I don't trust people. I just don't do that....I guess I've always had to do everything alone and then the one person I could really talk to dies, I guess I'm sorta on my own again.
This is exactly what you need to do, bro - talk about how you feel. And the stuff I picked out of your post kind of sums it up, doesn't it? What you are saying reminds me of how I felt some time after the abuse ended (I was younger, 14).
I was just sick with confusion, fear, shame, guilt, whatever, and I felt like the world was collapsing around my ears. I didn't feel better because the abuse had stopped, I felt worse because now I could look back over the whole thing and what I saw really made me sick. I could never
tell anyone about that.
But pretty soon I started thinking I would tell my grandfather; I loved him to bits and he was the coolest grandfather in the world - I knew he loved me too. I figured I would tell him, then he would go talk to my Dad and fix everything (the abuser lied to me a lot and told me my Dad would throw me out). What the "fixing" would be like I had no idea, but anything would be better than how I was feeling right then. The only time I felt okay in my own skin was when I was drunk, and even my bed felt dirty with me in it.
What I didn't know was that my grandfather had cancer. I got told later that fall and he died a few weeks before Christmas. I will never forget that feeling. I had lost my only hope. Now things would never get better.
But I was wrong, Xavier. What I was feeling was what a lot of abused teens feel - that good things can't happen to me, or if they do, they will just be taken away and then I will feel worse. That's one of the terrible false lessons we learn from abuse.
Yes, in a way you are on your own again, but it doesn't have to stay this way. And it won't stay this way. I'm not trying to convince you; only you can take decisions for yourself, and you have to believe in them before you can agree to do them. But I can tell you that in life almost all worthwhile things involve risk - maybe not risk as intensely felt as this kind of risk, but risk all the same.
The reality is that we can all do what we need to do to recover. That ability to act can come if we encourage it and allow it to come. If someone had told me three and a half years ago, when I first disclosed to someone, that in July 2007 I would have 10,000 posts on a child abuse website I would have laughed and thought no way I would ever be able to do that. I was too ashamed and mixed up and I would have felt I had nothing to say. Yet here I am. And I have achieved so many other things, and so have a lot of the other guys here.
You can do that too. Not today, okay. But sometime, and sooner than you think. Hanging around here has a way of teaching us the art of the impossible, as I like to call it. One day you will take the big step, and when you do, I will be hanging around to grin and remind you: "I told you so!"
Just keep talking. Whatever it is, however you feel - just say it. That's how we make things happen - by keeping it real. You've seen this before, but here it is again: Stand tall, be proud; always be you!