Every single thing you talk about here sounds like the continuing effects of feelings and ideas you learned as an abused boy: the idea that the world is basically a dangerous place that threatens you with harm 24/7, the idea of sex as something harmful that A does to (not "shares with") B for the sake of "getting off", and most especially that whole galaxy of bad feelings we have about ourselves as boys and then men. I am worthless, I can't protect myself much less anyone else, I will never be able to relate to a woman sexually, I will be abandoned if I get close to anyone, etc.
Jason, I still remember - as if it were yesterday - the first time i had the chance to have sex with a girl. I was 16 and my parents were away, sooooo..... But when the time came the thought came crowding into my head: "This is what Mr **** does." Needless to say, nothing else happened that evening. And later on in my youth I can see that the few relationships I did have were basically dysfunctional and fueled on both sides by alcohol and drugs - not really by caring for one another.
I think you hit the nail on the head right here:
What is it that causes the anxiety? That is the fear of not being able to add up as a strong man. I have to take care of myself first and I still have trouble with that.
We do have to be strong for ourselves before we can offer any strength to others. That is, we need our strength and confidence before we can get into a successful relationship. We need to face these old feelings and recognize how false and harmful they are, and for that I personally think we need the help of a good T.
But behind all this stands the need to recognize that these difficulties don't mean we are fuck-ups and losers. When we feel like that we just make things worse. What we need to do is get the help we need, find the courage to face our issues, and commit to moving forward.