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#179589 - 09/11/07 09:25 AM Re: Embarassing Sexual Question- TRIGGERS [Re: Frog]
Rachael Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/27/07
Posts: 11
Loc: Qld Australia
Hi memoryjogger,

Up until a couple of weeks ago this was a very real and mind consuming issue with my partner and I. He too was abused and sexualized at a young age and loves receiving anal sex too. On my part though, I had been 'into' strap on sex for quite a while before I had met him and didn't have any hangups around it. I have always had the belief that if its consentual then pretty much anything goes.

As we started to explore being intimate in that way with each other, I could see how his personality would change and he would become very submissive and feminine in his responses and it was confusing for me because I am not at all attracted to women..... This is very hard for me to talk about because he does read the forum and it is a very personal and difficult subject that although we have now come to peace with it, I had a really hard time with it.

As we got closer and dealing with his abuse became more intense, I did start to question whether what we were doing was healthy to his recovery or was I just helping him to 'act out' and try to get a better ending as is discussed in many books I have read on male sexual abuse. It did start tearing me apart because he wanted it so often and I did enjoy giving him pleasure but I couldnt see past his abuse and my fear that I was somehow abusing him too.

He over and over told me that he loved it and it never triggered any thoughts of past acts done to him and that how I did it was loving and tender and how his abuser did it was with absolute pain and violence and can't I see that its totally different. During this stage of his recovery he was starting to face his bisexuality....he had had sex with men on a few occasions before he and I met and a few months ago we had another man join us in a 3some. I would be a liar if I said I didnt enjoy the experience as much as my partner did however it did open my eyes a LOT to just how much he loved receiving anal sex.

So down I went into dark thoughts of "I dont have a penis so I will never make him totally happy" "If I don't keep making love to him with the strap on he will start cheating to get the satisfaction he craves" "I am no better than his abuser" "will I ever be enough for him" .....thoughts along those lines.

It eventually became a huge issue and I just couldnt cope with the turmoil it created in my head so I went to see our shrink. She basically told me to stop making love with him that way because even if he couldnt see it, it was doing him harm. She also told me I would never have to worry about him cheating with a woman, and to never again invite another man into our sexual relationship as it was playing with fire and I would be the one burnt.

So I tried to pull back from making love that way....and please dont get me wrong, we do have sex the 'normal' way more often then we have anal.....and that caused tension and I eventually had to confess what our shrink had said to me and why I was reluctant to make love to him. After a week or so of going around in circles discussing it between ourselves we booked in together to talk it thought with our shrink.

She was still of the opinion that it was wrong to be doing and my partner was quite open and honest with why he liked it and how upsetting it was to be told its wrong. He said something then which is exactly how he sees it......If I had been raped would she be telling us that he could never again make love to me vaginally???

We talked for a long time about it and our shrink came to see that what we do now has no relationship with what happened in his past. That he became submissive and feminine had more to do with his masculinity issues than it had to do with sex. He posted a while ago in the Sexual Identity section of the forum about all of that under the heading 'This is breaking my brain' if you would like to understand a bit better what i mean.

The past couple of weeks he has made incredible progress with dealing with all of that and now can see that he hated men and thought them all as abusers so didnt want to be a man and assumed a LOT of female characteristicss to help him cope with his distorted view the abuse gave him and the history he had been hiding all those years. Today he is accepting that he is a man and sees himself as a straight guy that loves anal sex and is no longer playing the feminine role when we are intimate.................... Its been quite a journey.

Memoryjogger, I am sorry if reading my story has left you more confused about what to do about it. I plan on showing my post to my partner before I post it, mainly to ensure he is ok with me discussing something very personal that happened with us but also because he may have some advice as well.

I know that I am talking from a different perspective because I enjoy being able to give him pleasure that way and that you are not into it makes it maybe a bit harder to understand how someone could enjoy anal sex. That your partner has an abuse history does make it harder to understand how he could find it pleasureable.

I've been coming to read these forums for about 9 months now and as you can see I have only just recently joined and this is my first post (which i never intended to be so long) I too have never seen this subject discussed and realise that because there is such a massive stigma attached to male sexual abuse that maybe makes it the touchy subject it is.

I believe now my partner genuinely enjoys anal sex for no other reason than that it feels good. The realisation I can now make love to him guilt free has been nothing short of empowering for both of us and only strengthened our relationship.

I hope I have not stepped over anyones boundaries with my reply. I know I havent really offered any advise but I just wanted you to know that NO you arent the only couple with this issue. If anything I hope that is at least a comfort.


#179591 - 09/11/07 11:55 AM Re: Embarassing Sexual Question- TRIGGERS [Re: Rachael]
sweet-n-sour Offline

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
I believe it's not about what two consenting adults do in the bedroom, it's the feelings that are conjured by the act that they are participating in. Anyone can be satisfied, and there are probably hundreds of ways to accomplish this. In the end it's the connection, love, understanding, emotional trust and committment that surrounds the sex that makes the entire experience rise to an entirely different level of meaning.

No matter who you are or what your sexual orientation, having someone that genuinely loves you that you share this "meaning" with is the BIG difference between something abusive and something loving. We all must however, be true to our own personal beliefs and never be manipulated into doing something we don't agree with just to keep someone glued in our life.

This is just my two cents worth of thought on this subject.


Edited by sweet-n-sour (09/20/07 11:21 AM)
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

#179594 - 09/11/07 12:02 PM Re: Embarassing Sexual Question- TRIGGERS [Re: sweet-n-sour]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
i cant agree that lots of straight guys like to do this ,maybe confused guys .

its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

#179618 - 09/11/07 01:32 PM Re: Embarassing Sexual Question- TRIGGERS [Re: shadowkid]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
On a physical level, the area around your anus has nerve cells which respond with pleasure to contact that the brain perceives as pleasurable. Also respond with pain from stimulation that feels painful. So, anal stimulation is or can be pleasurable for a lot of people.

On an emotional level, some people, whether anally abused or not, will process the experience differently. It may play out as degradation, punishment, or a re-enactment of the sexual abuse.

It may also be a way to feel like a woman for those men who have gender identity issues which, maybe Rachel's partner may have.


Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse

#179655 - 09/11/07 04:42 PM Re: Embarassing Sexual Question- TRIGGERS [Re: memoryjogger]
rcm Offline

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 156
Loc: Boston, MA
There is nothing wrong with that since the anus has nerve endings and stimulation results in pleasure. Some folks like it some don't, male or female, gay or straight. Some like to give some like to receive, some don't.
As for me, and I haven't figured this out completely, I'd love to try but have never done it because I freak out. I don't understand my response. I am terrified.
I guess it should be fairly obvious but it's not.
So regarding your comment if this might have to do something with CSA I think it created the opposite effect on me. I have no idea if it can make someone like it. Not in my case, just the opposite.
Hope this helps.

Edited by rcm (09/11/07 04:42 PM)
Prince Zuko: [looking at a map] How am I going to find the Avatar? He is clearly a master of evasive maneuvering.
Sokka: [cut to him, looking at the same map] You have no idea where you're going, do you?

#179692 - 09/11/07 08:01 PM Re: Embarassing Sexual Question- TRIGGERS [Re: rcm]
kellygtx Offline

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
To All -

Just having a place to read and post on this subject is refreshing. I too "enjoy" anal sex - and unfortunetly acted out to get..I don't know, I would not say satisfaction as I hardly remember it at all - like I was not there, but I know I did. I also say "enjoy" because it is so intertwined with my abuse and gives me such anxiety (and such a rush) I don't understand how I could like it...but I do, or at least I want to do it again. Least anyone think different I have not in a long time and will not again while in my current relationship with my wife as I do keep promises to myself.

Does that mean I don't enjoy sex with my wife? No. Does that mean I don't like the look and feel of a vagina? No. Does that mean I am gay? I don't know. All I do know is that it makes me feel guilty and full of shame.

And I can't discuss this with my wife. She considers this just abhorrent behavior.

What I wanted to say was keep talking and keep sharing. If you can talk with your spouse / mate about this without embarressment that is more than 1/2 the battle. Please TALK. I know how isolating it can be when you feel you can't talk. At least if you can talk no one is left guessing..or worse lying to try and hang on to a relationship.

Edited by kellygtx (09/11/07 08:34 PM)
I bid you Peace.


The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

#179726 - 09/12/07 12:20 AM Re: Embarassing Sexual Question- TRIGGERS [Re: kellygtx]
memoryjogger Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/11/07
Posts: 7
Loc: VA
Thanks to all the responses. I know this is a rough subject, but it sounds like it's a serious issue for many of us.

A lot to think about.


#179733 - 09/12/07 12:42 AM Re: Embarassing Sexual Question- TRIGGERS [Re: Frog]
88SEAN88 Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 19
Loc: queensland, australia

Edited by 88SEAN88 (04/19/09 11:43 AM)

#179849 - 09/12/07 04:07 PM Re: Embarassing Sexual Question- TRIGGERS [Re: 88SEAN88]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
music man i understand why its embarrising ,to me it was the ultimate surrender ,the final degredation ,the final destruction ,when it happened the first time i knew i could never be the same again. i can never be a man cause that was done to me

its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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