i posted a thread about when is a perp a perp, and since i talked about leon there, i wanted to give the whole story as i remember it. altho it is part of my "story", i in no way feel i was abused, which is why i made the above post. i just wanted to fully explain about leon here. for those that didn't catch the post, i was describing the first time i remember having sex with an adult. At 12 or 13, the age i was, i still had no memories of bein molested b my dad. i had been molested by another boy at 7 or 8, *(the fort)* but it was hardly molesting. i think it was more a reawakening. Anyways, i was 13 and was already going to my best friends dad's house on the weekends. it was too far for us to ride our bikes, (about 7 miles)but even still, it was great. great to have a dad again. i met mr m when i was 10 or 11 i think. I had met tommy in 2nd grade. we became friends in 3rd grade and best freinds for life by 5th. at 12 or 13 i started spending the weekends with tommy and his dad, "mr m.....". i'm 39 and still call him by that.. its so funny... his dad's house had a rear apt where this older, gruff, half blind friend of his dad lived. 50's i think. always burned wood in the wood stove, always nice and warm in there. i don't remember anything specific about him i particularly liked right off the bat. i kinda thot he was a little annoying at first. till i got to know him. as weeks went past, me and tommy became familliar and comfortable with our new arrangement. i was moving in on his dad, but i didn't know he felt this way back then. i just knew anywhere but my house was preferable. not because i was abused,(sexually anyways anymore), but our house was pandamonium. 2 older brothers that beat me and teased me badly.(not sever beatings, but enough that it was just better to stay away. i had been terrorized a few times, but it was mostly just avoiding the pain of a stepdad that wanted to help but didnt know how, a mom that was healing from the trauma imposed on her youngest daughter and messed up son, just typical hell, nothing really "bad". one night, we were over leons, and he was talking about girls, and if we had girlfriends. tommy didn't know what a pussy was if you stuk his face in one. i dont think he even knew what his dik was. i never knew. but i knew what leon was getting at. i knew how to answer him so i would get the next question. he caught my glint. he knew i knew. i think he only continued cuz he was horny, but he knew he had me, and tommy was still trying to figure out when i had getten laid by a girl. (i haden't but i knew how to play leon's game) i think it was the next night i was able to finally get tommy asleep so i could go next door. when i went it, the lights were off and the tv was on. i just went to leon, as a moth to a light. i don't remember the particulars, but i remember eventually i found the bulb. the taste. i remember feeling the warmth and the smells. with the lights off, it COULD be daddy. i dont think i learned anything new. i dont remember him ever trying to take me from behind. i think we mostly used to 69 forever. i think sometimes he would suk me, but it never mattered. i liked doing him. as time went on, we must have been very cavalier about it. i really dont know how nothing was said or thought by his dad or stepmom. or even him for that matter. tommy never asked. did he know? i'll find out as i plan to call him now.(his line is down...go figure...ill edit when i get him)
it should have been SO obvious. no matter how hard i tried to hide my "secrets" from "normal" adults, i was still just a kid, thinkin like a kid, acting like a kid. he would just come in sometimes and we'd be in bed together, and we'd pretended like it was normal. i think i remember seein mr m's wheels turning, so we backed off a while. i dont remember when it stopped or how or why. i know it wasn't anything earth shaking. i dont honestly remember the last time i saw him, or that we played. i just know i missed him.
i guess i feel weird that there is so much violence in my past, but i was spared from having sex and violence combined. maybe it was worse. i dunno. i just feel so bad about so many other dudes that went through so much worse then me. its not that i am minimalizing my own, just wondering how i could have gotten so screwed up from it. today it's about leon, thats all. just me and him. how i felt going in, being, and comming out. the whole truth as remembered as i can. why will i never feel like he molested me? if i met him again, i would be happy. i have no sadness, no sorrow no regrets. i never thought how he felt. never cared i guess...till now. how can i blame him? am i glad i already was prepared? well, yea. i KNEW right away what he was doing. i was totally in control. i cudda played dum and really messed with him. i just wanted it SO bad. still do. SO bad.
its so bad.
i think if he had done that to tommy and tommy wasn't like me, he would have ended up like me. thats only thing i have mad about when i think...really think. tommy had his own abuse. i thank this place for making me finally glimpse why i should feel mad at leon. i fianlly get it. any replies cam be made to the thread mentioned at top. thanks. someofus
so, its a tuff post here.
i wanna heal so badly i'm trying to go over every speck with a magnifying glass. trying to figure out, where i went wrong. its obvious to me that by now i was already out of control. if i hadnt had to be so secretive, maybe i cuda gotten help then, instead of tellin all the shrinks stories. any story. i made them up as i went along. some just followed along happily like puppies, letting me lead them all over the countryside and back... waging their tails the whole way. i had a few that really cared. they scared me. i knew i had to keep far away from them. i knew i had a big mouth sometimes. funny, not one ever asked me. "did anyone ever touch you?". if they did, i sure dont remember it. no one ever had a clue so i must have been good. what an actor. so happy on the outside, so flaky on the inside... 32 flavors, as long as you liked... bananas...
anything else on leon? it is what it is. bye again.
3+7+11+13+19+25+39/9-4 yep, were all somewhere...