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#16438 - 10/29/02 01:12 AM where i'm at
bec Offline

Registered: 10/03/02
Posts: 187
Loc: chicagoland area
hello men:

i'm working on the courage to let y'all know where i am at. ok, have not masturbated in days. weeks? maybe. haven't viewed porn in weeks? yes. months? i think so. but we definitely desire both.

i have been thinking much lately about me and my issues. a man recently replied on this board that excessive denial of a vital human need is just as unhealthy as excessive indulgence. or, sexual anorexia, as author Patrick Carnes might call it, is just as ill as sexual addiction.

i am a human being with a need for intimacy and sex. due to my wounds from being incested i have never been able to know deep intimacy or sex with anyone.

i am a 39 yr old virgin. i have used porn and masturbation to meet my physical need for some 20 years. but, my emotional need i do not know how to meet.

"sexual anorexia", the book by Carnes. i got my hands on a copy the other day and read the first 2 chapters i believe. some of the material definitely applied to me. some other material i felt didn't.

based on how Carnes put it i do feel his definiton of a sexual anorexic applies to me. so, sexual addiction applies as well.

wow, it does not feel good admitting that but if the shoe fits you might as well wear it. like John Bradshaw said: "nothing changes until it becomes what it is." you can't get any better by pretending you don't have a problem. once you admit it then the possibility for change/healing exists. (Lord please help us all be our best. please help us all be honest, brave, real.)

there, i am glad i shared this with y'all. switching topics, God willing i'll turn 40 this weekend. (Lord God please help us be grateful and humble. we are very thankful to have survived. thanks so much!) it's good to still be alive.

i am going to try to find a way to celebrate/treat myself to something special. maybe a meal at a favorite restaurant. we'll see.

oh, and we went and applied for a job earlier. it was the first time we had the courage to do this in some time.

you see, we haven't worked in over 3 years. we have a mental disorder and working can be really tough. but, we know we must work again as soon as possible.

wow, men it is so tough to admit that. man, it is tougher than the porn confessions i made earlier. there is much shame in me for the problems i've had working. being a man without work is a tough thing as my past psychologist said. he was right.

men, i need to go now. thanks very much for reading this and may our Gods bless us all.


#16439 - 10/29/02 01:23 AM Re: where i'm at
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
take pride in what you have gained, although you do have your sights set high.

Don't go beating yourself up, enjoy yourself some. We deserve that.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#16440 - 10/29/02 02:37 AM Re: where i'm at
Cement Offline

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
I find your post uplifting. You are worth a celebration. Yeah for you, Bec.

You are facing things that may have been in hiding a long time. You are brave enough to type the words out, so that they become real. Now you have spoken them. It doesn't end, but their power is lessened. Look at the words. They lay there on the page. They are stagnant, unchanging. They are only things.

You are a living, breathing being, with the ability to adapt and change in whatever way you choose. You have a mind and a spirituality to nurture you. You have other men with similar experiences cheering for you. You are special.

I, for one, am very proud of you...what courage you have shown! Go easy on yourself, not too much at a time. I can read in your words what darkness has been lightened for you, and it makes me happy just reading it.


And let the darkness fear our light.

#16441 - 10/29/02 03:23 AM Re: where i'm at
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hi bec,

I am with cement--talking about it takes power away from it.

Now, you mention something that intrigues me--sexual anorexia--I wonder if the Pope would let me seek a cure????

Have a great new year of life. And thanks for your PM.


If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

#16442 - 10/29/02 04:40 PM Re: where i'm at
Wuamei Offline

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...

I am also very much in agreement with Cement in all he shared. I also echo Lloydy: don't kick yourself around; you're taking some big steps & making remarkable progress! And celebrate another year of survival, of life, by doing something special for you! I join The Dean & all of in wishing you a happy birthday!

My thots & hopes & prayers are with you as you go job-hunting, that you will find something that fulfills your needs in every possible way.

Take Care Bec


"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

#16443 - 10/29/02 04:55 PM Re: where i'm at
New to this Offline

Registered: 09/16/02
Posts: 138
Loc: Mississippi
i have used porn and masturbation to meet my physical need for some 20 years. but, my emotional need i do not know how to meet.
Some of us are married and have used, or still are using the same method. Some of are just learning that we cannot meet our emotional need. We need intimacy.
We all are traveling up the same road.


ps Watch out for Wuamei--he's got a "Road Rage" issue. OOOOWWWOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH

"Knowledge itself is power" Francis Bacon


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