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#161074 - 06/11/07 05:54 AM Pornography; its use and misuse.
john kay Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/23/04
Posts: 4
Loc: daejon south korea

I was sexually abused by a maternal uncle.A couple of years back I told my parents and went to the police. Subsequently the perpertrator was arrested and I gave evidence in court. He was found guilty and received six years in prison. I'm happily married, my wife's going to give birth at the end of next month. I have a good job, which I enjoy. And recently I've started submitting some of my writing to magazines and competitions. Overall I think I'm doing really well.
Except that every so often, when I get the opportunity when my wife is out of the apartment long enough, I surf the internet and look at and masturbate to pornography. Nothing violent, no under-age sex, mostly just good looking women from around the world giving blow jobs. I enjoy it at the time BUT this is something I want to cut out of my life.
My use of porn is my secret, I obviously don't want my wife to catch me at it. I fear somehow she'll find something I've downloaded but failed to delete. I kept the secret of what my uncle did to me for most of my life, and I know how poisonous they can be. And here I am holding another (dirty) secret to my chest. And, Pornography isn't something I want around, my soon to be born daughter. I want to spend my time and energies on better, more long term projects, not jacking off, when my wife's out. BUT that's what I find myself doing, NOT everyday but inevitably I will surf and find some.
I had a problem with binge drinking, which I've dealt with, and I quit smoking, BUT I'm reaching out here for some advice, so I can end this addiction to porn.
I haven't logged in to male survivor in a long time, but I thought rather than look at some porn, I'd try something else.

Edited by john kay (06/11/07 05:57 AM)
john kay

#161105 - 06/11/07 03:30 PM Re: Pornography; its use and misuse. [Re: john kay]
Chain Breaker Offline

Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 376
Loc: Michigan
Hi John,

I know all about this problem, as it plagued me for many years. Even if it starts out innocently enough, it escalates to a point where it will cause serious damage to your self-esteem and to your ability to cope with stress in healthy ways.

If you want to know more about quitting, PM me.


My name is Joe. I am a survivor and a good man. You can count on me.


"[Insert your name here], I am [Chain Breaker]. Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend?"
--Wind In His Hair, Dances With Wolves

#161156 - 06/11/07 08:59 PM Re: Pornography; its use and misuse. [Re: john kay]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

Originally Posted By: john kay
I thought rather than look at some porn, I'd try something else.

Isn't that the key? Your use of porn clearly troubles you, so why not face the issue and ask yourself what this provides for you, what need it fills. Then ask yourself if there isn't some other way to fill this need without resorting to something that makes you feel so guilty.

I like Joe's take on this. The real problem isn't so mucvh the porn itself as the way in which it affects you emotionally and diverts you from other healthier ways to meet your needs.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#161163 - 06/11/07 09:27 PM Re: Pornography; its use and misuse. [Re: roadrunner]
theo Offline

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1122
i have also been in this very predicament and the pornography eventually caused, or was the stated catylyst for lady theo leaving the next year. we both had our seperate recoveries and they were impacting the other. sounds frivolous at forst, but what went through my mind after reading your post was the song by elvis, "suspicious minds". as a survivor, you have learned the secrecy surrounding the abuse is one of the greatest poisons we face...their secrecy, the predators. as adults, the poison i believe i faced was that theme of suspicion. it was the suspicion of what lady theo could not understand at first, then suspicion of what would happen if i ever acted out on the porn. suspicion infects but when distorted through lens of recovery issues...they can go off the map.

what i think i am trying to say is that what would be otherwise normal negatives like suspicion and secrecy gets way out of proportion when involving recovery issues. this is something disturbing because it is affecting you deeply. that will spill over into the relationship, even if the porn is never discovered. for me, it was the darkness of being alone, or feeling alone that was so overwhelming. i know this helps little...just hang in there

journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

#161531 - 06/14/07 04:40 AM Re: Pornography; its use and misuse. [Re: theo]
Malidin41 Offline

Registered: 07/01/04
Posts: 140
Loc: Utah
I know about some books that deal with this very issue if you would like a list of them let me know. Also I think you should know anything adiction that you resist against and lable as bad will never end. What I mean by this is if you do not accept this for what it is and embrace you will falter every time. You must embrace it's power. Let me know if you want to chat I will help in any way I can and maybe you can help me as well.


Mother of the kingdom of silence I have obeyed you long enough!!!

#161905 - 06/16/07 09:25 PM Re: Pornography; its use and misuse. [Re: Malidin41]
emptydreamer Offline

Registered: 05/19/07
Posts: 276
Loc: Midwest USA
Hi John, I can so relate to your post, I was in the same shoes you are wearing now. I found it so interesting when you said you thought about coming here, instead of looking at porn. I used to surf the porn for hours each day. I am lucky enough to have much freedom at work with my own laptop and wireless internet. My boss would freak if he knew how many hours he paid me to surf the porn when I should have been working. I was powerless to stop. Then about 2 and a half months ago, I started this path to recovery. I did not even notice, until about a week ago, that I had not seen a porn site since I started my healing. It was a shocking revelation that took me totally by surprise. I had spent every possible moment on the web searching and reading everything I could find related to recovery from the abuse. I don't know how, but I didn't even miss it. I don't know where my need for it went, but it did. I too felt guilty about it, knowing how my wife would feel should she ever find out, and I wasn't even doing it at home. Perhaps it was just the need to learn as much as I could about getting better that took me away from it, I'm not sure. I know this may not be of much help to you as I don't have an answer about how you can overcome this yourself. Perhaps, when you feel like viewing some, do a google on Adult survivors of abuse, and browse those pages instead? Best of luck with your struggle, it is a powerful addiction and I know that I just got lucky somehow. Best wishes and warmest regards,

I'm here for a reason. Failure is not an option.


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