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#174564 - 08/21/07 01:27 AM Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help.
Armyguy2007 Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/20/07
Posts: 23
Loc: Upstate NY and Fl
I canít believe that I am speaking about this and opening myself like this, but here I go. I was molested by two neighbor boys who were much older than me starting at the age of 5 and ending at age 8. I did not understand what was going on I just knew that I was to tell no one and it hurt. I went on with my life, but became very sexually active at 13 years old. I think it was because I began to realize what had happened was wrong and ashamed. I started using drugs and drinking. After I graduated from high school I went into the army to get my life on track and to prove I was a man.
While I was in the army I was deployed overseas in the middle of nowhere. All there was to do was drink. I went out drinking one night with two girls and a civilian guy that was dating one of the girls. I got very drunk and ended up passing out in the guyís room. I woke up later to him giving me oral sex. I did not know what to do at first, but after a short time I jumped up and ran to my barracks. The next day I got a note on my door to report to the chaplainís office at 1900 hours. I went and when I got there was met by the chaplainís assistant. He told me that he knew what had happened and that he could report me if he wanted to. He told me that the Christian thing to do though was to help me instead. He instructed me to follow him to his barracks room so we could talk some more. When we got there he told me that I was gay but did not know it yet. I told him that I was not. He told me that I would have never gotten hard if I was not gay when the guy blew me.
I canít get very specific here because it hurts too much, but in summery I was forcibly raped that night. I became numb after that. I continued to go to his room every time after that when he told me to and it happened again and again. I just learned how to escape into my own world and make believe it was not happening.
I cannot understand how I allowed this to happen. I had and have been through combat and have had to kill, but I could not stop this.
I have never been able to love or be in a relationship since. I was having sex, but I feel nothing, so I have stopped. I feel dead inside and have no Idea what to do.

Edited by Armyguy2007 (01/28/11 12:13 AM)
Edit Reason: Updated

#174566 - 08/21/07 01:38 AM Re: Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help. [Re: Armyguy2007]
FormerTexan Offline

Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 12125
Loc: Denver, CO

Welcome to the site. It's horrible what has happened to you, but you will find that many on here can relate to what you are saying.


Money talks, but all it tells me is goodbye.

If I could meet myself as a boy...

#174567 - 08/21/07 01:41 AM Re: Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help. [Re: Armyguy2007]
MarkK Offline

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2653
Loc: Denver, CO
Welcome. I'm sorry you need to be here, but I'm very glad for you that you found this place. It is an incredible step of strength and courage to step out and admit openly that you want help, much less admit what happened.

It hurts to think someone used a Chaplain's office to pass the lie you wouldn't have gotten hard if you weren't gay. It's worse to think how he used that lie to get what he wanted - power over you - repeatedly.

How you allowed it to happen? I believe that seed was planted back when you were 5 years old. Those wounds run deep and can get us to do things as adults that make no sense.

All I can tell you at this point is you are among friends. We don't judge - we only offer to stand at your side.

My first suggestion is that you find a therapist - someone you can talk face to face with. But, if that is beyond you right now - that's also fine. You have friends here.



#174568 - 08/21/07 01:48 AM Re: Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help. [Re: Armyguy2007]
John Oarc Offline

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana
I hate to open with the "nice to have you thing" but we are glad to have you here.

Thanks for sharing your life with us and know that opening up here is a big step. You are on your way to getting on with your life.

Acting out is what you will probably here others say about some of your actions, but my suggestion is to seek a professional therapist, one who specializes in male CSA.

This is not an easy road you are about to embark upon but it is well worth the effort, it is your life we are talking about and that is important.

The courage to speak out about something as devistating as male CSA, is in my opinion, bravery that has no bounds.

Whatever It Takes, God

#174569 - 08/21/07 01:48 AM Re: Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help. [Re: MarkK]
Frog Offline

Registered: 08/05/07
Posts: 291
Loc: Arizona


I have EXPERIENCED the same thing but in PRISON instead
of in the ARMY...BTW the ARMY discharged me other than honorable..

I too DRANK to BURY my secret...

A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: "Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time." When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment, "The one I feed the most."

#174570 - 08/21/07 01:50 AM Re: Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help. [Re: MarkK]
FLRich Offline

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404

Welcome to MS. You won't be judged here, buddy. We all have our issues. As a survivor of both childhood and teenage sexual abuse, I can tell you that your body will betray you every time! The perps know it, too, and will use it to help keep you quiet. Erections are normal for boys and certainly young men when stimulated. It has nothing to do with whether you like it or not. It is a physical response.

That chaplain's assistant probably used that line on God only knows how many guys. And trust me, God does know!

I can realte to feeling dead inside when it comes to having sex. But I have to think there is hope for guys like us and this site is the best place I have found to get that hope and keep it alive.

No one can understand or relate, unless it has happened to them or someone they love. You are among friends, Armyguy.

#174581 - 08/21/07 02:21 AM Re: Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help. [Re: FLRich]
Pete2004 Offline

Registered: 08/06/04
Posts: 958
Loc: North Carolina

It took a lot of courage to share your story. You have found a unique place that can offer safety in the storm that swirls in so many of our lives. The incredible thing that I have found out by developing healthy relationships here on the site, is that we can relate to each other's pain, questions, victories and failures.

Take your time, come and visit, read the posts and dive in. You won't regret it.



There is a destiny that makes us brothers;
No one goes his way alone;
What we send into the lives of others,
comes back into our own. (Edwin Markham)

#174588 - 08/21/07 02:36 AM Re: Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help. [Re: Armyguy2007]
thecoopstah Offline

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
No matter what you're a good man who deserves to be loved and honored.
You should be proud of yourself because it takes alot of balls and courage to put yourself out there the way you did tonight.

My thoughts are with you during this rough time.

God bless you and always try and remember you are worth so much more then you can even imagine.


" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

#174622 - 08/21/07 10:27 AM Re: Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help. [Re: thecoopstah]
Stefan012 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/06
Posts: 281
Loc: The Netherlands
I just want to say welcome to the site, you will find a lot of great guys here.


You lost the things that you thought you would never miss.
You let them out and miss them while they're gone
But there's memories down here and they will always live down here
No they can't take them away, so they won't

#174691 - 08/21/07 06:21 PM Re: Childhood and Adult Vic. Needs your help. [Re: Stefan012]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

Welcome to Male Survivor, and well done - that first post is a rough one to get out. But one thing you will learn here is that this stuff was not your fault, and another is that you're not alone. Change a few of those details and you have the tune and lyrics for my song as well!

Take it easy on yourself and get used to what we have to offer here. You will find that you've got a lot of brothers who know exactly how you feel and can help you with ideas and support.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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