In trying to determine if my sexuality was affected by my abuse I have to think of everything relating to my abuse. When I was young 5/6 my mother would get me to take naps by having/ letting me rub her back to sooth myself to sleep. If I was a good boy and took my nap Iíd get a prize. She would talk on the phone while I was napping. I later learned she was talking to her boyfriend, she had no other friends. My parents didnít get a divorce till I was 19 years old. Looking back, I feel as if her allowing me to rub her back made me fell it was ok to have physical contact with others.
So when my abuse started when I 7/8 years it seemed normal, but I can remember at the time looking at nudy magazines and being more interested in the male pictures. See we had a 7-11 next to us that went out of business and my brother and his friend went dumpster diving to get all the magazines, which we hid in our attic which was off of my bedroom. So when they would get together to look at them it would be in my room. My brother didnít want me looking at them because I would tell. He is four years older then me and he was the youngest of his friends by at least a year. I on the hand didn't have many friends close by that were my age, so I hung with the older kids. Well one of the friends would invite me to his house so I could look at the magazines with him, which lead to him show hios privates then me portending to be the girls and him the guys. "As long as I didn't tell it was ok for us to be doing this." So I keep the secret. This lasted several years. I went from being a skinny little kid to wearing husky clothes. My family didn't question the change, "it was normal growth."
The second case and this I am not sure I consider abuse, but except for the fact I was three or four younger then the guy. We would hid in the woods so I could perform oral on him. We did over the course of a summer numerous times.
The third case was with a long time family friend, another one of my brotherís friends. He was at least 5/6 years older then me. He was like a big brother, he actually spend more time with me then my brother. He taught me how to drive stick shift, how to catch a football, just really spent time with me at a time when I needed a friend. I was 12, I was recovering from being hit by a car on my bike, so I had to take every easy, so he would come over and play Atari, till one day he suggestion playing a new game. We would practice catching skills using a red silk stringed Christmas ball. If I dropped the ball he would stick a Lincoln log in my anus or I'd have to perform oral on him. If he dropped it he jerk off. I can only remember this happening one time and then I got an abscess on my rectum and had to go to the hospital to have it lanced. The doctor told my mother then that it could have come from penetration or from not cleaning myself after BM. I got lectured on wiping better. Once you have one of this abscesses you are acceptable to have them reoccur till you have the surgery to repair the area affected, which I have not had.
Wow this felt so good to get this all out!
All my best!!!
I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.