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#174488 - 08/20/07 11:27 AM My progress
Little Lucky Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/11/07
Posts: 25
Hi Everyone

I did not get to a therapist yet. I find it rather difficult to get hold of someone in my region, and I would prefer a person who specializes in this matter. But just talking (or writing) about this whole thing appears to be meaning more than what I thought. I know these may be trivial, but to me it's a biggy:

1. I acutally used a urinal in a public toilet for the first time. I never wanted to do it before. I just did it without thinking and was so surprised at myself.
2. I was visiting my parents last weekend. I could never undress before someone else, not even family. I went to the shower while my dad was in the bathroom and started to undress without thinking. (My dad does not know about the abuse...yet). When I was done, I realised that I was naked without being ashamed. That was a big one for me.

There are, however, still a lot of things about the abuse that I do not remember. I am afraid how I may react when I remember all. Did anyone go through something like this?

#174495 - 08/20/07 11:52 AM Re: My progress [Re: Little Lucky]
Muldoon Offline

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Lucky I never forgot about my abuse. Both Perps where very violent and I have had life long health issues to deal with.

Glad to know that you are making process.


Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

#174530 - 08/20/07 06:01 PM Re: My progress [Re: Muldoon]
Little Lucky Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/11/07
Posts: 25
Should I try to remember everything (with the help of a therapist)? Or should I be grateful that I don't remember it and just leave it? Any opinions?

#174534 - 08/20/07 06:11 PM Re: My progress [Re: Little Lucky]
user2007 Offline

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 346
Hello there, Lucky.

I also never saw a therapist but there are things I know Ill never forget. Things such as these. I dont know if you should try to remember it or not. If you dont remember maybe its because your mind made a deal to protect you for what happened or because you were very young.

But there are things we are afraid for not remembering too. If thats your case, them I believe that talking to sb would help you to find the pieces of your memory that you lost. Try a local hotline if you can. That really helps. I didnt know that before some minutes ago too.

Glad to know that people can recover. Glad for you.

"Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by
All this pavement"

~ John Mayer

#174729 - 08/21/07 04:39 PM Re: My progress [Re: user2007]
Little Lucky Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/11/07
Posts: 25
Hi Julian

I think that's where my problem is. Somehow I feel that I should not be recovering that fast. I feel like the whole problem is getting solved. Everything will be fine.

I am afraid that one day, unexpectedly, I will remember everything. And that I will not be able to handle it. It scares me to death. I cannot remember the actual abuse. just what happened before and after it - giving me enough evidence that it actually happened.

#174746 - 08/21/07 05:25 PM Re: My progress [Re: Little Lucky]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Little Lucky,

Memories may come back to you as you gain in confidence. Sometimes traumatic memories are stored away in a different part of the brain where they cannot be recalled (like recalling what you had for breakfast), but are instead triggered.

In my case I never really thought I had "forgotten" anything; it seemed more like I had just refused to look at things. So as my therapy proceeded my T asked me to write things down and try to put them into some order. That way we could talk about whatever bothered me, and writing it all down gave me a sense that I was back in control and using the information to promote my recovery, rather than becoming a victim of the information.

My guess is that you will indeed recovery memories that are very painful. If that happens, however, try to talk about them; they lose their power to harm us when we can talk about them. And remember always that none of this was your fault. What you are recovering is a record of the terrible things done by someone else, not by you.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#174937 - 08/22/07 09:37 AM Re: My progress [Re: roadrunner]
Little Lucky Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/11/07
Posts: 25
Larry, thank you so much for your encouragement. I spoke about this whole thing to a very, very good friend of mine. We agreed that she would not bring up the topic, but to be available whenever I need to talk about it. It is almost as if she is on stand-by. I told her about this site, and she was glad about it. I guess I'll keep her on stand-by until (and IF) I remember something. Your explanation helped. The (suspected) abuse happened when I was younger than 6, may even be as little as four years, and I cannot remember anything. I look at my behaviour as a child from a very objective perspective. If I, as an adult, see a child of that age behaving in such a way, I would be very concerned and strongly suspect abuse. Combined with the huge issues I am currently struggling with, I cannot think of any other cause. I posted the type of questions I struggle with, in another thread. The thing is, I can not say for sure that I have been abuse. And that makes me feel guilty that I am even on this site. BUt something happened, and it screwed up part of my life. And I am desperate to deal with it, whatever it was.

Another thing (sorry for this long post) is that I remember one guy's name. I cannot remember any adult's name from that town (except my teachers), but this guy's name keep popping up. And then my sister told a friend (who she definately could not trust) that she was abused by this man.

I don't know what to think.

#174941 - 08/22/07 09:51 AM Re: My progress [Re: Little Lucky]
Armyguy2007 Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/19/07
Posts: 23
Loc: Upstate NY and Fl
little lucky
I can't rememeber major parts of my abuse when I try I get disasocilative amnesa. It is a way to protect myself. I don't know if I will ever realy want to know. I am glad though that you are able to start doing things yo could not before.



The is no such thing as “AN ARMY OF ONE”

Every generation has its heroes. Mine is no different.


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