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#182263 - 09/25/07 02:09 PM We're back together again...
beccy Offline

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Ok, so my bf has come back home.
We've talked and established a problem in communication reguarding his sexuality.

I am not going to go into great detail, but am now of the opinion that he cannot move forward, and therefore we cannot move forward until he faces/processes all the emotions connected to both CSA and also family stuff. I wonder if he actually needed there to be some space here with us, in order for him to get on with that? He agrees that he's not faced most of it yet.....

I also feel irritated that his T has passed negative comment about me coming here to malesurvivor. It seems he's suggested that my ONLY hope is that his desire for men will go away and that by coming here, I am seeking the reassurance of such a hope..........Firstly why would he even be dwelling on a possible negative of my coming here, when it is one of the few sources of support available?? Secondly, if i have been wishing my bf's desires towards men disappear, I hardly think that's some kind of unreasonable wish!!! However, I am not a naive person, nor am I without my own quirks of sexuality and as such, I do not expect his desires to be erased. Only that his perspective and understanding of them might change, along with the dysfunctional behaviours which sabotage his and OUR chances of happiness together. Of course, if his desire is deeper than the physical resonse he's been left with and comes from a place of genuine attraction, my hopes of all of that are void and useless......

.......but he is telling me he's not attracted to men, so I feel angry with his T.

The other thing I feel angry about, is that it seems his T has also been suggesting that another negative about my coming to this site, is the focus on abuse. He called it viewing our relationship through the prism of abuse.......stating that it suggests avoidance of other(more valid???)issues, such as differences to do with upbringing etc etc...........

I don't know what anyone else here thinks about this, but I'd love to here any opinions.....

Am now feeling like his T is making me out to be some kind of enemy, instead of a woman who's had the ground ripped out from under her feet this past few years.......


#182273 - 09/25/07 03:02 PM Re: We're back together again... [Re: beccy]
sweet-n-sour Offline

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Beccy:

On second thought, I'll PM you...


Edited by sweet-n-sour (09/25/07 03:11 PM)
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

#182395 - 09/26/07 02:45 AM Re: We're back together again... [Re: sweet-n-sour]
Brokenhearted Offline

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX

I think you are doing great and it sounds like while y'all were apart you got a little more clarity of thought, which is always good.

"his T has also been suggesting that another negative about my coming to this site, is the focus on abuse. He called it viewing our relationship through the prism of abuse.......stating that it suggests avoidance of other(more valid???)issues, such as differences to do with upbringing etc etc..........." -- I've sort of worried about this back when our T suggested the same thing to me, but it was hard to see it from that viewpoint since EVERYTHING seems to pertain to his abuse, the things that are giving us problems and everything. Maybe the T could go into detail about just what else could be a problem, in case it could be background or upbringing... he might have a valid point even though I'm w/ you whereas I think 99% of the problems we have are abuse-related.

I hear your frustration and understand it. But it also sounds like you're getting a bit stronger - it really does sound like it - and maybe part of it is the clarity that comes from being separate a bit to gather - and be able to hear - your own thoughts, which is SO important in achieving a more adequate and accurate view of the situation.

Remember, there are other T's and sometimes maybe the T isn't the right one. I'd just hate to see y'all fall apart b/c of this T. I think T's can be great since they're objective, but as always, I say mostly trust your own GUT feelings. If you truly feel (as I do) that most problems are abuse-related then stick to that.

I hope before this year is up (did I say this at this time LAST yr?) we will all be a few steps closer to healing of these problems. At the very least I tell myself that each day is one more day *away* from the abuse in time, and thus one more day closer to safety for them, and one more day closer to them opening up more to us - something I'm particularly waiting for. Did you ever journal in order to see how much progress is being made? It helps me to do that once in a while just to see that things ARE moving along even if they are at a snail's pace.

I send you a very heartfelt cyberhug and wish you some peace as you ponder the latest in your journey.


It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

#183247 - 09/29/07 01:28 AM Re: We're back together again... [Re: Brokenhearted]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey

Will he let you talk to his T? I can tell you from first hand experience that sometimes what our guys hear and interpret during therapy is not necessarily what was said or intended by the T.

The first couple of times I was invited to a T session with my b/f, his T and I had disagreements, not fights, we just weren't seeing things from the same place. The T sees our guys for an hour a week, maybe two, we're there the rest of the time so our perspectives are naturally different. We're also at odds in some things. The T's job is nothing more than protecting and healing our guy, we want that too - badly - but we're also trying to live our own lives. Sometimes that causes a clash of ideals.

If your b/f would agree, maybe you can have a sort of meet and greet with his T, not therapy, just a get to know you session and you can both sort out your different, yet similar objectives.

ROCK ON........Trish

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.


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