I'm trying not to be so focused on the past. Well, before I leave him behind, I'm putting Robbie's story back up so he has one last shout-out.
Hi. My Name is Rob. "Robbie" is the 7.5 yr-old who I was just before I was devastated.
I was pulling my sled home to my new upper-middle class suburban home after a great day of hill-running with my friends. I saw the pack of 4 older boys (12-yrs-old) ahead of me. They chased-off my frnd Mark before I got there. One grabbed my sled rope and headed for the woods trail. The others led me into the woods. I thought they just wanted to give me a hard time. Then I thought that they were ordering me to take my pants off just to "see" me. I had no idea what was coming. I was raped. I'm not sure how many of the 4 penetrated me. I sort of blacked-out after the first. I remember putting myself back together and realizing that they had used my underwear to for something. It was a mess. I remember thinking "how can I go home without my underwear?" I never told. I never went out till the spring (just went to school and home again). What happened next was the end of me.
The next summer (at 8yrs old), I carried a knife to ward-off another attack. One of that same crew approached and wanted something...I don't know what... but we ended-up in a fight and I used the knife. He went to the ER. Police came. Though I was not arrested or charged (as witnesses said he came for me), I was instant DIRT in that neighborhood. Thus, OPEN SEASON ON ROBBIE!
For the next two full years I endured my rapes and forced acts on that crew of evil bastards. What could I do? Even my own white-bread family had turned on me. I wa sa "knife attacker" after all. If I told adults what these kids were doing to me, it would have come back on ME. I had NO credibility...no hope.
Once one of them moved away, the remaining 3 lost their suburban basement bar/rape-room hang-out(4 doors down from me). BUT from age 10-14 I acted out including prostitution with older neighborhood kids who would pay me for oral and/or anal sex.
I had one new friend (he lived in the old "rape house").
December 1972...There was an adult x-mass party upstairs at that house and we kids had our kiddie party (I'm now 12 yrs -old at this point)in the basement bar (I know...the scene of SO many crimes...how could I be there?). My friend's older brother brought his new friend over...this "new frnd" was one of "them." in fact, he was the most evil of the old crew.
Long story short...I ended up drunk from spiked punch. He, a large and strong bastard, got me outside and raped me once again.
Even though I was sexually active by then, I was fully devastated by this rape. I lost all touch with the real world. I lost a full month of memory from that year. I TRULY wanted to die. A life-long girl friend talked me down from the ledge twice.
It took a long time to learn to walk amoung the real humans...to get an education...a career...a family...to "ignore all that stuff from long ago." SUCK IT UP AND GET ON WITH THE LIFE YOU'VE BEEN DEALT! IT NEVER HAPPENED TO YOU!!! IGNORE IT!!! That never entirely worked anyway. I still led a greatly muted and frightened life full of self hate and self injury.
As of January 2007, ingoring it no longer worked at all. Today, I'm left emotionally fried-over, self injuring, distraught, and suicidal to the point of hospitalization. All that I have in this world is hanging by a thread as a result of the abuse and life-destruction.