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#16077 - 12/07/01 11:53 AM I still sleep with my abuser.

I was 17 years old when it happened. I was looking for a mentor, someone to help me stay in school and go on to college. Instead I got a 25 year old man who couldn't wait to fall in love with me and subsequently sexually abused me. He fullfilled many of his promises as an educated person to see me finish high school and find a job. after 10 years we live together and I feel helpless, I go to my room and cry when he screams at me and I still feel like that innocent 17 year old kid. I am not sure what to do, my family was never there for me and I am almost 30 and still feel like a child especially around him. I am not sure if he abused me or I just not in love with him (maybe I was too old to be abused) Was I abused or am I just in a bad relationship, and I believe I am not Gay.

#16078 - 12/07/01 12:59 PM Re: I still sleep with my abuser.

Hello Lost...MAN O MAN!!!what a situation!!!This is just an opinion but here it goes...If you, and you did, say you were sexually abused than you were...When a person is sexually abused they often get "stuck" at the age when it occurred. In other words...developmentally a person often stops maturing emotionally and psychologically...if there is maturation it is often very slow. This is not always the case but I thought it was interesting that you stated you still feel like a 17 year old...and now for the advice...GET OUT!!!Get away from that guy!!!It doesn't matter if you are gay or not...don't fool yourself into thinking that (and I don't know if this is the case or not)just because you may have enjoyed some of the sexual encounters that it's not abuse...I enjoyed many of the encounters with my abuser...the body responds to physical just does. If he has helped you out in the past with encouragement or finances - that is called grooming - it's done to manipulate and control a person. Just please get out of there so you can start YOUR life and stop letting him control you. I hope this doesn't come off too strong but it sounded like you needed some validation for how you have been feeling. Take care...ok?...Let us know how you are doing...Dave...GOD BLESS!

#16079 - 12/07/01 01:47 PM Re: I still sleep with my abuser.
RJD Offline

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
Hello Lost 411, I pretty well agree with Dave23. I have met survivors who were still being abused into their adulthood. One was 26 yrs old and the other was 45 yrs old. I also remember the story of a professional hockey player who was molested by his mentor/coach through his adolescence.

Do you have a therapist? I hope it would be one who is very familiar with male survivor issues. (When I was suicidal years ago I called a hotline. There the therapist was more interested in affirming his own masculinity than in helping me deal with my struggle with my anihilated sense of identity .) I would expect that it would be very difficult and confusing to separate from this 10 year relationship. For this reason, I suggest deliberate steps. Increasing your support network (including a therapist) is a great survival strategy in my experience. For me this page is a positive piece of my network.

It doesn't sound to me like you are living the life you want to live. I want to support you in your decision making process for change.
------------------ begentle with yourself
---------------------------------- RJD

[ December 07, 2001: Message edited by: RJD ]

[ December 07, 2001: Message edited by: RJD ]

#16080 - 12/07/01 03:59 PM Re: I still sleep with my abuser.

You know I just had to tell ya that that took alot of guts to post your are a strong person... and a person can be abused at any age...17 is still a child so please don't minimize what happened to you .Dave...GOD BLESS!

[ December 07, 2001: Message edited by: Dave23 ]

#16081 - 12/07/01 10:51 PM Re: I still sleep with my abuser.

Hi. I am SO glad you came here to seek help and support. It also sounds to me, at the very least, that you are in a great deal of pain and want desparately to leave your relationship...and I support your feelings of wanting to end it. No one deserves to be abused, no matter at what age.

The others have made good suggestions, and I agree with them. Whateverr you do, please know that you can always come here for support, feedback, etc. We are all here to help one another.

I will be thinking of you and hoping for the best for you. Please keep coming back!


#16082 - 12/08/01 10:26 PM Re: I still sleep with my abuser.

I would echo a lot of what I heard if you are still sleeping with the person who abused you you are still being abused. You need to get free of this person. It sounds like you have a lot of mixed feelings about this person.

#16083 - 12/10/01 04:46 PM Re: I still sleep with my abuser.
getteddie Offline

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
Hey Man,
Your thing is pretty heavy, I did it for 5 years! Dave 23 said it the best about the body responding and liking it...just like the people who like hard get addicted!!!! You must want to get out or you wouldn't have posted but it's going to be real hard...better get prepaired for the worst!!!! You know that he's going to try and stop you any way he're like an investment to one just throws this kind of a thing away!!!!! Got to really get it together for a big push...tell your parents and get them on your side. If you have friends, get them ready to help you. You have to have a safe place to go...parents are the best! If he will not leave you alone after you leave...see the police and press charges against him for the times when you were under age. Get ready for the fight of your life...wait untill you are ready and have it all set up for one big got to have help!!!!


#16084 - 12/11/01 03:48 PM Re: I still sleep with my abuser.
SoCalJohn Offline

Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California

I had to ponder this one before i could reply,,

Your post is short and to the point, which is great, i like that, I cant speak to everything that has happened to you, but i can say this,, you were looking for a mentor, it sounds like you found one to some degree, he apparently came with a bunch of crap you had not expected or planned on having in your life, based on your remarks i tend to think he did take advantage of your youth and innocence and he has been controlling you for some time,, regardless of the reasons as to how you got to today, it sure sounds like this situation no longer works for you and it may very well be time to move on.

I dont mean to discount the past at all, i just dont know enough about it to say much,, but if the guy is yelling at you, and you end up in your room crying with any regularity at all, that definately sounds like an abusive relationship to me, and i mean right now. He does not sound like a mentor at all, he sounds abusive and controlling, it sounds like it sucks big time.

It sounds to me like you are getting to know who you are and that is a good thing,, you can make some changes in your life, you can leave, you can make it without this guy.

When you talk about feeling like a 17 year old around him that really sends up a flag for me, and it has to do with abuse, the power inbalance that takes place, dude, you have to speak up for you, no one else is there to do it.

When you say that you dont believe yourself to be gay and yet you find yourself in a ten year gay relationship, that sends up a red flag for me too, i think its time for you to make some decisions about what you want from your life, i think your already approaching the place where you will be able to take some action and i would encourage you to do that.

Dont let another ten years go by being *comfortable enough* or making excuses for the bad times, that would be so sad.

I wish you strength and courage.


I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

#16085 - 12/20/01 11:23 AM Re: I still sleep with my abuser.

Wake up brother, its not to late to be enslaved by your partner. U still have time. You have the right to have your own life. Find your job and make your own family . then enjoy life to the fullest but please attach yourself to your Creator. God bless. ;\)


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