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#175624 - 08/24/07 09:21 PM This is breaking my brain.
88SEAN88 Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 19
Loc: queensland, australia
Hi There.

** edited **


Edited by 88SEAN88 (04/20/09 08:23 AM)

#175655 - 08/25/07 04:07 AM Re: This is breaking my brain. [Re: 88SEAN88]
Bewlayb1 Offline

Registered: 08/04/07
Posts: 243
Loc: NYC
Hi Sean

I relate to a lot of what you were talking about. I was sexually abused by a teacher from when I was eight until I was ten. I'm younger than you are. I'm twenty five. I haven't had a relationship that's lasted more than a month.

I'm glad you mentioned the nightmares. Mine continued, unrelenting and grotesque, until I was nineteen. They ended about the same time I came out. But I understand you're sexual ambivalence, because though it was good for me at the time to come out, I'm also attracted to women. Truthfully, I don't like saying whether I'm straight, or gay, because it's complicated and most people wouldn't get it at all.

Right now, I really like a bisexual girl. She has feelings for me too. I know that part of it is that it is not sexual. But that doesn't make it wrong. Though I'm not ashamed to be gay, I'm tired of all the comments about "denying who you are." This is who I am too. I don't daydream about her because I'm trying to be straight. I honestly don't care what anyone thinks.

My point is that it's my right not to define my sexuality, and it's you're right too.

I don't dress androgynously. But David Bowie is my favorite singer, and probably my favorite person in the entire world.

I know what you mean when you say you don't see yourself as a man. In my mind, I often picture myself - this is odd - as a lesbian. I wear baggy clothes; I don't like being touched; my effete appearence belies my temper. Even a guy I went on a date with once noted my striking resemblance to K.D. Lang.

I'm sexually aroused by men, but its not worth the sadness, panic and resentment I feel. I'm scared of them also. I haven't had sex in two years, and the way its going, I don't ever if I ever sleep with a man again. I might. But if I decided to be committed to a woman, it would be no one else's business. It wouldn't be "normal." But I haven't been "normal" since I was eight, and that's certianly not my fault.

I think you're instinct was right, to simply enjoy what you have with her: don't worry about being manly. You must be much more hardened and stronger inside than most men after what you've gone through.

What does your sexual identity matter if you're happy with her? I've never been happy with a guy.

I don't know, these are just my thoughts.
It was comforting to read this.

#175690 - 08/25/07 01:41 PM Re: This is breaking my brain. [Re: Bewlayb1]
Lazarus Offline

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Hey guys... thanks for the thread, it has been interesting reading.

I hate labels. As someone said (I think it was Walkingsouth, but I may be wrong), "Normal" is a setting on a washing machine. Labels are for other people, they can't begin to describe the complexities of human sexuality completely. Everyone is an individual, with their own preferrences and attractions. And there's nothing 'wrong' with any of us.

I was married to a woman for 20+ years and now I'm married to a man. I am masculine in apprearance and mannerisms, and my husband is more effeminate. My acquaintences find it hard to believe that I'm gay (especially my women clients - perhaps that's just 'sour grapes'...LOL) and my hubby's aquaintences know he's gay right off the bat. It doesn't matter. On the rare occasion when either he or I get a negative response about our lifestyle, it's easy to blow that person off because they prove that they are idiots.

But I use the label 'gay' to describe myself and my situation to society because it fits as closely as any label can. I don't think of myself as gay, I think of myself as, well, just me. I'm almost 50 now and I've grown to the point where I couldn't care less what other people think about my sex life. When it comes to my work, that's a different story completely. I get pride and self-worth from designing and building things that are as beautiful as they are functional. And since that is how I make my living, my reputation means a lot to me.

It's no surprise that sex is such an important part of life. We enjoy it, we stress over it, we flaunt it, we hide it, we give of ourselves and take from others, it's the mechanism for propogating the species, the essence of life. Sometimes it is the most beautiful thing two people can do with each other, sometimes it is the most horrible thing someone can do to someone else. It is power, it is passion, it is love, it is lust and sometimes it is hate. We almost always obsess over it in one way or another.

I think everyone wants a 'healthy' sex life. But what is healthy varies from person to person. IMHO the only things that make sex unhealthy are when it is used to physically or emotionally hurt someone, even ourselves. Other than that, the entire spectrum of possible sexual activities are 'normal' healthy expressions of our sexuality. As all of us know, however, sex can and often is used as a weapon, and what a powerful weapon it is!

So all the labels we have created in an effort to describe ourselves to others are incomplete and misleading. Sometimes they can be abstract symbols that can be used to quickly explain parts of ourselves to others; for example if I say that I am gay, it is shorthand for saying that I am emotionally and sexually attracted to men more than women. It may even say to some people that I dislike women, or have an aversion to the vagina or lots of other stuff that might not apply. But that's why labels are imperfect.

If you label yourself as 'asexual', some might think that you do not posess any sex organs, or that you are the capable of reproducing without the opposite sex, or that you are free from or unaffected by sexuality (Webster's definition). I don't think any of those definitions are what you had in mind.

Sean, if you're looking for a label, may I suggest 'metrosexual'? According to Webster again, metrosexual is defined as, "a heterosexual male who has a strong aesthetic sense and inordinate interest in appearance and style, similar to that of homosexual males." Of course, Webster is stereotyping, because I am a homosexual male and I don't fuss over my appearance. Be that as it may...

Bewlayb, I'm sorry that you are afraid of men, expecially if you identify yourself as gay. Try to remember that not all men are like your abuser. Gay culture is rife with indiscriminate sex, cruising, circuit parties, bath houses and all sorts of unsavory activities. Sometimes it's hard to find the 'nice' guys, the 'normal' gay guys. But if that is what you are interested in, they are out there, I assure you. I don't know if I would be so quick to pick a sexual identity though. You have plenty of time to experiment with your sexuality and see what feels right. One or two bad experiences with either sex doesn't mean that that sex is bad or is not right for you; it may simply mean that you have to be more discriminating in selecting your partners.

Anyway, those are just some of my thoughts. Sorry for rambling, but what the hell... read it or not, it's all up to you.

Best wishes,


"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

#176125 - 08/27/07 12:40 AM Re: This is breaking my brain. [Re: Lazarus]
88SEAN88 Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 19
Loc: queensland, australia

Thank you both again ... I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.



#176155 - 08/27/07 02:40 AM Re: This is breaking my brain. [Re: 88SEAN88]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

Welcome to Male Survivor. We have a really supportive and understanding community here and I hope you will find the help you are looking for here.

A lot of the problems you face sound to me like some of the typical issues that trouble men who have been sexually abused as boys. After all, it's in our youth that our ideas and views about sex and sexual boundaries are established. Abuse wrecks that process. It undermines whatever foundations the boy has already laid down, causes him to question who he is as a person and as a sexual being, and leaves him with a host of negative feelings about himself and about sex. So in adulthood he faces a difficult struggle that others simply do not encounter.

One of our mods, Dewey2k, came up with a great one last year: "Labels are for cans". I wouldn't worry about how you fit the expectations of others or what your sexual identity looks like in terms of the traditional norms of society. On matters of sexuality I usually ask guys these three questions:

1. Do you feel sexually fulfilled?
2. Are you being totally honest with yourself about your sexual feelings?
3. Are you behaving responsibly and honestly with your partner(s)?

If you can answer yes to all three of those questions, then so far as I can see you should feel perfectly okay about continuing as you are. That leaves you free to look at other areas where you might want to seek help: for example, your body and self-image. There the abuser seems to have done you some significant harm that a therapist may be able to help you with.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#176335 - 08/27/07 10:19 PM Re: This is breaking my brain. [Re: roadrunner]
88SEAN88 Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 19
Loc: queensland, australia
Hi Larry,

Edited by 88SEAN88 (04/20/09 08:24 AM)


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