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#1758 - 07/31/06 02:36 AM Re: Self Worth!
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6845
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Dave,

I have problems relating to boundaries because I was threatened with my life, so maybe this keeps me from feeling safe with men.

I know its stupid, and I should let them in, but what if I f*ck up some friendship!
You have to think of the years that I spent protecting my family from someone who is 'coming to kill them', and yes, I was only a ten yo who thought that adults were always right and truthful in their acts towards kids.

Then when I get to women, I wear the mask, and a woman sees through it, and says hey, whats wrong, and the inner me thinks, oh, forget it.

But I cannot guage inner feelings no more, and yet I thought I could.
I tend to think, OH, what are you going to do when you know I am a f*cked up man.

Will you still want to know me, or run away like all the others!
I am just sick of abuse controlling the whole of my life like being a leper.

Abuse caused me to put up masks in society to protect myself, but I think they may be coming down, I hope.

Its like this; if I meet a girl, where the f*ck do I start, and should I even tell her, but I vowed to always tell a girl who I am.

I cannot really understand how any girl would love me, especially if they know my real life,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#1759 - 07/31/06 03:11 AM Re: Self Worth!
surfdude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/07/06
Posts: 95
Loc: Hawaii
STE,

I have so many things to be grateful for and had a few accomplishments yet I feel that it is not enough to overcome my CSA and my weird coping mechanisms. Sometimes I wonder if I am trying too hard to be a good person to make up for my awful bad side.

I have friends who don't know about my CSA issues and wonder is they would all disappear if they did. It adds to my loneliness.

I've told women I had relationships with about my CSA. Currently I don't have a relationship. My last real one ended a couple weeks after I told her. I too am hesistant to approach them thinking they can sense something wrong with me just as perps can sense vunerable little boys.

A big part of me wants a relationship but I too feel that it will never happen.

Lately though I have been reading posts here on the Friends and Family board. There are some really supportive women there. It gives me a little hope. My problem is that my head knows but my heart needs to catch up. I can know something intellectually but emotionally it doesn't sink in.

Thanks for bringing up this topic. Sorry you have these issues but it's comforting for me to know I am not the only one.

Sunny


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