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#17404 - 11/10/02 07:22 PM Re: ALMOST happy
Spider-man Offline

Registered: 04/27/02
Posts: 57
Loc: NY
Originally posted by abcd:
Thanks for the reply guys...I don't know. I still very much feel like I'm standing on the edge...if I just concentrate a little more, I can get through this and continue on my healing and do so much "good." If I don't...I risk falling apart.
I ran into this feeling in myself. That if I could just go around that final corner, realize that final truth, that I would be free to do good things.
The truth of it for me though, was that piece of myself was more interested in redemption. It wanted to do good things to redeem the "bad" it had done. Now, I just want to get stronger and heal for myself. Selfish, yes. But I think I have a right. And I don't need to redeem myself. I didn't do anything wrong. That lies in the province of the perps that preyed on me.

As for the confusion - I also have the sexual obsession with men, the confusion that hurts - one day I'm straight, then I'm bi, then I don't know and so on and so on. But, similar to Lloydy, there came a time I thought to ask myself - who can I fall in love with? Which people? Whereas the obsession focuses on a specific part of the male body, my feelings lie with women. I don't look at guys and part of me inside goes 'wow!'.
Thats how I know. And when the spin cycle starts up again, I do my best to remember that.

#17405 - 11/11/02 12:02 AM Re: ALMOST happy
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire

I still very much feel like I'm standing on the edge...if I just concentrate a little more, I can get through this and continue on my healing and do so much "good." If I don't...I risk falling apart.
I believe the chances of falling apart are slim. We will never forget what happened to us, we can't make ourselves forget. And neither can we easily forget the recovories we are going through.

what I think you're experiencing is the rush of emotion when we realise we are escaping the past and learning to deal with it.
Suddenly there's a hole where all the shit was, and we are left searching for something good to fill it.

For a while we feel empty and lost, but not for long. Life comes along and fills it, sometimes it's the everyday mundane things of life we avoided for so long. But sometimes it's all new and exciting.

Enjoy it, whatever it is.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#17406 - 11/11/02 02:48 AM Re: ALMOST happy
abcd Offline

Registered: 10/20/00
Posts: 189
Loc: GA
Thank you again for your replies, and I realize I have been vague. What I mean by my risk of falling apart is the fact that, of late, and mostly just, of late, I have come to devote so much time in trying to unravel my abuse and sexuality issues (two DIFFERENT issues) that I have forsaken other qualities of myself. For instance, my desire to do good (one of my "other qualities") is not bent from some sort of justification for some guilt about the abuse. The fact that you interpreted as such, though, really points out what I mean though by my forsaking other parts of my life and tending to define things by our abuse. The truth is that we are persons who were abuse...we are persons first...not "abused." While we must deal with the abuse and the like, we can not enter into paralysis and be consumed by it. We must also focus on other aspects of our lives--sometimes I find that when we do that, the issues of our abuse sometimes start to unravel themselves (see, I DO believe that Someone is watching over us and sometimes we just have to have faith and do what we know to be "good" in our lives on focus on those for a bit). Anyway, that's just my opinion. Take it for what it's worth. Later, guys--and really...thanks.

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