A lot of your posts suggest that you see yourself as marking time until some final collapse comes. You often say, for example, that you won't give up "yet", and here is something similar:
but my son deserves a father at home. so for at least the next 3 years until he graduates, i guess i'm in the game.
But one answer to that is that you never stop being a Dad. I'm 58, and a few years ago when I was new to recovery one of the first things I wanted to aim for was telling my Dad. I needed his support. You never get too old to be your son's father, Mark.
But even more important, my friend, is that your recovery is for you first and foremost. You can't give to others strength you don't have. You have to be strong for yourself before you can be there for others.
Yes, recovery takes a long time and it can get rough, but in the last 5 years I have made huge progress and I can actually say I like being me. That's an amazing development for a guy who felt worthless in 2003. And there's nothing special or unique about my healing skills.
I hope you can see the importance of aiming high. Don't tell yourself you won't give up "yet" - that's a defeatist way to look at things and I don't think it can help you. It's a way of saying "I know I can't do this, but I will postpone meltdown until X." Tell yourself you can
do it and aim for that. It really is the only way. Which of us could ever learn to swim, for example, by getting in the water convinced we will drown regardless of how hard we try?