I canít believe that I am speaking about this and opening myself like this, but here I go. I was molested by two neighbor boys who were much older than me starting at the age of 5 and ending at age 8. I did not understand what was going on I just knew that I was to tell no one and it hurt. I went on with my life, but became very sexually active at 13 years old. I think it was because I began to realize what had happened was wrong and ashamed. I started using drugs and drinking. After I graduated from high school I went into the army to get my life on track and to prove I was a man.
While I was in the army I was deployed overseas in the middle of nowhere. All there was to do was drink. I went out drinking one night with two girls and a civilian guy that was dating one of the girls. I got very drunk and ended up passing out in the guyís room. I woke up later to him giving me oral sex. I did not know what to do at first, but after a short time I jumped up and ran to my barracks. The next day I got a note on my door to report to the chaplainís office at 1900 hours. I went and when I got there was met by the chaplainís assistant. He told me that he knew what had happened and that he could report me if he wanted to. He told me that the Christian thing to do though was to help me instead. He instructed me to follow him to his barracks room so we could talk some more. When we got there he told me that I was gay but did not know it yet. I told him that I was not. He told me that I would have never gotten hard if I was not gay when the guy blew me.
I canít get very specific here because it hurts too much, but in summery I was forcibly raped that night. I became numb after that. I continued to go to his room every time after that when he told me to and it happened again and again. I just learned how to escape into my own world and make believe it was not happening.
I cannot understand how I allowed this to happen. I had and have been through combat and have had to kill, but I could not stop this.
I have never been able to love or be in a relationship since. I have sex with both men and women, but I feel nothing. I feel dead inside and have no Idea what to do.