You know, It suddenly occured to me this morning, as I pulled myself out of the horrors of my dreams that I am having nightmares just like many of you. Well, maybe not just like you, the memories and the images each of our subconscious thrust out at us in dreams are obviously going to be different... but I think the feelings might be close to the same.
It takes me at least an hour or two to shake off the feelings of rage, or fear, or panic, or anger that confront me in my dreams. I'm back to not sleeping through the night again. I hate this shit. I've been dealing with this for a couple of years now, and I'm fucking ready for it to be over. I can't remember the last time I woke up without my gut clenched, my heart low, and my mind reeling.
The crazy thing is my aren't filled with images of graphic violence, nor am I reliving the memories of my abuse (at least not the sexual abuse). Usually I'm doing mundane things like shopping with family or out having a drink. But the feelings and situations that come up quickly become anything but mundane. And the feelings I wake up with are horrible.
All I can do right now is wait it all out it seems. Eventually my consciousness reasserts itself and I overcome the night terrors... but I carry with me a feeling of anxiety that I can't shake throughout the day.
I've only had one or two mornings without this pain that I can remember over the past few years. It's no wonder to me why we act out. Anything to keep us form dealing with this, right?
"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.
And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.
I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."
Healing D.H. Lawrence