The final part, a summary from 17 til now (Triggers)
OK, from the age of 17, up to about age 35, I "dated" many times. Some of the women I met through friends, at bars, and through phone date lines. (The internet dating was not available yet)
Each one was pretty much the same story. We meet, we decide that there is a mutual attraction and some common interests. We go out, to movies, to dinner, to a concert. Eventually, the woman would give up on waiting, and would initiate the sexual encounter, and every time, one of two things would happen. 1- I would be unable to have an erection. 2- I would have an orgasm before we even really got started. The shame, and embarassment of this was very hard to bear.
The lines I tollerated were many, but usually along the lines of "What's the matter with you",
"Don't you find me attractive", "are you gay or something", "This isn't your first time, is it".
Just to recall a few of the more common ones. Each time, I would swear to myself that I would never get in that position again, but I always did. I could never be honest with any of them and admit that I was still a virgin, not by choice, and not because I hadn't had the opportunity, but because my equipment never functioned the way it was supposed to.
I even tried to have sex with another guy, well, actually with 3 other guys in this same time frame. The results were the same as they were with the women. Failure to rise to the occasion, or finished before anything even started. The one thing I did notice though was the guys were much more understanding than the women. I never got a rude, or demeaning comment from any of the three that I got involved with. This was very different from the female responses.
From 35 until 45 I completely avoided anything to do with dating, or relationships, or especially sex. I had accepted my fate, to be alone the rest of my life.
I was 32 years old when my younger brother disclosed to my cousin that our father had sexually abused him. When she and my aunt (my fathers sister) confronted me with his "lies" as they put it. While I did, in some strange way, feel that something had not been right with my childhood, I had no real recollection of being sexually abused.
I did remember the voilent outbursts, the being backed into the corner, being screamed and cussed at, and eventually hearing the belt zip from the pants, and the stinging all over as it whipped its way across my body, but sexual abuse, that I didn't know of, or remember, so I agreed with them, He had never discussed anything of this nature with me, but then, we talked very little. It was less than a year after this that I started having a rare, and disturbing dream in which I would see, and actually smell a shadowy figure, stale cigarette smell, at my bedside. As the dream would return, a little more detail would be revealed each time. This figure, very big, much bigger than me as a small child, would feel my private parts. He would take my hand, and place it on his private parts, and I could hear the heavy breathing, and smell the aweful stale smokey bad breath, and I would wake up in a sweat. This dream, would present itself totally at randomn. I never knew when it woud come, and everytime it did, It felt a little worse when I woke up. What made this so strange, is that I NEVER remember my dreams. I've been a recreational marijuana user since I was about 15. I know that if I don't have a little herb, I don't sleep, and I mean without it, I can lay in bed all night, and never fall asleep. In the rare times that I was unable to find any weed, it would take me up to 3 or 4 days without any sleep at all before I would finally start to sleep, a couple of hours at a time. Durring these times without any weed, the dream became very vivid, and sometimes, it would repeat itself several times in the same night. I remember having to go to the doctor to get something to releive the muscle strains in my arms from the reaction I had to the dreams. It didn't take me long before I remembered what my aunt had told me my brother claimed our father had done to him, and I began to know that he was telling the truth. By this time, my father had been dead for a couple of years, and even though it was in the back of my mind, I tried to not even think about it.
From 17 up to 45, I was simply a machine. Waking up each day, so I could go to work, so I could pay the bills, so I could have a nice place to live, and a few nice things to enjoy, so I could have a nice place to sleep, so I could wake up, so I could go to work, so I could pay the bills...............you get the idea.
I was the best night in shining armor my friends and family had ever seen. If anyone close to me needed something, anything, they knew that they could depend on me to rescue them. No matter the cost to myself, my credit, or my financial demise. If I didn't have the money they needed, I would get another credit card, and TA-DA, Scott to the rescue. I'm still trying to pay off debt that was squandered in my effort to please everyone else in my life, and I'm talking in the thousands of dollars. I look at myself in the mirror and think, you stupid idiot, look what you have to go through, just because you wanted everyone else to be happy!!
Then, one night, something happened that brings me totally up to the present.
At 45, I went out on a Tuesday night, to a local bar that had karaoke on Tuesday's. I love to sing, and am a huge fan of karaoke. I spotted this attractive Asian lady in the bar. She was dresssed like a guy, baseball hat, really short hair, bib overalls with a leather bombers jacket on.
Nothing lady like about her accept her beautiful face, and her womanly figure. I don't know exactly what drew my attention to her, other than she looked out of place, and sad. I got up to go to the bathroom, and took the long way to get a better look at her. I was stunned. I had never felt such a strong attraction before, for any gal, or guy for that matter. I thought she looked to young for me, and tried to dismiss the feelings.
I got called to sing, I still remember I had chosen "I told you so" by Randy Travis. As I was singing, I saw her come out of the bathroom, and as she walked directly across the floor in front of me, my singing caught her ear, and she looked at me, and smiled. A really big smile, and my heart started doing back flips. I mean never, ever had I had this "feeling" that her smile brought my way. After I was finished, I could not stop myself from walking over to try to say something.
The only thing I could think of, was, "Hi there, are you going to sing too"? To which she just said "Oh no, I don't sing" and her head tipped back down so the brim of her had covered her eyes again. I didn't know what else to say, so I just said "oh, ok, well have a good night" and I left.
My head started in right away on me "what the hell are you thinking, you know nothing good could come from this, haven't you suffered enough, you idiot!!"
I couldn't get her out of my head though. She consumed practically every free moment my brain had. Questions flooded my mind, how old was she, was she "taken", surely she was, she was so attractive, why don't you just forget about her, but I couldn't.
I went back the next week, praying that she would be there, and she wasn't. I had just ordered a beer, picked out one song to sing, planning to leave, very disappointed, when I looked up, and there she was, with a friend and the friend's boyfriend. She walked right up to my table, and said, "do you mind if we join you"? I was standing up, pulling out the chair for her before she could finish speaking.
Long story short, we fell in love. We dated for almost 4 months before she got tired of waiting on me, and she started to initate the sexual encounter. This time, everything felt so much different, I felt so much more in love with her than anyone ever before, and I decided to be honest for a change, and I told her about my problems with sex and preformance, and that I had never been able to successfully have intercourse before. I don't know to this day where the strength came from, but it did, and I was so relieved to have it out in the open for once.
She was understanding. Not so much at first, but she very quickly dismissed her shock at having found a 45 year old virgin and with the help of some of the new ED drugs, we had an awesome sex life!! 8 months after we met, we got married. The first year was great, we were like a couple of teenagers, full of lust and passion, and we made the best of it.
Then life started to get in the way. She started to point out all the flaws in my personallity. Why could I never talk about anything emotional with her? Why was I so withdrawn emotionally? Why didn't I ever talk about us, or our future? Why couldn't I look her in the eye when she wanted to talk about deep issues? Why did it seem like I had so many secrets? Why did I sleep on my belly, with my arms tucked in so tightly? Why didn't I have any dreams, or goals?
And on and on. I thought she had problems. I was totally normal, there wasn't anything wrong with me! Hell, I was 45 years old and didn't have any problems up til now? The next three years were pure hell. Nothing but fighting, arguing, her sleeping in a different room for days or weeks at a time. There was really something wrong, but I had no idea what the root of the problems were until I disclosed the fact that I was almost positive that I had been abused as a child, both physically and sexually.
Even stranger, my disclosure, led to her disclosure, that she too had been abused sexually by her father as well.
That is what got me here. She is what's helping keep me here, but most of all, I'm keeping myself here because I don't want the rest of my life, to be like the life, or lack thereof, that I've known up to now.
I appreciate those of you who have PM me regarding the story. Some of you mentioned that I hadn't finished the story yet, so here it is. Up to date, but not really finished. As far as the ending, that is yet to come, and as the story continues, you can watch and listen to it here as I plan to be around for as long as it takes to become the me that I should be, and not the me that I am now.
I'm here for a reason. Failure is not an option.