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#241822 - 08/01/08 10:03 PM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: Trish4850]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area

WELCOME! I'm so excited you decided to join us! I had to read what Trish wrote for myself as my husband just joined. I don't think he'll be telling anyone who he's married to but we'll see what he does. I'm not sure if he'll ever even post. At least he's poking around. \:\)

I'm happy that you can now vent and get some support. You can also see what other men are feeling and see that what is going on with your man is not so different then how other men react to the abuse.

Welcome again

Life is to short to blend in

#242691 - 08/06/08 04:04 AM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: dangal]
James Landrith Offline

Registered: 07/08/08
Posts: 40
Loc: Alexandria, VA, USA
Originally Posted By: dangal
Yep, I had to get over why didn't you trust me real quick. He needs me, he needs me to be strong, supportive and loving. He has enough guilt to deal with. I'm sad some days about all the wasted time, but it's not his fault....he could only do what he could do...and keeping that secret was very important to keeping him sane. It was the most intense, scary moment I've ever had the day I sat down and refused to listen to the "didn't happen" speech after I had some concrete knowledge of the abuse. His anger was huge, his fear bigger. I'll never forget the day he let it all out...he's not filled with rage anymore. Thanks for the reminder Muldoon.

My wife got over it pretty quickly - or at least that is how it seems. As she is a survivor herself and her healing was very difficult and took nearly all 15 years of our marriage, I choked back my own issues to be there for her. I often feel guilty about telling her as (even though she denies it) she feels less able to come to me when she is triggered and needs comforting. I had repressed it for 17 years and then it all bubbled up in early May and smacked me around hard. It took me two months to work up the courage to tell her and only then because I froze up during sexual contact she initiated.

How do you tell your rape survivor wife that you were also raped but had kept it a secret not only from her but from yourself?

As both a secondary survivor and a survivor, I ask partners to understand that we are not being deceptive for the sake of it. We oftentimes can't admit it to ourselves, let alone our loved ones. I know it took me 17 years to admit it personally. I certainly couldn't tell her if I wasn't ready to accept the truth myself.

Member of RAINN Speakers Bureau and syndicated blogger
Good Men Project author
Vice President, Men Recovering from Military Sexual Trauma

#242708 - 08/06/08 05:12 AM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: James Landrith]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
James, hi read your other post first in how did you know, ignore my questions. you answered them here.

My H always tells me that I have no idea what he went through, since I was not abused. you and your wife have shared a similar experience. you do have an idea what she went through, and so does she. I am sorry you both had to go through it,but use this common knowledge to your advantage, you each know first hand the pain and repercussions this has, so you may have a better handle than most of us on how to support the other.

your last paragraph was awesome. Thanks for sharing it.


#244156 - 08/13/08 01:22 AM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: Muldoon]
oriolesguy Offline

Registered: 08/13/08
Posts: 125
Loc: Long Island, NY
How to tell? One reason I'm on this forum is that I can't tell my wife. She's knows something's up but I just can't deal with that. I don't want to hurt her - or us - ever. I just wish I had your courage.

#244163 - 08/13/08 02:06 AM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: oriolesguy]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey

Welcome to the F&F forum. I won't tell you that you have to tell your wife, but I will tell you that you should. As hard as knowing is, not knowing it worse and the fact that she knows "something's up" may mean she feels she is the cause of whatever it is. You won't hurt her by telling her the truth, but she will hurt - for you. The difference is that she's probably hurting now but has no idea why.

ROCK ON......Trish

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

#244221 - 08/13/08 11:16 AM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: Trish4850]
oriolesguy Offline

Registered: 08/13/08
Posts: 125
Loc: Long Island, NY
Thanks for the welcome.
There's validity in what you say, but taking a risk like that is pretty scary. I know I should say something, but it's almost as though I would rather keep the pain with me than risk hurting her - or us. We've already been through a big tragedy before - we lost a son - and this - the other big tragedy in my life - happened to me, not to her. Don't you think it would be an unfair burden to her?

#244225 - 08/13/08 11:47 AM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: oriolesguy]
Abigale Offline

Registered: 07/16/08
Posts: 28
Loc: Northern NJ
hi Oriolesguy
Trish is right, you should tell your wife. As a spouse we want to help you through this. I am married 20 years and my H is opening up to me everyday. I view him no different. Matter of fact I think I love him more. I want to be there to guide him through, hold his hand if need be.
He was shutting me out for a while, now he is different. He told me the more he talks about it the better he feels.
Sorry about the loss of your son, I am sure that brought you closer.
You will do what you feel you need to, but think about it. Would you want her to tell you if the rolls were reversed? You would want to be there for her correct?
Will keep you in my prayers.

#244232 - 08/13/08 12:05 PM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: Abigale]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1

Have you seen my post on disclosure being a mistake? There are replies there in opposition and in support of the position.

Its in the F&F forum. I feel you ought to hear testimony from both sides.

Linked here

#244247 - 08/13/08 01:21 PM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: Still]
Junefriday Offline

Registered: 06/06/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Oriolesguy, consider this another comment from a partner.

My husband did NOT disclose to me voluntarily. For 4 months I watched him change without having any idea of what was going on with him. I listened to his rants, I took his abuse and in the end, it greatly effected by self-esteem. I thought all the problems in our marriage were because I was a bad wife.

His family felt horrible for me and assumed I knew about the CSA. When it was clear to them that he hadn't told me, I had noticed enough general remarks and knowing glances from one person to the next to spark my own theorizing. When it got to a point where the marriage was pretty much in the gutter and I felt I had nothing to lose, I asked him about it. He told me in a very non-emotional, high-level way.

I didn't want to hear it from anyone else. I wished he had come to me voluntarily. I feel horrible that I forced him to talk about something painful and something that he didn't want to share. But more than anything, I feel insulted that he didn't trust me enough. I feel hurt that he let me believe that everything was my fault. I feel disappointed that he watched me crumble and felt nothing of the pain that I had endured.

Since then, I've done my research. While I have set boundaries on what I am willing to take, I refuse to endure his abuse. I do understand that he likely isn't even aware of how poorly he is treating me. I also understand that it isn't fair to expect him to feel my pain when he can't yet deal with his own. As a result, I have taken charge of my life and my needs and have found the care and comfort that I require to deal with all of this, in other friends and family that love me.

The other people on this site that speak against disclosure make very significant arguments, ones that you should not disregard. I cannot imagine what it is like to share something so personal only to be blamed, shunned and rebuked. But, I CAN speak personally to what it is like to NOT know and still suffer the same outcome, without ever understanding why.

I cannot imagine what my mental state would be like right now if my H had refused to tell me. Despite the fact that our marriage is on its way to over, the best gift he ever gave me (and my H at one point was a very sweet and generous man) was that one moment of honesty. For that I will always be greatful.

"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

#244338 - 08/13/08 10:29 PM Re: The Greatest Act of Love - Telling You [Re: Junefriday]
oriolesguy Offline

Registered: 08/13/08
Posts: 125
Loc: Long Island, NY
Thanks for the responses. I'm wrestling with this constantly. Yes, the loss of our son brought us closer, but that was OUR pain. We shared it, and for the most part we have gotten to a point where we can deal with that. But being raped before I was married is MY pain. My marriage is pretty decent, and I'd like it to stay that way. Maybe I'm too much in a comfort zone with that, maybe I'm confused. I'm also ashamed as hell.
If the roles were reversed and I didn't know about it.... I don't know. I guess I'd want to know, but I'd first feel anger toward the perpetrator. I don't want anything to hurt what I love.
I'm trying to consider all options. I'm still confused.

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