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#17951 - 12/26/01 05:06 PM So Many Questions - Too Much Fear
sonlite Offline

Registered: 12/11/01
Posts: 100
Loc: North Carolina
Well I am a person who just has to write things out. And I have so many questions and thoughts which are crowding my mind and my poor little 6y heart. Its time I put them into words, to voice them, to make them real and to see if I can learn anything.

Every book, survivor site, thpst & survivor I have encountered all say that for males abused by males - questioning orientation is just a part of the healing process and to not be too hard on oneself. Here is a synopsis of my journey so far.

And I have been doing some deep thinking about me and have faced some hard facts:

1. I am a Sensitive male [I cringe at that label - and cursed myself for it for years].

2. All thru adolesence into early adulthood I was called gay, & humiliated.

3. I have experimented on a very annonymous level w M:M oral s*x, but have never really given thought to persueing a relationship w another male.

4. I am attracted to So Many Things about Women that men just don't offer me [Pretty Smiles, Pretty Dresses, Breasts, Labia, the Sounds of Women's Voices, their Perfume, Women's Touches are Softer than mens', the Ways They Can Nurture Each Other and Children].

5. I went to a GLBT bookstore and bought "Early Embraces II" a book about lesbians' 1st encounters - let me just tell you ... that stuff is Hot...

6. I find it hot bc of the amount of Emotion and Closeness and Mystery that women bring to s*xuality. I also looked at similar books about gay men's 1st experiences - and well ... words which 1st come to mind are Intrusive, Manipulative and Poking ... and I didn't enjoy getting leered at by the gay men in the store (I can sympathize w how women feel when men stare at them).

7. But my whole life I have had in the back of my mind wonderings and body memories(?) of what it would be like to be made love to by a man. What would it feel like? I am afraid, Terrified actually that part of me would indeed like it - the feeling of taking someone's p*nis in my mouth, the sensation of having someone slide in and out of me down there.

8. My ex-wife is the only woman I have ever been w bc I was way too ashamed to consider s*xuality in my younger years. Instead, I "followed the rules" and ended up w a cold, frigid a-s*xual 4x/year woman who never wanted to explore (much less enjoy) s*x ... So I have never really had good s*x with a woman either.

9. I am officially "Single Again", so I now have the opportunity to explore things - w a women, a man, or even both at the same time ... but bc I am so Sensitive the thought of just "hooking up" seems so much like just USING someone. Even if the other partner is agreeable to [and even seeking] the casualness of it ...

10. Or am I just still hanging on to FEAR.
FEAR of - would God curse me and wreck my life even further than it has been wrecked already?
FEAR of - being too small - I was humiliated mercilessly for that size issue - or not having enough stamina or not "doing it right".
FEAR of - actually letting myself go and actually Enjoying s*x.
FEAR of - what if I try something on the wild side and find out I really am gay or Bi - then what!?
FEAR of - I am active in my church and life as I know it would cease to exist. Yes, some friends would still stand by me, but so much for singing on-stage w the band, which I love so much.
FEAR of - so much for my dreams of a pretty wife, and kids, and helping w homework, and lacrosse practice ... Hell, I am a man who would not be ashamed to be seen in a mini-van, bc it would mean I have a family.

11. Would God put me thru an experience which would shape my orientation for the rest of my life and then send me to hell for liking and desiring one organ and mode of s*x over whats approved of?

I was very triggered by going to a Christmas Eve service last nite. The litergy, the robes the candles all brought back memories of an evil episcopal priest ... the greatest FEAR is this ... that priest was kind and gentle to me and I just know that I ENJOYED the attention ... and the s*x.

I don't know where to go from here. I have to resolve this before I can move on w my life. THIS question feels like the darkened room I am trapped in w "Little John" and can't find the door to.

I am sorry this is so long. I hope its not too selfish of me to take up so much space here.


#17952 - 12/26/01 08:51 PM Re: So Many Questions - Too Much Fear
michael Joseph Offline

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
all sexual abuse is bad
it is a hard thing to get over
any one in authority Priests Dads ect
It is bad

Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

#17953 - 12/26/01 11:16 PM Re: So Many Questions - Too Much Fear
buster Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/06/06
Posts: 1
Loc: Tampa, Florida
My advice to you would be to resist the urge to explore and see what you like. You're right. Your memories of the sexual abuse have messed up how you see yourself and sex. You won't find answers just more questions. Focus on yourself not just yourself in the context of sex. You liked the attention you got from the priest while being abused and you will like the attention and the physical pleasure of having sex with whoever. Don't be fooled into thinking you can do things without them changing who you are. We should know that more than anyone.

#17954 - 12/26/01 11:41 PM Re: So Many Questions - Too Much Fear
getteddie Offline

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
Hi John,
I can dig everyone going ape over the abuser...a man of god...but is that his questions??? Maybe some of it but he wants to know about all this weird stuff that's happening to and why. I would like to discuss this instead of patting him on the back or trying to make you feel in a discussion forum...doesn't anyone want to discuss this????????????????

I see John as having about the same reaction to everything around him as most of us do...thinking a lot about sex with other males...avoiding relationships...wondering if he is gay!!!

Now John was abused at 6 yo and he is still what does that have to do with it? I think that one of 4 things happened!
1 - John always had total recall...keeping it in the back of his mind...just foreget about he can't any longer but he is not gay and just wants to act it out.
2 - John was gay already when he was born so when abused...he had recall but forgot....or he dissocated in one way or another and needs to be gay now.
3 - John was not gay and just dissocated...No DID...when he was abused and it is coming back now in the form of PTSD with flashbacks... giving him all of these head f__ks right now.
4 - John was smarter then a person in #1 and #3 at the age of 6...he had to be a lot smarter to dissocate in any form rather then he dissocated into another person to take all the pain of the abuse...and is now having all the problems that.. SA childhood males by other males...have... plus DID or MPD...whatever you want to call it.

I feel...from reading all of John's posts that he is #2 or #4...Screaming and talking to himself or who the car. Wife and Girl friend running off...The movie..Me Myself and Irine...most women would find out and then freak.

Now should John try out a gay relationship??? I can't tell him to do maybe the best thing in the world for him or he may get stuck in it if not gay for just acting out the smoking..once you start it's hard to stop...I did this and it is hard to force myself to stay away from letting other men abuse me and dig this..I don't think that John or anyone else here would be able to get into having their wives or girls friends fist them to do the acting out thing like me. So what will John do????????????

Look please don't agree with me ...discuss it...tell me that I'm nuts or anything...I think that John has seen a lot of this at work and doesn't need to be told how to be good to himself...He needs answers!!!!!!!!

He maybe gay or not..I say he has to find a therapist who deals with PTSD, Male SA, and most important...DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Before he gets in trouble!!!


#17955 - 12/27/01 12:39 AM Re: So Many Questions - Too Much Fear
dvf445 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/10/01
Posts: 10
Loc: South Jersey

Don't give in to the gay stuff. You are a man of God and the Righteousness of God in Christ. You are being deceived into believing that experimenting will make things better, but it is just an all out attack from the enemy to try to destroy who you are. Fear is the opposite of Love. Fear wants to stop you from doing all God has planned for you to do.

I struggled for a long time with the gay issue and if you give God time, you will get healed. It's a long process, but let God take you through the healing process. He is Faithful.

I found that when I struggled and still do struggle at times, that I crave the acceptance of other males and true intimacy (platonic) with other guys. (Did you know that when we are abused, that it makes the victim relate to things on a sexual level when it really is on a platonic level that is distorted by the abuse of the past?) We all need other males in our lives to help us grow. No man is an island.

I was the brunt of many gay and weak jokes and was treated nasty by the other males at school and growing up. I grew bitter and angry and needed to get rid of that too. I grew up scared and hurting and craving to be a best friend and to have a best friend. I found that by looking at naked bodies of men, I was really craving that friend because when I saw men naked, I was seeing them vulnerable and how I needed a friend to share that intimate platonic stuff with me. (i needed to be needed by other guys in a platonic way but was thinking in a distorted manner.)

I was always the outcast, and all I ever wanted to be was accepted for who I was. I found that when God took me into manhood (and all men need to be taken into manhood by either God or another man). We need to be led and know that we are important.

Don't let the rejection from your girlfriend and the guys that used to call you gay and all the other rejection steal from you any more.

God says that you are wonderfully made. You are the person He made to complete a task that no one else was made to complete. We live in a fallen world and will experience things He never wanted us to experience, but He promises to make good come out of evil if we allow Him.

You are a whole person. You are complete. You need to read in the Bible what God says about you and focus on Him. He IS ABLE to do exceedingly, abundantly MORE than we can think or ask. Don't settle for the lie. Look to the PROMISES He gives us. You are worth it and deserve all God's best.

I'll be praying for you and know that God is Faithful! He is no Respector of persons and if He did it for me, He'll do it for everyone, including YOU! Seek Ye First the Kingdom of God and His Righteousness and all these things will be added unto you. This includes your healing!

God Bless you bro.

#17956 - 12/27/01 03:44 AM Re: So Many Questions - Too Much Fear
sonlite Offline

Registered: 12/11/01
Posts: 100
Loc: North Carolina
Hmm -

Interesting discxn. I will indeed be giving thought to the dissociative / DID parts of geteddie's post. I have been working w traumatized kids for years and have not ever really studied this much - How would I know if I had other personalities coming from me?

All I can say is that I feel mature sometimes and distinctly feel horribly immature in a matter of seconds. I have no frame-of-reference for interpreting this into some DSM-IV dx. I just know it makes my life HELL bc my moods and self-concept are so unstable.

Case-in-Point a relative dropped by over the holidays, w her new husband, a PhD in counseling and we chatted briefly about his line of private practice and I felt so stupid and immature and just automatically ruled out that the financial benefits of starting a practice will always be beyond my reach. supposedly, I could double my income at a time when I am thousands and thousands in debt from the divorce.

I tried to fake it and sound mature, but in the end admitted that all I can do now - is to just try to get through the end of the day and get my notes done on time - and that I haven't been able to work on licensure and looking into getting out of public service.

As for the gay / not-gay thing ... Well, whether or not I am a "multiple" [one of which is gay], or whether or not I am just wanting Trauma Specific Re-ennactment to gain control over a past horrifyingly cross-wired pleasure/acceptance situation ...

I am just focusing on accepting myself and Loving and respecting myself - NO MATTER WHAT.

I feel like I need to give myself unconditional love for whoever I am and whatever my orientation ... As if I need to be able say "Yes" to life as a potentially gay person ... before I can say "No" I am not gay. Bc I have to have value in myself in my own eyes - and know that I have value in God's eyes, No Matter What.

I want to be "in Love w Me" enough to make my own damn decisions about my s*xuality. And not have them made for me by an evil priest. Yes, this opens a whole other pandora's box of wheter people are born gay, or not. I'm not God.

I don't know that I could ever really Love a man. I don't know if I would have a boyfriend home for the holidays. I am just making a commitment to myself that I will not impulsively explore this issue via the xxx bookstore - but that If I ever feel like Love w a man is ever a possibility or beyond-just-lust interest for me - that I will purpose to begin exploration of that thru a Relationship vs an unsafe, annoymous encounter.

I don't know if that helped clarify anything or made any sense.

All I know now is that I have NEVER in my entire life been as Physically, Emotionally, Mentally, & Spiritually EXHAUSTED as I have been in the past month. I don't have much more in me to keep up.

Whatever happens ... "I LOVE YOU, JOHN and I AM SO PROUD OF YOU FOR JUST HANGING IN THERE. And God I hope help is on the way - bc I don't have anything left for the swim back - and my air is running out.


#17957 - 12/27/01 04:30 AM Re: So Many Questions - Too Much Fear
buster Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/06/06
Posts: 1
Loc: Tampa, Florida
From my experience, just doing things to see if you are gay or not doesn't work. It's a trap that's hard to get out of. If you do that then you are letting the priest control you sexually still. I'm kind of freaked out that other men who have been sexually abused feel the same way I do. I've always just asumed I was gay, but deep down it felt like I was reenacting the abuse. When I first became sexually active with other men, I only wanted to do or have done to me what happened during my abuse. Now 10 years later I do a lot more and it's kind of lost that reenacting the abuse feel. It's definately confusing and hard to figure out what is real and what is just a symptom. I crave intimacy with men. That desire in and of itself is normal, but I think because of the abuse the desire to be close to men became sexualized. Maybe I've always been gay and the abuse just complicates things. I don't know. Sorry I didn't mean to respond to your thread and make it all about me.


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