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#178653 - 09/06/07 05:37 PM Re: and advise please [Re: fabdabcab]
trusty Offline

Registered: 05/15/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
You will come to understand that this is a long process for many of us. But, the fact that you have found the courage to begin to come to grips with the abuse is such an empowering first've already done more that some of us have been able to accomplish...really.

So, try to be calm and listen to those feelings. Yes, there will be very difficult times of non-sleep, fear, as well as anger at yourself and your perp. This is all to be expected. You are doing the right thing, and I applaud your bravery.

Keep coming here...we'll be with you.

Much love,

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

#178749 - 09/06/07 10:24 PM Re: and advise please [Re: fabdabcab]
MusicMan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/23/03
Posts: 146
Loc: Elmira, NY
Welcome, fabdacab.

I'm glad that you came here. The other guys who responded to you are absolutely right. This is a wonderful site and helped to save my life.

My story is a long and involved one as probably most of ours are. However, I can say that I basically was forced to tell my wife because I fell into deep depression and all I wanted to do was sleep after I got home from work. She angrily confronted me about it after I was doing this for a while. I took her out for a van ride to get away from our daughters and told her. I cried so hard that I lost touch with reality and tried to jump out in front of an on-going vehicle. My wife grabbed me and gave me a lot of support. She encouraged me to seek help and told me that she would help in the process.

It's been an uphill battle ever since. However, there was relief for both us because it put us on the same page finally. Our marriage definitely improved.

I don't want you to ever have to get to that point. You did that right thing to disclose to her. I hope that you both make the time to discuss it with each other. You might even want to show her some of these threads so that she can better understand what is involved with what has happened to you. That way, you both can hopefully work together to formulate a plan for your future well-being.

I wish you the best in your journey. I will pray for you.

God bless,
John, The Music Man

#179016 - 09/07/07 08:31 PM Re: and advise please [Re: MusicMan]
fabdabcab Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 7
Loc: uk
thankyou for all you replys. today i just feel angry toward everything, although i tolld my wife what happend, i still feel it is to soon to speek openly about it, she is trying to give me space, but even her hugs are making me feel like she is invading my space, i just feel like the past 25 or so years have been a lie. if this hvent of happend to me what would i be like today as a person? i feel like i have been cheeted out of so much. i feel like i have cheeted my wife out of true happiness for the last 11 years, i havent been able to sleep properly because i keep getting flashbacks, this has never happend before so why now? am i just imagining things? sorry to go on at the moment i find it easier to write my thoughts. thankyou for listning.

#179068 - 09/08/07 12:36 AM Re: and advise please [Re: fabdabcab]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

Pour it out as much as you need to, bro. That's what the discussion board is here for and you will find we all support and understand you.

I understand how you feel about being cheated out of so much; and you are right. Just bear in mind that the one who has cheated both you and your wife is the abuser. The lost years are not your fault. We do things when we can, and at the moment we do then, that was the very first moment this was possible for us. We could not have done it one second earlier.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#179082 - 09/08/07 01:43 AM Re: and advise please [Re: roadrunner]
dannym Offline

Registered: 03/25/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Wayne, welcome. I am so glad you found this site. As others have said already, it is an amazing place where there is no judgement. But the amazing thing is that you are not alone anymore. Here is a place that brings men together who knows how it feels when you disclose. Know how it feels to feel invaded. Know how it feels to be so angry. We all have had different pasts and circumstances that brought us here, but the feelings and questions are suprisingly similar.

The one answer, which you will hear a lot because it is true, is "It was not your fault". That is something that takes time to sink in and for you to believe, but it is true.

Take your time and know that this is a safe place to say whatever is on your mind.


"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

#179419 - 09/10/07 02:56 PM Re: and advise please [Re: dannym]
Grunty1967b Offline

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 861
Loc: Australia

Just saw your posts tonight and my heart goes out to you. You have done a very brave and trusting thing to tell your wife, especially when it sounds like youíve just come to realise how much the abuse has impacted your life.

These are no doubt upsetting times but I imagine also times of great relief in that as you can see by the replies youíve been getting here at MS you are not alone.

I think you will find it easier to let stuff out here with the anonymity that the site provides plus you have other males who understand. I can certainly relate to most of what you have shared already and as I know many of the guys whoíve responded, they can too.

I can certainly, and sadly confess, that I have also had too many years of being a distant and emotionally cold husband. I wish I could take them all back and even change instantly today who I am and how I act. Being aware however is a big step in the right direction. Iím getting better. So will you.

Share what you can Wayne and let us support you through these very difficult early days. Iím also grateful you have a wife there for you who Iím sure is trying her best to support you even if she doesnít understand it all at the moment.

Welcome friend.

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