Originally posted by abcd:
Thanks for the reply guys...I don't know. I still very much feel like I'm standing on the edge...if I just concentrate a little more, I can get through this and continue on my healing and do so much "good." If I don't...I risk falling apart.
I ran into this feeling in myself. That if I could just go around that final corner, realize that final truth, that I would be free to do good things.
The truth of it for me though, was that piece of myself was more interested in redemption. It wanted to do good things to redeem the "bad" it had done. Now, I just want to get stronger and heal for myself. Selfish, yes. But I think I have a right. And I don't need to redeem myself. I didn't do anything wrong. That lies in the province of the perps that preyed on me.
As for the confusion - I also have the sexual obsession with men, the confusion that hurts - one day I'm straight, then I'm bi, then I don't know and so on and so on. But, similar to Lloydy, there came a time I thought to ask myself - who can I fall in love with? Which people? Whereas the obsession focuses on a specific part of the male body, my feelings lie with women. I don't look at guys and part of me inside goes 'wow!'.
Thats how I know. And when the spin cycle starts up again, I do my best to remember that.