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#17366 - 12/18/01 02:17 PM Acting Out - Part of Process ... So now what?
sonlite Offline

Registered: 12/11/01
Posts: 100
Loc: North Carolina
Well -

Thpst and books and other survivors have all told me that 'acting out' is part of the process and to go easy on myself if/when it happens. It happened.

1. Sunday nite VERY Depressed & Agitated.
2. went to xxx bookstore went in booth.
3. mr annonymous came in and said I was 'hot looking' and tried to kiss me and I wouldn't let him.
4. give/take oral w one annonymous male.
5. I was numb and not connected to self - I didn't really get-off on it, but wasn't throwing up either.
6. mr annoymous left, I locked door. And watched some movies by myself.
7. Enjoyed seeing some of the cuddling type sex activity no matter if participants were M:F, M:M, F:F .
8. I was SO jealous of cuddling/closeness.
9. I left w/out anything else happening.
10. SO NOW WHAT ?!?

I don't feel like the world is going to end. I don't feel really guilty either. I don't feel like I am gay or bi. I don't feel like I am straight. I don't feel like I am a man. I don't feel ANYTHING!


#17367 - 12/18/01 02:31 PM Re: Acting Out - Part of Process ... So now what?
sonlite Offline

Registered: 12/11/01
Posts: 100
Loc: North Carolina
Me again / Sorry, More Angst -

How come I FROZE when w my ex-g/friend? If it was my "moral compass" that kicked in when we were hot & heavy, where was that "moral compass" when I was headed for the xxx bookstore?

I am angry w myself for being worried about the "doing right by her" - religious thing. Hell, I should have 'gone down on her' and gotten as far w her as I could bc at least it was w/in the context of a dating relationship. Instead I feel like so much lesser of a man for passing up such an amazing opportunity for closeness w someone I loved.

I hate all this. All I ever wanted was to be appreciated and invested in. I didn't want to be a perfect target for a pedophile bc I was cute and quiet as a kid. What is wrong w me that ex-wife and ex-girlfriend just abruptly bailed?

Do I care too much? Do I need to go and just 'bang a few chicks' so I can learn to be Insensitive? Is that how to 'embrace being single again'?

enough of this for now, back to work.
* God, I wish I could have therapy more than 1 hr week bc for me, I can't ever escape it. Hell my intake client this a.m. was a sexual abuse victim and I had to sit there w my heart pounding listening to her story.

#17368 - 12/18/01 04:48 PM Re: Acting Out - Part of Process ... So now what?
fmighell Offline

Registered: 02/19/01
Posts: 276
Loc: Anchorage,Alaska
For me going to the adult book store was like a release of built-up feelings annoymously.
So I didn't have to deal with another person personally, or be committed.
I slowly have stop going, a little bit at a time.
As I had learned while growing up into an adult, my sex abuse tought me that sex is annoymous, not to feel and that everything was OK.

I know differently today.

I feel worthy after I treated someone else as a worthy person, to be personal with and make a commitment to myself and to her and them.

I know but I didn't feel as if, healing takes time, like my abuse happen over time and undoing the things that I have learned will take time. I still have to keep learning today, even after thirty-five years.

fmighell anc ak

#17369 - 12/18/01 05:02 PM Re: Acting Out - Part of Process ... So now what?
contender Offline

Registered: 12/17/01
Posts: 58
Loc: New York

Maybe you should focus in on the cuddling/closeness aspect of what you saw since this might be what you really want and are acting it out in a sexual way.

#17370 - 12/18/01 10:07 PM Re: Acting Out - Part of Process ... So now what?
sonlite Offline

Registered: 12/11/01
Posts: 100
Loc: North Carolina
Thanks for the responses -

fmighell: thanks for the grace.

contender: What do you mean by "focus on the closeness"?



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