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#182419 - 09/26/07 09:21 AM Therapy is shit

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
Its 10am here and i am waiting to leave for my second therapists appointment.
The first T appointment last week, was very unsettling. I tought ok i will only be saying hello to my T, boy was i fucking wrong. I zoned out several times, i ended up on the floor clutching a teddy bear and little me played with toy cars for over half an hour with the t, and little me talked.
I cannot remember any of this, my T has only given me the bare facts. He sys im not ready to be told what we talked about yet.
He assured me that ecerything was ok and i should not worry about not remembering. When im ready i will remember.

I have spent days trying to work out if i should go back to the T today. So much is happening, my life is implodeing and my marriage is fucked. Add to that the events of the last meeting and i find this hard to say, but im very scared.

Scared that even more will come out, after the last T meet, i remembered some more things and i triggered all over the placed.
Several of you have said this is normal, and this does happen, but it scared me and i have been unable to stop zoneing out and triggering.

Its getting worse and im finding it hard to go to the T. I am not scared of him, he put me at ease and i got on alright with him.

Its as you all say, the fallout afterwards.

Got to go as my mate is giving me a lift, my wife says she will not help me with the T as she thinks it just makes me worse. She even today hinted that i should just move on and forget it all.???


#182426 - 09/26/07 11:13 AM Re: Therapy is shit [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
rcm Offline

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 156
Loc: Boston, MA
I am sorry you are having a hard time with that. I hope things get better for you. I will look for you in the chat if you want to talk or just sit together.

Prince Zuko: [looking at a map] How am I going to find the Avatar? He is clearly a master of evasive maneuvering.
Sokka: [cut to him, looking at the same map] You have no idea where you're going, do you?

#182429 - 09/26/07 12:39 PM Re: Therapy is shit [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
i did go to see the T, it took me several times to go into his office.

I had a very bad time, we started to talk about primary school and it all went to shit.
I started to think and came back to this world curled up on the couch crying. So fucking weak, this is not me. I don't want all this fucking shit.
I know its my fault: i did not tell
i did not run away
i did as they said



THIS WORLD THIS LIFE IS SHIT NO FUCKING REST FROM THE PAIN. THERAPY WILL HELP ?. THERAPY WILL DRIVE THE FUCKING HOLLOW SHARDS DEEPER SHATTERING THE POINT OF ME.................................................................................................................................................................................................

#182447 - 09/26/07 02:13 PM Re: Therapy is shit [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
jf Offline

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 54
listen dude i'm in the same position as you. My view is that it took a lot of hurt to get this point and its not going to be ice cream and cotton candy getting out of it. Keep your eye on the long run and realize that you're on the path to learn how to cope with this shit. You clearly opened up to this T more than you've ever opened up to anyone. That's the first step. I posted immediately after my first T session last week while i was elated to talk to somebody. The next day i felt like someone had taken me and rung me through the ringer again. It's the way our minds work! If you want to talk dude i'm here for you.

#182481 - 09/26/07 04:59 PM Re: Therapy is shit [Re: jf]

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
my T is one of the good ones, he is able to handle me zoning out and knows what to do if and when i split. But its me that does not know what to do, i have hidden this for so long i thought it had just seeped away.
Now its back and its on full power, its in my head twenty four seven. In the last two months i have not had an hour without thinking about it.
Its burning me out i don't sleep longer than about two hours per day, i have gone from 15 stones to under 14 stones. I have several lines of thoughts runnign through my head at the same time. All contradicting each other.
I'm zoning out more often and it seems that simple things are triggering me all over the place.
Today my wife started another row after we talked about how i needed to think about myself first and others nexted. I tried to explain that i feel lost and need to find myself and sort all this out. I was accused of being self centred and not caring about her. I just cant find any energy or feelings for anything or anyone. She kept on saying if i did not want her here then i should say, i nearly did say the words, but stopped because i do not want to hurt her.
I do not know what to do or think, life has just stopped and its going backwards.

Thankyou all for your words and taking time to answer my post.


#182491 - 09/26/07 06:16 PM Re: Therapy is shit [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
trusty Offline

Registered: 05/15/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Dear, Dear Backspin,
Yes, it's hard on our's hard for them to understand...but YOU DESERVE THIS CHANCE to get yourself under control...i have to think that because you trust this T that you must continue...even as fucked up as you feel before, during and IS releasing the bad past.

One other must not blame yourself for not running away...not telling anyone...that is what these assholes did to us...made it so we couldn't run from it...which only makes the guilt so much harder.

My wife thinks it's incredible that, at age 49, i don't know who the hell i am any more...i'm fortunate that she says she'll wait for me to figure that out...i wish for you and your wife much peace in this awful time...hang tough.

We're with you...keep doing this incredibly difficult WILL move forward...out of this day you'll know you're doing the right thing...good for are strong.

Much love coming your way,

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

#182493 - 09/26/07 06:20 PM Re: Therapy is shit [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
MusicMan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/23/03
Posts: 146
Loc: Elmira, NY
Wow Backspin, I was almost waondering as I read your posts if I (besides some of the expletives) wrote your posts myself. All I could say as I read them was, "Oh my gosh" over and over again.

Have I ever been there, bother. I have split plenty of times in therapy. I become that little child, experienced the PTSD over and over and over (Yuck!). It's everything you said...everything. It does get better though...eventually. It takes a while. I have been in therapy for 4 years, including a 5-week inpatient stay. It has been the ride of my life!

Just hang with the therapy. Don't give up. It does make you feel washed out and like you've touched down on another planet. Loved ones do not understand. I hear you. But, somewherre down taht road, it does get better.

God bless,
John, The Music Man.

#182508 - 09/26/07 07:04 PM Re: Therapy is shit [Re: MusicMan]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

I feel for the hell you're in right now, and all I can really say is try to trust your T. It's a VERY good sign when he says you're not ready to hear what you told him when you dissed out. That means he's keen on keeping you safe and getting you through all this with the minimum of new trauma and pain.

Man, I hear you when you talk about troubles at home! But keep talking to your wife, and perhaps she should have a session with your T by herself. She needs to be able to speak about her own concerns and also to get some perspective on why you need to go through all this.

Therapy is rough, bro - no two ways about it. But you know what? I thought I would never learn to accept my T, talk to her and trust her with the heavy stuff. But there came a time when she knew it all AND STILL told me I wasn't to blame. I knew things were headed in a good direction when I discovered one day that I had TWO safe places in the world: my own home and my T's office.

You will get there, bro. Hang in there.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#183441 - 09/29/07 08:24 PM Re: Therapy is shit [Re: roadrunner]

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
Thank you for all the kind words and for replying to my post.

The last few weeks have been nearly impossible and i have found it very hard to keep things level in my head.
My home life is in pieces. I try to talk to my wife but she does not even try and is just telling me to get myself in order and carry on.
When we talk she just closes up and keeps saying the same things over and over. I told her how i feel and ended up crying in front of her. She just looked at me and said i should grow up and not let the past destroy what i am now.
I have reached the point were i cant feel anything for her and i don't like being in the same room as her.
I just want to get myself in order and cant afford to feel anything for anyone else.
I have also missed so many days this month from work that my wages are only half what they are normally. I panic at work and get all confused, i cant think straight and keep forgetting what i am supposed to be doing. I have not been able to tell the wife this, and when she sees how much money i have lost she is going to go nuts.
I come into chat, not always to talk but just to be around people, but i think I'm even messing this up. I feel that people are getting pissed off with me. I am sorry for being down, i cant help but feel the way i do. I'm trying to be level and keep my head together, but i feel like screaming help me i cannot go on like this.
But i sit here in chat and keep silent and the anger builds. Not at any of you but at myself. I am asked a question and i think of an answer but time has gone on and others have spoken. I find i am scared of answering. I don't want to interrupt others and i cant always find the words.
I try to interact with others in chat but i cant find the connection. You have all been so helpful and have reached out to me, but I'm scared and crying in frustration at myself, i feel that i have annoyed and pissed you all off.
I want so much to talk and just let it all out, but when others are happy i just bring the room down. I also zone out a lot and im triggering more and more, im splitting a lot more, for most of my life i could keep this under control, but since i have come out and told some of my story and started to talk to a T, i have been unable to control the splitting. This scares me more and more each day.

I'm so all alone and scared i don't know what to do, everything is getting on top of me and i just retreat deeper into myself. I know i will lose everything but i am scared and crying all the time.

Sorry to everyone here..



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