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#180277 - 09/14/07 03:55 PM Re: The Parents Rant *very triggering* [Re: healingpartner]
sweet-n-sour Offline

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Violet:

I'm sorry if my concerns about my children sitting in therapy someday placing blame on my husband and I was upsetting. I've just realized that patterning plays such an important role in how we raise our own made me consider how far back did this actually go? Like many, I'm sure I've said some things to my children, responses to them that after the words spilled from my mouth that I've stood back perplexed, "oh my, where did that come from?" Pause, sigh..."I sounded just like my mother did many years ago."

WE are all doing our best in this. My father-in-law had made the statement during the course of our 19 years of marriage that he was "tough" on his kids growing up...that he was raised the exact same way by his father who believed in whooping him. IT is deeply sad and unfortunate that as a boy he never promised to do better by his own children, that when he felt the great humiliation of a whooping that he didn't secretly vow that he would never impose such a thing on anyone else. I am also furious that he WAS a great contributor to the dynamics that enabled my husband to be abused. He beat my husband, he beat his siblings, he was an alcoholic who was selfish, arrogant and abusive. I feel a lot of anger at him for his part in the mistreatment of a truly wonderful boy, my husband. There is no excuse for what he has done or what he had done to him by his own father. I guess my point is however, that we as parents are all responsible and accountable for our children now in the present.

I feel that this legacy is causing our children harm even to this day...however, we all must find a way to pull ourselves up and through this mess to make their world full of happiness regardless of what obsticles we currently face. This crisis in our lives has been the most difficult thing that I have ever experienced. If I can manage to find a way to make the day better through laughter and goofiness, to make both of them realize that just because we are facing some very heavy stuff right now, that they are still very much the best part of husband and I together...a genuine treasure in our lives...then maybe, just maybe if they need therapy someday; the fun, the laughter, the good times shared will outshine the rest of this mess and they will realize we did our best to come out of this for a better quality of living. That mom and dad are human with human feelings and limitations.

I'm sorry if I made you feel convicted for expressing your feelings. YOUR feelings are valid and my response was not intended to step over them in any way. I have such feelings as well towards the my husband's abusers as well as those that have harmed him through the family dynamics indirectly.

What you said just sparked some realizations about how I might be failing my own children. It is a difficult role, this parenting thing and without knowing what a healthy family is like exactly, how can I possibly do better?

Again, if I caused you any grief or guilt over your feelings regarding this, I am sorry.


Edited by sweet-n-sour (09/14/07 04:15 PM)
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

#180288 - 09/14/07 04:32 PM Re: The Parents Rant *very triggering* [Re: sweet-n-sour]
violet Offline

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US

You have nothing to apologize for. I didn't take your comments in any way other than they were written. And sometimes being convicted of something is a good thing, it frees you to see things as they are and not just from your own limited view.

The truth is that I have been pretty self-righteous and my feeling that way didn't have so much to do with your post as my realization that I just wasn't being very patient with my husband. I was so worn out and frustrated, I couldn't handle it.

This week I really had to re-evaluate my state of mind. I was allowing my circumstances to control me. Its a never ending battle. But we all do the best that we can. I know for a fact that my parents never made a "battle plan" to provide for my siblings and I emotionally.

We wash their clothes, prepare their meals, help them with school work, but how much more important to invest in their emotional development.

Sweet-N-Sour, we are doing the best we can with our kids. If we are loving, honest, and open, that will go a long way in preparing them for whatever lies ahead.


P.S. Thanks for being willing to share about parenting/dealing with CSA because that is a difficult area to navigate.

I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros

#180290 - 09/14/07 04:47 PM Re: The Parents Rant *very triggering* [Re: violet]
violet Offline

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US

your line
really did something to me. I cannot tell you how that has affected me and my response to my mate. Your post really got to see a lot of stuff clearly. Thank you for having the guts to share that. I hope it was cathartic. It certainly was for me just to read it.


I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros

#180354 - 09/15/07 12:49 AM Re: The Parents Rant *very triggering* [Re: violet]
memoryjogger Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/11/07
Posts: 7
Loc: VA
violet, I had to look up what cathartic meant. It was.

This is all so overwhelming. I've been so angry this week. First with his parents and now I can't get over this nagging feeling that this is not what I signed up for. I feel cheated. And I feel guilty for feeling that.

<sighs> All I want is for us to feel normal again. I guess Chuck hasn't felt normal since he was a little kid though.

I'm not much help on the kids issues since we don't have any kids and though we'd like to, we decided to wait for a little while. But that worries Chuck too.


#180385 - 09/15/07 04:04 AM Re: The Parents Rant *very triggering* [Re: memoryjogger]
Agape Girl Offline

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Children worry my bf too, he admitted to me that's why he hasn't had any so far.

means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

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