there is so much bubbling under the surface, I need to get it out and after a few weeks on here with you guys, it feels safe to do so. Thanks to the guys in the chatrooms, you know who you are.

Mine started in 5th grade. I was the fat kid, puberty hadn't gotten around to stretching me out yet. I had just moved to the school district a year earlier. 5th and 6th graders had PE together. This kid was a 6th grader that had been held back a couple of times. He was at least 6 inches taller than any other kid in our class and had already gone through puberty.

He struck a certain amount of fear into most of my classmates. when coach would send us off to get a drink, he'd push in line behind as many of us as he could, push us into the waterfountain and grind into our behinds and whisper "give me some booty" in our ears. How could coach not catch on???

Then mysteriously, my PE suit disappears. In retrospect, it is obvious that he took it and disposed of it. When I couldn't find it, Coach told me I probably left it out. Go looking the dressing room. then C.( the abuser) volunteered to help me look for it. He came into the room after me. when I tried to leave, he caught me and drug me back to the other side of the dressing room. the dressing rooms were under concrete bleachers, so no one could hear. He grabbed the box of suits that had been left out and told me to start looking through them. then he grabbed me from behind and started rubbing himself up against me. every time I tried to get away, he simply picked me up, in the position and brought me back. then he started pulling my shorts down in back and trying to stick his hands down the front.

The rest of the year only got worse. I had become his chosen victim. Still no suit. More being sent back to look for it. More help from C.

Eventually I was issued a new suit and did not store it in the dressing room. So tactics changed. Gym was right after lunch and so I would try to sneak into the dressing room at the last minute for class but, he would wait for me. The girls dressing rooms were down the hall and even though they did not have PE that day, the dressing rooms were left unlocked. C would grab me and drag me screaming down the hall way. Coach was always in his office having lunch with his wife.

Now he was gettting bolder on trying to get me to do things. I tried to resist. We had to make it to class on time. I'd try dressing really fast. That just gave him more time to try stuff until we had to be out. SO I tried dressing really slow. then he would help me get dressed. The reverse happened at the end of class. My english teacher would yell at me for being late, but never put it together either.

I couldn't tell. My dad had a history of writing off friends and relatives that didn't meet expectations. I was a fat artsy kid in a redneck town. I already knew I was skating on thin ice. Besides, we didn't confront problems, we smiled and acted like nothing was wrong.

It only ended with the end of my 5th grade year.

I spent the entire summer of 6th grade year terrified. 7th and 8th graders also had PE together. What if it happened again? He wasn't in my class he did try it again with another boy who had the social support to tell and C "went to live with relatives" Same coach. and he never put it together about me.

Gym was always tramatic for me. I'm by no means a jock but, my PE grades cost me valedictorian of my class.

I finally told my best friend in college. He was also a CSA. He was quick to point out that his was worse than mine. Not much more said. In all fairness he was supportive when I finally got it together enough to go to counselling while I was in grad school.

Besides a period of acting out and the teakettle waiting to explode to let it all out, the biggest effect on my life has been relating to male authority figures. I couldn't tell because of an emotionally abusive dad. I had a coach that I respected that had to be completely blind and stupid, or didn't care about me.

I'm leaving a job now because the owner of the company decided he didn't like the way I did things and teakettled all over me. Now I feel like I am 11 again.

I hate coming full circle to this point.

I'm starting a new job and a new chapter in my life. I hope to find another good counselor and see if I can get back on the right track again, and stay there for a while.

Shocking revelations, we are all deeply effected.
-the Waitresses "Wise up"