolutely sets me off that husband says during his most angry moments directed at me is "whatever!" IN fact, he has a t-shirt he proudly wears with that slogan printed on the front of it.

I'm not sure if this helps but I can truly sympathise with your predicament. I'm sending you my support at most.

Best wishes,

"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

#182996 - 09/28/07 01:41 AM Re: Haven't been on for a while....(Language/trigg [Re: sweet-n-sour]
selene Offline

Registered: 11/10/06
Posts: 221
Loc: midwest

Edited by selene (10/04/07 07:30 AM)
"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery from The Little Prince

#183246 - 09/29/07 01:19 AM Re: Haven't been on for a while....(Language/triggers) [Re: selene]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey

The ladies have all spouted great wisdom and alternatives for you and your wife to try to heal this horrible rift. I'm not feeling so kind. I've read many of your posts about this subject and my blood boils every time. No one has the right to treat you the way your wife does. It doesn't matter one lick to me whether she can read or write, is dependent upon you for the home she lives in and the food she eats. Is she resentful, maybe, I don't see why, but maybe. But it certainly doesn't give her the right to treat you, not only disrespectfully, but so cruel.

Women aren't cruel because they are emotional and laying that crock on you speaks poorly of an entire gender of which I am a part so I personally take offense. If I behave badly or deliberately say something to hurt another person, I fully expect to be taken to task for it because I was the ass. No fault would lay anywhere else but with me. Her reasoning is the same as that of a big bully who tells his wife or his child that they "made him do it" which is the biggest crock of Sh** and the meanest lie in the world.

You don't deserve that crap Scott.

ROCK ON............Trish

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

#183383 - 09/29/07 05:26 PM Re: Haven't been on for a while....(Language/triggers) [Re: Trish4850]
emptydreamer Offline

Registered: 05/19/07
Posts: 276
Loc: Midwest USA
Thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions, I find them to be right on with my own impressions and feelings.

Since the wife and I have started to really look at what being codependent really involves, things have calmed down quite a bit.

She has been very calm, and seems to be taking a close look at herself, and her behavior, and I have been doing the same.

I found a rather extensive list of the symptoms of behavior of codependent people and while I found most of them to apply to me, she admitted that all of them could apply to her.

I can't help but worry that this is just another "calm before the storm" period, but hey, as long as we keep talking, and things stay calm, I'm willing to hang in there.

Hope everyone has the best weekend possible,

Best wishes and warmest regards,

I'm here for a reason. Failure is not an option.


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