Sometimes we all would rather go back into hiding, Mark. But what I see in your posts, even this last one, is that you have that desire. I don't think you'd have cared enough to even post your concern above if you didn't have it within yourself.
Part of the damage that was done to us by the abuse is that often we don't even know our own minds when it comes to some of this stuff. We know how we feel, but often feelings have nothing to do with reality. Our world view is clouded by the erroneous thinking we used as kids to protect ourselves with. It worked then, but now we no longer need it for protection, and yet we know no other way to be. That is one of the things that makes this journey so daunting to us, and yet that little guy that struggled through back then is still within us and still fighting to break through.
I and your other brothers here see that fight in you, Mark. It may not seem like it sometimes from your point of view, but we can clearly see it. The very fact that you are here posting tells us that it's there. Sometimes we just need to lean on our brothers for that helping hand. That's what this place is for.
Lots of love,
"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson