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#188892 - 10/27/07 06:18 AM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: dgoods]
dwchan Offline

Registered: 03/11/05
Posts: 19
Loc: Vancouver, BC
Thanks for the support!! Another thing that have sabotaged any such male relationship in the past is my emotional dependency on the person whom I've shared my struggle with. Since I want to be able to connect with someone who understands me, I also want them to be open with me. I don't want this to be a one way traffic as in how can they help or fix me. I want my friendship with that person to be mutual. But often time it has been somewhat one way, and it often makes me feel inferior.

I hate opening up myself to people because they always disappoint me at the end. I know it's not fair to place such an expection on them, but I can't help it. Every time I open my situation to someone, I feel like a big part of me is ripped out of me. And then I gradually form a kind of dependency on them. And they always fail to live up to my expectation and I get hurt... why do I subject myself to the same hurt again and again? I know that it's not fair for them. But somehow I wish I could stop needing others. I wish I was more like Data (Star Trek), then I wouldn't have to deal with any emotions.

I've been considering withdrawing myself from the friend whom I mentioned in my previous post. I don't want to hurt myself, and equally, I don't want to hurt him in the end. It won't be a easy thing to do... but I want to stop it before it's too late.

Feeling so alone again...


"And these things were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified..." 1 Cor. 6:11a

#188912 - 10/27/07 04:02 PM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th *DELETED* [Re: dwchan]
River Offline

Registered: 10/23/07
Posts: 114
Loc: Nashville,Tennessee
Post deleted by River

Edited by River (10/29/07 02:45 PM)

#188925 - 10/27/07 05:26 PM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: River]
dgoods Offline

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Great points, guys-
Part of my struggle has been exactly what Danny descibes, in feeling that dependency-fear. In my case, it was a certain level of emotional commitment- i never told of the abuse, but would silently reach a point of feeling safe or loved, that would cause me to panic at the thought of losing that person; yet i would also realize that they were only human and that my needs or expectations were unfair, especially in the light of my remaining silent about my CSA; a boundary issue if there ever was one. Vacillating between seeming cold and emotionless one minute, and being overemotional/hysterical the next, i too haved asked myself why this seemed to repeat over and over again. But no extreme approach reflects reality, and now i try to remind myself that black-or-white thinking is harmful to me, and a sign that i'm letting my past take over the present.
River, thanks for the link, and for expressing the tired frustration one feels on getting unconsciously biased, if well-meaning advice; i've been in that boat too.
What a nifty site this is, huh?

Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

#188926 - 10/27/07 05:53 PM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: treadmill_guy]
Danbuff Offline

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
Ok, I have to respond to this statement:I've never heard the acronym CSA. I had to look it up. I would never use it as an "excuse" for any behavior.

Not being an expert on the theory and nor am I a psychologist but that statement seems rather contradictory to simply being human. CSA is a major contribution to screwed up cognitions, distorted beliefs and behaviors that recreate familiar comfort levels because they are what we know. Of course it is legitimate to connect or even justify or otherwise "excuse" acting out. I completely disagree with you with all due respect. I would ask that you give some thought to the concept of modeling. Of course everyones situation and past is unique and there is no cookie cutter approach to figuring out life choices and human behavior. However it it quite a stretch to imply or state that CSA is not an excuse for behavior as an adult.Best of luck to you in coming to terms with where you are on your journey though. May you find the supports and answers you seek.

When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

#189051 - 10/29/07 04:29 AM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: dgoods]
sebby Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/29/07
Posts: 2
Loc: california
It's strange, I just joined this site and read your post first and I related right away. My wife has known about my history for a while, but we are now dealing with it in couples therapy. I do not identify with being gay, nor am I in denial of it, which is always the question. I am straight and very attracted to my wife, but have fantasies of reliving my past experiences with a much older man. I think about it while I am with my wife and feel deeply ashamed. The thing is though, that I have tried multiple times before my marriage to relive those experiences and it was always a failure. Nothing lives up to those memories that shaped us, whether we accept that we were abused or not.
For some of us, our memories leave a haunting desire that we cannot attain anymore. What we experienced was not homo or hetero sexuality, but something altogether different that we cannot capture. That is the hardest thing for me to deal with, that those events are a ghostly hand on my libido. You and I are straight, but our pasts defy definition and it wreaks havoc on our present. Just know, you cannot relive those experiences. That is the damage those moments inflict upon the unformed mind. Love your partner and acknowledge your memories are a book you once read (whether you loved it or not) and a reality you cannot capture again.

Edited by sebby (10/29/07 04:32 AM)

#189058 - 10/29/07 12:49 PM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: sebby]
cbfull Offline

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Welcome to the site sebby!

Thanks for chiming in and sharing your situation with us. There's something I feel I should point out that you may find to be a common understanding amongst everyone here.

From time to time you will hear some of us using the terms "gay" and "straight". Most of the fellas here understand that at least one of those labels, but usually both, are hurtful to see and hear. They are too strict and they really just do not work when it comes to human sexuality. To this day, I still feel pain and sadness whenever someone uses the term, "straight". I don't know if you recognize this sort of hurtfulness within yourself, but I am guessing by the concerns that you address in your post that the labels are hurting you too. Not to put salt on the wound, but how can anyone be "straight" and yet are aroused by thoughts of same-sex intimacy? Please do not misunderstand my intentions here, this is not meant to be an "in-your-face" kind of remark. I probably didn't even need to be that explicit in pointing out the hypocricy of the labels.

My point is simply that it is very likely that you will find your feelings of frustration, shame, and perhaps confusion (you didn't mention feeling confused but I threw that in for other guys) shrink and even begin to resolve all by themselves if you can understand how those labels do not and can not be applied to people, particularly those who have had the natural develpment of their sexual health and identity completely disrupted before they knew what was happening.

A little background on me so you don't have to dig too far into old posts. I decided at the age of 22 to exclusively explore same-sex relationships. I was sexually abused by my male 16 y.o. babysitter/neighbor when I was 10, and I thought it was a relationship. I had no idea that it was not healthy to be in a "relationship" where my sexual curiosity and desires were exploited simply for the pleasuring of an older individual.

I too am quite familiar with these feelings of attachment, dependency, attraction, fear of rejection, etc. that the other fellas are describing. I have spent decades trying to understand those feelings myself, and the best I have been able to do is identify it as a type of PTSD, or posttraumatic stress disorder. The development of this disorder does not limit itself to war veterans and rape victims (which a huge portion of the fellas here are), it can begin with events that are far more subtle, including something as seemingly benign as an inappropriate image. It is highly dependant on the individual, and if I can quote a statement from a PTSD website, "The traumas that cause PTSD are as unique as the individuals suffering from the disorder." I have not yet read throught the entire website, Wellness Directory of Minnesota, PTSD, so I can't say how good the site actually is.

I am in the process of exploring how the symptoms of PTSD apply to me, and I have been keeping a personal journal on this site under the thread "feeling triggered and I don't like it". I believe that this attachment stems from a very deep rooted fear of abandonment, and it is so deeply rooted that we keep trying to relive the circumstances of it because we believe we are trying to take ownership of the very painful feelings. I believe that what we are ultimitely doing without even knowing it is putting ourselves at high-risk for revictimization. I am no psychologist but when I get very confused and scared I tend to read about these disorders and learn as much as I possibly can.

Sorry for rambling on, but I thought some of this info could be helpful. If not, I'm sorry for rambling!



Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

#210154 - 03/11/08 10:23 PM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: treadmill_guy]
JT's the Man Offline

Registered: 02/21/08
Posts: 41

Treadmill Guy:

I really really identify with your post. It has been the story of the last 10 years of my life.

I have found recently something very different. While I was fixated on guys bodies, it does not mean that I wanted to be with them. I pursued this because of my abuse though.

I ended up having compulsive sex over the past year with guys as a result of breaking up with my girlfriend.

SO maybe you would like to talk, I am here and we could definitely talk. I am definitely straight but have been very confused...

#213491 - 03/27/08 06:00 PM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: testingWaters]
JustJeff Offline

Registered: 03/19/08
Posts: 262
I think bp has the right idea.


#215432 - 04/05/08 01:04 AM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: treadmill_guy]
jamess_54321 Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/04/08
Posts: 2

I have been married for many years, and had the same thoughts, I am not attracted to men either I love my wife, making love to her, and all the good things good husbands do when happily married. but those fantasies of doing a man kept me wondering I finally acted on it and it was horrible. but you know I went back, over and over, at first it made me sick but the more i went the more habitual it became. I was sick with guilt for years carring this secret life around for all those years. kept telling myself it was going to stop, only to find myself back out again. I use to use the excuse that its ok because my wife dont have a dick, and cannot provide that need for mean and therefore it is not cheating. I also thought it would be better for her to find me with a man, rather than a woman, because of that my warped thinking was that another woman has what you have so therefore i dont need a woman to cheat with that made the man thing more justifiable in my warped mind.thank
God I got caught and now have to look at the whole picture with open eyes and mind, and started counseling to help me, my great wife, is as of today, still trying to work through this with me and , all I can say about that is she must love me a lot to even be willing to try after what I put on her plate. so I would say to you treadmill guy that you might think of getting some professional help or advise because the thoughts were on my mind for some time before I finally let the curiosity finally get the cat so to speak thanks for listening.

#215474 - 04/05/08 04:11 AM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: jamess_54321]
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 2724
Loc: Washington State
There is something that happens to us when we are abused by another male. The normal curiosity and competitiveness gets hard wired to sexusl impulses and even before we can understand it we can find ourselves drawn to want to act out in this fashion. Counseling and telking about can relieve some of the desires but some rewireing may be in order if that does not work. It is not ease but it can work and you can overcome these disires. The worst thing we can do is hide it and keep it secret. That can allow it to fester and grow.

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