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#179444 - 09/10/07 01:50 PM I dont know what to do, may trigger

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
First let me apologise to you all, this is a major issue for me, but you all are getting the fallout.
I want to get past this but i cant let go and i dont want to say goodbye to him. If i say goodbye then he is really gone.

Please bare with me, im finding it hard to get this out of my head.

I was adopted into a family as a baby, i later found out that my stepdad was in a local pedo ring. I was abused from the age of four until i got out and joined the army at sixteen.

I wwas sold to other perps and was used in pictures and films. This is were i met him.

I cant ever get over the fact that i had to perform with another abused boy who was a couple of years older than me. His name is Andrew. From the first time i met him he tried to be gentle with me and would protect me when i was getting beaten, attention would go from me and he would get hit instead. He would hold me and talk to me when i was hurt and he would look after me when i was screaming in my sleep. We had a den on the wasteland that we would sometimes hide in at night, instaed of being at home.
When i got drunk and tried to kill myself he found me and took care of me. He gave me a reason to live.
Im scared to admit that i fell in love with him, we talked and he admited that he loved me. I started a relationship with him, it felt natural to be with him.
He was always there for me, he never stopped helping me. Im having two problems with this.
The first is that i was being abused and i fell in love with another boy. How could this happen. It always felt right and good to be with him, but i panic what other people think, i was with another boy, people might think that i enjoyed the abuse, how could i do this, i must be a freak.
He told me one day that he could not take all the abuse and he was getting out, but he would not leave without me. We got some money together and decided to run away.
The night i was suppossed to meet him, i tried to get out the house, but got caught. You will never be able to run away you are mine. This i was told as he my stepdad beat me. I sat in my room looking out the window too scared to get out.
The nexted day i saw another boy who was in the ring and he gave me a letter from Andrew. He said he still loved me and will always love me, but he cant stay. Something had happened but he could not tell me.Later that day i was told im being sent to stay with a relative, the police were all over the estate when i left.
I found out later that he had killed himself. I should have met him that night, he would still be here now.
I could never say goodbye to him, i cant, if i do it means he is really gone.

I am having a hell of a time with this and its getting very bad for me. I dont know what to do, i cant get past this.

People on this site are trying to help me, i now i would not be here if it was not for Healingpartner,Larry,Russ and manymore. I just seem to be stuck, i know i have to let him go but i cant.

The reason i have posted this is because i keep coming here and in chat i keep zoneing out. I dump on anyone who speaks to me. Im sorry to all for this. Im taking up your time and im always very low. You spend your time trying to help me but i cant move on from this.
I feel like i should not be here, you are all trying to get on with your lives and im always bringing you down
Im so lost and dont know who or what i am anymore. Im screaming in my head all the time but no one can hear me.

Id better finish wrighting this, its getting hard to think.

Im sorry for all the pain im giving out.


#179450 - 09/10/07 02:42 PM Re: I dont know what to do, may trigger [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
kellygtx Offline

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Backspin -

I am so sorry for your pain and I sense a great deal of guilt. You have nothing to be guilty of - there is nothing you could have done. You were a child and under your step dads roof - and abuse. Please don't blame yourself.

Everyone here is very gentle and does not judge - that is why we are all here. Feel like you feel - and share it. I for one am very glad you are here with me.

Edited by kellygtx (09/10/07 02:43 PM)
I bid you Peace.


The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.


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