My so called mum phoned me the other day and said that my stepdad wanted to speak to me, and i should put all bad feelings aside as it happened a long time ago.
A long time ago, im reliveing it everyday since i was four.
I could not speak to her, so im now sending her a letter, ive tried to write it so many times, but i end up swearing and just wrighting abuse.
I can now think of nothing else, if i havent got enough to worry about. Shit.
Im just retreating backwards, i might as well let the other me take over for good, at least then i would not feel or care.
The last few dasy have been very happy ones, the first in many years.
I let myself think i can make a go of this and this shit kicks off.
Another phone call today, this time its that sick fuck my so called stepfather. I was stsrting to get a handle on things and now he is back to ruin my life yet again.
Looking out of my window, the sun is shinning and there is a blue sky, do i give a fuck, no. Its all come crashing down upon me again, all the hurt and pain.
I have zoned out for a long time this afternoon, and now im goimg to have a good drink and go to bed.
I still have to get up for work tonight and pay the bills, just as me and the wife were beginning to talk, i even went to her friends for the best afternoon of my life, i played stupid games with her son and watched cartoons, played the computer and then read him a bed time story. It seems so far away now, as if it was another me.
Sorry to let you down, but this has smashed a hole into my life again. All the cracks are open again.
I feel like im back at the beggining, pain, hurt and paranoid as hell.
I dont know what else to say.
Im trying to push the genie back into the bottle again, dont want to feel this way again,
Ive got to sleep, ha if i can and try to sort this mess out. If i manage to chat later or tommorrow, im saying sorry now, i dont know what i will be like when i get up.
Got to think, even thoe i dont want to, a way out of this hole.