I couldn't sleep much last night to many thoughts spinning in my head its just flowing out like a movie now and my fingers are just recording it down. This continuation doesn't go quite to a move as I had said they would but it was getting long and the final moment i discuss makes me need to have a break from this for a little bit.

We moved to a place called Cultus lake mommy couldn’t afford to live in our old house or something I’m not sure. At first I liked Cultus there was forest everywhere to explore I even made a few friends which made me happy because It ment I didn’t have to be at home. I was in the first grade and my teachers name was Mrs. Dixon she was a really nice lady and I really liked her as my teacher. Cultus is also when mommy and I’s relationship took another change to something I never expected.

By this time I got to see daddy every few weekends he would come and pick my brother and I up and we got to spend the weekend at his house. He had an apartment in another city about 40 minutes away which was ok with me because it was far away from mommy and getting hit. I never told daddy that mommy hit me I didn’t want him to know how much of a disappointment I was I wanted him to love me like he did before he left and I thought he might not if he knew about all the bad things I had done. I really liked spending time at dads because I got to feel that safety that I felt from him before. The apartment wasn’t very big usually my brother (4 years older then I) would sleep on the couch and I would sleep in dads big because it was really big. I woke up upset I was almost crying dad must have heard me wake up and asked what was wrong… I just said nothing he asked me to turn around I smiled and complied he had a game that would always cheer me up. With my shirt off he would take one finger and as gently as possible trace a letter on my back and I would have to guess it, then try and guess the word he was spelling before he was done. I am really ticklish so I would always giggle…. It just made me special. The time I was at dads some would say it was like we were attached at the hip I never wanted him out of my sight. At the start my dad kept going to the same church just in a different city. I would follow him to the adult lessons and talk with the big people more then the other kids. However the best part of Sunday was pancakes usually in the morning that’s what we got to have for breakfast it was always really good. We would get to do other fun things to like walk at the park just me and dad sometimes I even got to go to the wave pool. I liked the waves the most of course and would always find the biggest foam board to float on.

Unfortunately every weekend had to have an end. I can remember the drive home Sunday night usually fairly late after the sun had gone down. I gazed out the window watching the world fly by as we drove down the highway. The drive home always seemed quite although it could be I was just day dreaming again.. This is about the time I started to dream of angels its something to this day I haven’t told to a face to face person but I would imagine I was an angel and as I gazed out the window I could fly away. I had big white wings with lots of feathers, a white tank top shirt, and my white underwear (angels don’t have to wear pants because they are so good and pure) on my wrists I had those bracelets you get at the hospital angels keep them to remember the people they helped and saved… id go anywhere… anywhere but home. “We’re here Gerrod make sure you have all your things” brought me back to reality I reach over and pick up my backpack that held my cloths as I pushed open the back door. Mom would be waiting at the door hands on her hips glaring at dad “Your late again! They were supposed to be home an hour ago they have school in the morning you know, not that you know how to take care of them!” By this time I knew what she was doing to dad she always put him down around us which made me sad because I couldn’t do anything to stop it.

Once we got inside I could hear dad and her fight for a little about child support bills or something like that. Soon he would leave and mom shut the door.. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven that’s how many steps mom took from the back door to the kitchen where I stood. I started to remember and listen for these things so I could always try and stay out of her way as much as possible. The course of the night was fairly similar just after coming home from dads first was bath time then usually right to bed. Mom never knelt down to talk to me anymore like she used to she just gazed over me putting me in this ominous shadow. “Did you have a good time sweety?” I would just nod, I seemed to have this built up courage when I got home that let me stand against her for a little bit. I was never in the best mood when I got home I even started to yell and scream but I didn’t scream about mommy I screamed about daddy inside I remember saying no that’s not the words that I want to come out inside I was screaming “Why do you hit me so much!” “Do you love me?” but what came out was “I want to see daddy again!” he had his weekend now your with me ok! She would get mad at me when I was in this mood it usually only ended in a swift hit to my face. I froze and scrunched up the best I could to brace for the impact. Nothing happened I waited for a bit then I got brave and slowly opened my eyes and turned my head up at her… “Its time for your bath lets go buster” she pulled my first backpack side off then the next and laid the bag on the floor against the counter. The bathroom was just to the left of the kitchen and the door was already partially open as we walked inside mom closed the door behind her. It was like my safe room because as the door closed behind her almost instantly her mood changed from frustration to this smile I wont say it was a happy smile sort of this odd grin but at least It wasn’t a glare anymore. I sat down on the edge of the tub “Arms up little buddy” I raised my arms in the air as mom took hold of the bottom of my shirt and slowly bulled it over my head up and up till the neck would get caught on my chin a little tug and it popped off. She tickled my tummy I giggle and curl my shoulders and bend over a bit under the laughter. “Did you have a good time at dads this weekend?” yes mommy, “I’m glad and do you love mommy?” of course I do mommy I love you. “I know I love you to little man.” she stood me up and dropped to her knee as she un buttoned the top button of my jeans then unzipped the zipper. I was kind of small for my age I guess and usually my jeans just fell to the floor. I step out of the first pant leg then the second. “we’ll you cant very well have a bath in your underwear now can you undies off mr” she would say in a joking voice. She put one hand on each side of what I would come to know nicknamed as my “tighty whites” now this part seemed to always happen and I would get this sort of upset feeling in my tummy. Mommy slowly bent down and first put her hands under the elastic at my waist then slowly started to pull down as she put her lips over my tummy and blew against it making me giggle then that first cool breeze against my private part id go stiff and take a big gulp as she finally removed my undies I felt like that angel but now I lacked my innocent good boy undies. I stood there for a bit as was the usual she would hold my left and right hand at my sides in her hand I wanted to place them over my private part its like I was an alien being examined. I was still in the first grade about 75 pounds or so maybe brown hair brown eyes.. And what I call my clean time because I didn’t have any of that hair that appeared when I was a little older. “You’re a very beautiful boy Gerrod, your very special” I shuffled to the left as she turned the taps as the water started to fill the tub I slowly stepped inside I dipped my big toe in to test and flinched “to cold mommy” she moved the knob on the left a bit more as I sat down. I liked to watch as the water slowly creeped up my body first covering my feet and before I knew it half way up my legs the little bubbles escaping from under my legs always tickled and id giggle again. As the water wrapped around me my tummy seemed to feel better again and I didn’t feel weird anymore. This bath happened all the time once I came home from daddies like she had to clean the dad out of me or something. She would scrub me head to toe particularly between my legs over my private part I never thought much of it though because I was special mommy just wants her special boy to be clean I always thought. Next she would put shampoo in my hair and id plug my nose as she dunked my face underwater id open my eyes under water it made me feel like a fish but was always a bad idea because when she pulled my head up again the soup ran in my eyes and it always burned.. Boy do fish have it rough. She pulled the plug and all the water drained away from the tub as I stood there first she wrapped a towel around my head then she rubbed my whole body drying me off with a second one I just remember because after id hold it like a cape and be like super man hehe. My pjs would already be ready for me on the counter which always gave me a sigh of relief I always felt better being an angel with pants and they were always so warm just out of the dryer was my guess.

I gave mommy a kiss and walked to my bedroom jumping into bed and quickly diving into the covers I could hear mommy as she followed soon after into the room. “All ready for bed buddy?” yes mommy “And is my little guy squeaky clean?” I think so mommy. She would rub her thumb on my shoulder making a squeaking sound up sounds squeaky clean mommy. I always asked if she could stay with me I had a hard time falling asleep alone she would go to the door and shut it so there was just a crack of light coming through then shuffle behind me on my bed. This always made me smile and I was soon drifting off to sleep. That night is the first time I remember it. I awoke startled everything was black as my eyes had not yet adjusted to the light I felt like something was touching me different though a touch had never felt like that before. As the sleep faded a bit I became a bit more aware at the same time a soft voice in my ear whispers “shhhh, its ok go back to sleep I’m here.” it was mommies voice. Then I realized my pj pants were moving, no not moving something was underneath them a hand touching like it was on a mission because it didn’t feel like bath time when it was just random washing no the hand was very specific it wrapped two fingers around what I know now to be called my penis and it was slowly going up and down. It gave me a really weird feeling almost a nice feeling if it wasn’t for my confusion in the moment. After a minute or two it even made me feel calm again and sleepy but I didn’t shut my eyes not for the rest of the night I gaze towards the door eyes locked on the single crack of light. I wished for it to cast itself on me I didn’t want to be an angel in the dark at that moment.. I didn’t blink I didn’t speak I didn’t move I just stared for the rest of the night as this hand moved about my private part. This is how it started soon I found my self waking to this similar feeling night after night. By the end of the week I found I could gaze into that light and if I did it long enough my eyes just seemed to roll away and everything goes dark it took me to a place I didn’t feel a place of nothing… dark silent and I’m alone away from the hand.