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#169103 - 07/26/07 01:13 PM Re: when a man loves a man [Re: Lazarus]
pain4ever Offline

Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Originally Posted By: Lazarus
You don't sound like a girl, Pain. You sound like a well adjusted man to me. So many men thing that showing sensitivity is effeminate, but let me tell you, if more men did it they'd understand how much beauty they were missing out on because they were afraid they'd look like a 'sissy'. Pshaw.

LOL...Funny you should talk about the "effeminate" thing...I have accepted my being gay but I can't seem to accept any part of me being "effeminate".

Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

#169225 - 07/27/07 01:34 AM Re: when a man loves a man [Re: Nate]
Russ2 Offline

Registered: 10/28/03
Posts: 77
Hi Nate,

Thank you so much for taking the time to post on such a meaningful and personal topic. I would just like to say that as a gay male survivor of CSA, it is possible to find true love and to fully enjoy all the pleasures (both emotional and physical) of a life-long relationship.

It may take time to find that one special man, but as long as you are patient, understanding, realistic and maintain a glimmer of hopefulness, then it will very likely happen for you. My husband and I have been happy together (and deeply in love) for over 15 years now, and it just keeps getting better and better each day!

All my best,

#170962 - 08/04/07 06:37 PM Re: when a man loves a man [Re: pain4ever]
Danbuff Offline

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
WOW, I almost want to cry for so many reasons. It is a mixture of sad distortions that are consequences of abuse and the beauty of the poins which Lazzarus so wonderfully states. I am the fool who once was so numb that meaningless sex duped me into meaning they liked me or maybe even loved me. In reality they used me and reabused me. What a model I had to set my standards by. Annonymous gay sex, or sex that is a distortion of love is the result of unhealthy boundaries and beliefs. I would be devestated after the guys were done and they never called again unless it was for a quickie. That cycle played over for me all of my life and I am only beginning to see the truth and take control. To say that ALL gay men are sluts is mischarecterizing the truth. As Laz said birds of a feather.

I was numb for years I was angry and mistrusting or foolishly too trusting because I wanted to believe someone actually valued me or might possibly love me. How is that for insecurity? Just one more consequence of CSA. I believe Jarrad and Nate are still a little numb, in denial and deep down crave to be loved. I don't want to pretend to know your feelings but if you are survivors then I'd say my guess it pretty close to the truth. I hope to one day find a good loving man who will embrace me and I hope I could do the same. I have a long way to go and a short time to get there but I have hope. That is why I am grateful to be part of this group. Laz and many others can help me and they have. I fully support everyone here who struggles, has pain and tries. I want to see each of us recover our dignity and find out what love , trust, boundaries and respect are.

Amen to Laz. You are so correct. I wish you a lifetime of happiness. I hope we all find that special someone and discover ourselves in the process.
Peace, Dan

When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

#170965 - 08/04/07 08:14 PM Re: when a man loves a man [Re: Danbuff]
Lazarus Offline

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA

Thank you for the kind words. It's very nice to have one's feelings and opinions validated by someone else. You've made my day.

The key to finding a healthy and fulfilling relationship, I think, is to be ready to accept it when it happens. That requires that we, as CSA survivors, have done at least some of our homework in healing. Realizing our past mistakes and determining not to repeat them. Opening ourselves up to being just a little bit vulnerable with the people we trust. Learning from our experience the difference between who is really interested in us vs who is just looking for his next score. Finally, and most importantly, it means believing we deserve a healthy relationship.

That's a lot of homework! It's not surprising that many people haven't gotten to that point... hell, it only took me 40 years! LOL I am glad to see anybody who is here searching for help, but especially glad to see the younger guys, who have a chance to change their lives now and not spend years or decades in the emotional (and sexual) limbo that I went through.

I am happy to be of help whenever and however I can.

Thanks again, Dan


"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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