I posted part of my story over a year ago in the form of the police report I did. I have decided to look at the full story.. I wanted to write about my feelings about the course of events called my life. However this does create an issue in length so I have decided to separate the story by the different places we moved to.

I woke up mommy and daddy were yelling again. Something about money I was never sure after all I am still little. I wish they wouldn’t fight anymore I get so scared is it because of me they fight? I’m not sure. I crept down stairs to find out where they were yelling this time. I peeked around the corner to the kitchen they didn’t hear me wakeup to wrapped up in there big person worlds maybe. Mommy is leaning against the counter well daddy is at the table there seems to be lots of papers on the table. I creep into the room mommy notices me and kneels down in front of me. “What are you doing up sweety did we wake you up?” I reply asking why she was yelling did Gerrod do something bad? That was my name at the time Gerrod it was an odd spelling she picked it out when I was born Gerrod Hamilton, she would later say that she choose Hamilton as my middle name so that if I wound up on the street at least I would sound important. Anyway she denied I did anything bad and told me it was just adult stuff. I reached down into my pajama pants pocket and pulled out a dollor I ran up to the table and placed it down then ran back to my room.

Mommy and Daddy didn’t stop yelling nights turned into days then into weeks. Soon daddy didn’t seem to come home every day Mommy just said he had to work late but something felt wrong inside. It was a Sunday when everything changed Mommy had seemed frustrated all morning about something as she moved about the house putting things on the front deck. I asked her what was going on but she must not have heard me. I asked my brother if he knew but he said he didn’t know ether.. I looked for Daddy but I guess he had to work late again. All of a sudden I heard the front door rattle and then yelling it was daddy he couldn’t get in mommy ran to the door and they started yelling again she said she wanted him to go away and never come back then she handed him a big stack of papers. I quickly ran upstairs and looked out the window facing the driveway my brother was there to soon after I heard daddies car start up mommy came up behind us and told us that daddy was going away for awhile and we were going to be on our own then she gave us both a hug. I don’t remember exactly what she said I was watching daddy drive away. As the dust from our dirt driveway blew away behind the car mommy and Nolan left but I stayed gazing out the window I guess I thought maybe if I looked long enough he would come back… he never did and I didn’t hear from him till a few weeks later on the phone. I wish I could remember what he said I just kept asking him when he was coming home, when are you coming home daddy.. But he wasn’t coming home.

I started to miss daddy more every day. He didn’t exactly spend a lot of time with me when he still was at home but I still looked up to him. He was big and strong I felt safe when he held me in his arms he was a nice daddy. We went to church I remember we joined when I was very little these two people in black suits came to our door one winter and started to talk to our family after a month or so we started going to church regularly.. I only mention this because that’s the first place I started to be a disappointment to mommy. After daddy left I had trouble smiling anymore especially at church seeing all the other boys who had a mommy and daddy. We got home from church around 1pm as usual my brother went up to his room just as mommy called me into the kitchen. “WHY CANT YOU SMILE FOR MOMMY?” “WHATS WRONG WITH YOU!” “YOU’RE AN EMBERRASMENT WHY CANT YOU SMILE LIKE THE OTHER BOYS?” then she hit me across the face… this was the first time mommy ever hit me like that I instantly broke into tears not so much for the pain but out of fear at that moment I was scared of mommy.

The disappointment continued I tried so hard but nothing seemed to be good enough… “WE PRACTICED THOSE SPELLING WORDS FOR THREE HOURS! WHY ARE YOU SUCH A SCREW UP!” I’m sorry mommy her hand hit my face again the world went dark… I woke up on the kitchen floor my brother looking down at me.. Hey, hey bro are you ok? I ran away crying to my room. “WHY ARENT YOUR CHORES DONE YET GOD YOU CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT CAN YOU!” “SAY THANK YOU WHEN I GIVE YOU SOMETHING!” I’m sorry mommy, I’m sorry mommy… the whole world seemed to be constantly spinning maybe I should have just stayed down but every time I got up off the floor just to another disappointment it seemed. There was one day when I came home from school we had a test that day I didn’t do so well again… I don’t know why I tried my best I just couldn’t focus anymore. The bus stopped at the top of our driveway I slowly walked to the front of the bus I didn’t smile anymore I remember looking over at the bus driver I don’t know if my face showed it but I felt like I was walking to my own funeral. I knew mommy was going to be super mad again I didn’t know what would happen. I got off the bus and heard the door slam shut behind me I watched the bus drive away until it was out of sight. As I walked down our driveway I got this warm feeling go down my left pant leg I looked down at the ground as a puddle formed around my shoe. I was so scared what was mommy going to do this time? I got to the front deck and slowly walked to the door trying not to make any noise I didn’t want mommy to see I wet my pants and failed the test! Failure the door made a loud creek as I opened it. “Gerrod can you come see me in the kitchen please” my heart sank I walked into the kitchen and without saying a word held up my test. She snatched it out of my hands and I took a few steps back bracing for what was to come. I cant remember fully what happened next I don’t remember her saying anything I just remember the burning sensation on my cheek as her hand hit me again then the same sensation on the opposite cheek. I stumbled trying to get away I saw the back sliding door was open and started towards it just as I thought I was safe I felt a sharp pain on the back of my head then I remember my eyes rolling to the back of my head I remember falling face first into the ground and my forehead hitting the sliding door rail then everything goes black. When I wake up I feel something running down my face I rub my hand on my forehead it hurts so much I look at my hand its red, I’m bleeding, Am I going to die I think to myself. “Sweety are you ok! You had a nasty fall I turn to see mommy coming towards me with a cloth I take a step back but fall to my knees instead as mommy catches me in her arms. She wipes my head and gives me a kiss.. that’s all I can remember of that day.