This may be a lot of rambling – it’s feels like a ton of information pouring in and I need to do something with it, so I’m going to try to write it. Warning – this I suppose could be triggering…
Some medical info: I have achalasia – long story short, my esophagus and opening to my stomach don’t work. For years I have been asked by doctors “Did you ever drink lye?” – a question which my parents would be quick to reply “No” to. The doctor’s would then admit confusion due to the severe scarring present in me. At one point I was examined by a team of doctors at Mayo. The issue wasn’t so much the achalasia as the incredible scarring…
I’ve been told all my life this is a condition I was born with. If you look at pictures of me – I was a healthy looking kid until between 6 and 8 when my weight dropped radically. (By 11 I was mostly a scarecrow) This would coincide with my memories of not being able to swallow – and achalasia onset, which restricts a good portion of nutrients from being absorbed. Of course, this would mean it is NOT something I was born with. With the return of some memory, other things are falling into place.
The one perp I remember to any detail;, when I was about 5, was a friend of my father’s that was helping remodel the house, build the patio, and large garage. (Patio cement – garage cement floor and brick walls). Cement dust is fine - gets under your clothes ... all over your skin...
I don’t clearly remember what happened, but I’ve always “known” I was forced to perform oral sex.
The man worked with cement. Cement has lime – in the early 60s especially. Lime is a severe poison – can cause choking, burning, scarring… In severe cases, death.
The man didn’t just steal my innocence – he physically scarred me for life. The years of pain, torment, exams, surgeries – all of it. Because some guy needed to get his power fix.
I’m shaking inside. Outside I don’t notice any symptoms, but inside I’m a wreck. I’m starting to feel the anguish and pain from Young Mark. And horror. And total lack of relief.
Still no tears ... but I imagine they're coming.