Fine I appologize, Can you tell I am still struggling with a few Trust Issues. I promise that the letter I wrote and will repost here is genuine but Dammit, It scares the crap of me to be real and lay my heart out there and then it kills me to think I have spit on the people who have been nothing but kind to me. Very Sry. My Life is one be paradox sometimes But please don't give up on me. I know I am not a bad person basically but sometimes out of fear I snap. Anyways, thnx for the comments and support and here is the original Post. I just wanted to leave the edited post to remember what a Putz I can be.
My Story so far
A little over 2 years ago I found MS. I was an angry, scared and confused child in a 39yo mans Body. I found help and information and even found Love here But I was still angry and hurt a few people here along the way. I ask your forgiveness for any harm I caused because it was no more fair for me to attack others than for my uncle to abuse me. I am sry. So I drifted away and while away found out that I was loveable. At 41yo I finally discovered what it felt like to feel loveable and safe for the first time in my life. I learned many things and drifted in and out of MS but as the years wore on I began to Doubt there was a God and question the meaning of life and why I was here etc. I fell into a very dark Hole again and didn't know where to turn. I fell so far as to actually contemplate suicide for the first time actually. I had thought about it and wished I was dead But never actually saw it just in my grasp. Then through a couple of friends I found a reason not to die But I was struggling to find a reason to live. I was killing myself slowly through weight and cigarettes and several things, I was in Limbo. I wasn't sure what to do or where I wanted to go so I returned to the place I knew helped me the most before.
I came back to MS. And met a couple of people and found myself smiling for a change. I felt alive again and knew I wanted to continue this feeling. That brings me to Last Night, or early Monday the 23 of July, 2007. I entered the chat room and they were in the middle of helping someone. It was intense from the first moment. For a moment I thought Crap, It won't be fun tonight and thought about leaving. But I stayed. I watched as several people were helping a 17yo boy to escape from his fathers abuse. This was around midnight for me est and I wasn't in the mood for heavy convos. I saw a few names I recognized so I stayed and watched. Then someone PM me and I posed my questions and wondered out loud about how real this was. I am very skeptical of everything. But I stayed.
I watched and slowly injected now and then as I watched a scared boy trying to find the strength to call an abuse hotline and report his father, using the term loosely. I was scared to get too involved because I had been burned before but then again I tended to not trust anyone further than I could throw them. But I could put on a great show and sound convincing, I have always had to be the actor and chamelian to survive. So it all came naturally for me.
I had long since giving up on God because I could not deal with a God that allowed such Evil to exist. I tended to believe in something just not sure what so basically agnostic. I could show concern for another, I knew all the right things to say but I felt nothing for another person, even my closest friends. I had come to a place where I closed off the entire world emotionally and yet acted and looked like I loved the world. I became a wonderful actor. A Lonely actor but a great one non the less.
I watched as the young man struggled with what to do. He was terrified of his father as so many young ones are that have been conditioned to abuse. I found myself wanting to care but not being able to. I knew in my brain this could be very bad and could be life threatening for someone out there bt my own scared soul couldn't allow itself to be hurt, to be fooled, tricked etc. so my soul stayed protected. The struggle for this young mans life continued. He would try to speak and everyone encouraged him and I thought yeah yeah, they wouldn't care if it was me. They only care because it sounds like a kid. They wouldn't care for an old fart like me. I Know. Heartless but honest, that is what I thought. So I continued to question the reality of the situation. But I stayed. I don't know why because in the past I would have bolted as soon as I didn't get the attention I thought I deserved. I watched and pretended to care now and then. And I listened to the room and saw their concerns grow and I was amazed at how genuine they seem to be. I would take breaks and walk outside and smoke and think, they will find out. This is probably some old guy just wanting attention. But I wouldn't fall for it. I was safe and all alone. Even in a room full of people that could understand where I came from and how I felt I still felt alone. But I stayed.
Then the tention in the room grew to a deafening roar. I saw people fighting for this persons very life and struggling with their own personal demons sometimes. But they continued to be there for Him and they continued to support him and help him in any way that the could. I saw people praying and people begging and people crying. I saw men not concerned about how they looked or sounded but more about how they could help this one in danger. Then I saw a stranger climb into his car and race to this young souls house to protect him thinking nothing of his on danger or situation but only for the safety of the one in immediate danger. I saw someone give their very soul for another. Then I noticed that many had done the same thing. This continued for hours and many stayed as long as they could and some stayed longer than they could. I felt the love that flowed through that room last night. And then I felt the tears,on my own face and then I felt not alone.
For the first time in a long time I felt the spirit of whoever God is Move through my soul. Suddenly strangers became friends and people I cared about. I actually began to care about total strangers or thatís the way I thought they were. I am not sure what happened last night but I do know this. I was blessed to be a part of something amazingly special. I was blessed to be apart of a group of people that transcended this world and the boundaries of space and time and emotions and became one in the goal of saving a soul. I was blessed last night and I,know there is a God. He or she may not be the God of My youth, I still believe that for there to be a God it must be one of Pure LOVE and Pure Beauty and the Ugliness of this world Must be of Man. I can't bring myself to believe that a God would ever allow evil such as that done to so many in here. I choose to believe in the God that transformed a small group of strangers into a force to be reconed with. And in the end saved a soul.
Not just Jakes, But mine as well.
Come What May!
My name is Ken
I am a Work in Progress, Please excuse the mess from time to time!
I finally Realize, The abuse and it's Direct effects are NOT MY FAULT but The Rest of MY Life IS!