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#16043 - 10/29/02 03:00 PM Re: I need help (New member)
Wuamei Offline

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...

You know all is not lost & there is hope. You know & admit that the abuse DID happen. You know it was NOT your fault in any way. That's a lot to know and it's powerful knowledge to experience!

Remembering all this is not only what can take us survivors a long way on that "Recovery Road" we're hauling ass down (I like that, BTW--By The Way!). When things get rough, it may be all we have go keep us ON the road! But its still a whole lot!

Now this is a heck of an insight after just one therapy session!: You already realize your wife is also a victim in this, feeling some of the same sorts of things you felt as a victim, like the mistrust.

I hope you have the chance to share this with her. If so she certainly should be able to forgive you IMHO (In My Humble Opinion), tho of course that's her decision to make.

I mean, if you can forgive your perp!...After all, you haven't sexually abused her like your perp abused you.

Of course I don't know if you've told your wife yet since you just found out yourself. But if she's anything like my wife she's probably sensed things from you. She had in lots of ways been feeling the pain of my abuse all along.

And once I remembered my abuse & told my wife what I knew, she was able to help bring things to light I couldn't or wouldn't face on my own.

Of course you have to be able to tell her, and she has to be willing & able to listen & to deal with it. She ought to be able to see that you are no loser--you are a survivor! My thots & hopes are with you in this.

As you "haul ass down the road to recovery," there is no doubt there will be obstacles. Sometimes in this last year they've seemed more than I could get thru or around. But I've gotten thru them, even the worst of them I think & hope.

The only speed limits have been for my own safety, to deal with the road hazards, the re-construction of my life, the times I've just needed to slow down & take a break.

Good drivers on the same road with you? Sometimes good drivers, sometimes just drivers! ;\) (I'm speaking for myself there!). I think there are a lot of good drivers here. I think you're on the right road with a good convoy, fellow male survivor brother. WTG (Way To Go)!

Well, as you can see, I love a good metaphor, and tend to get a little :rolleyes: carried away with them at times!

Just like the initials. And BTW, yes, SA = Sexual Abuse here. It threw me at 1st too. In the past I've been in some forums (of a different emphasis of course) where SA = Sex Addict/Addiction. (Yes I do have one. It seems to often go with the territory of having been sexually abused. But that's another story...).

Take Care Mark


"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

#16044 - 10/29/02 04:21 PM Re: I need help (New member)
New to this Offline

Registered: 09/16/02
Posts: 138
Loc: Mississippi

I can relate to hauling ass down the road to recovery.

I remembered and resolved the SA in about a month. It has been a time of growth & maturing for me. It has been really rough on my wife. She already had trust issues because of her own abuse, and revealing everything about my SA and the effects of it was hard on her.

The whole experience has brought us closer than we have ever been.

One word of caution about haulin' ass: your wife may* not move at your speed. Actually if may seem like you're on an exit ramp and she is just getting on the road. Be very patient, honest and attentive to her emotional state.


*"will" is a more realistic choice here

"Knowledge itself is power" Francis Bacon

#16045 - 10/29/02 06:50 PM Re: I need help (New member)
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Any time the road gets too rough, borrow my 4x4 !!

it is a rough road though, but I can see you are being positive about it. And that's what gets us through all the crap.

Be strong Mark

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#16046 - 10/31/02 01:36 AM Re: I need help (New member)
mTm Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/26/02
Posts: 14
Loc: Dallas Texas
Hey guys, thanks for all of your support. I'm doing much better today, and knowing I can share all of this helps. I wish I could answer you all back individually, but I'm sure y'all understand.

Had my 2nd shot of therapy. Therapist suggested hypnotism and something else. I can't remember what she called it, she wiggles her index finger in my eye and says it will help bring the memories out. It sounds stupid but I've used the procedure before and it helped. Started taking Zoloft to stop the anxiety and the depression. I hope it helps.

Wife is leaving with the 3 girls (2y/o, 5y/o, 7y/o) for a couple of months. Going back to her mothers. I think it's a good thing, her being away from her abuser (me) and me being able to concentrate on me for a while. It will be lonely. Happy Birthday to me (self pity about turning 43 today).

Has anyone read “Abused as Boys”? My therapist says it may answer my questions about my control issues, mistrust, lack of intimacy and other issues as it relates to my adult life. Any other reading material would be great. I'm going to try to find a good book about rebuilding relationships, but that will be later.
Thanks for the support.
One for me((((((((((((((((me)))))))))))))))))

A million ((((((((((((((to all of you)))))))))))))))))).


#16047 - 10/31/02 07:09 AM Re: I need help (New member)
Muldoon Offline

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Happy B Day I read thebook you talked about and it was very good . Hard to find in small town libary you may have to wait to get it in from some other towns libary . My wife also read it and it helped her understand me a lot more. Good luck in your recovery muldoon

Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

#16048 - 10/31/02 06:00 PM Re: I need help (New member)
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hi Mark,
Mark, I am wanting to be really supportive of you. I can't imagine how you feel about your wife and precious children leaving you for even a little while.

You call yourself an abuser. If I understand you correctly the "abuse" you talk about is a lack of trust that kept you from being completely honest with your wife. That is a far cry from abuse. I think I am touchy about using that word except for real abuse. I don't think, from what you have said, that you are an abuser. I guess that is your call.

It may be good to have the time to work on your problems alone. I hope it is.

Abused Boys etc. is an excellent book. There is another that I really think is great and it is written by our very own president, Richard Gartner, BETRAYED AS BOYS. This book is working miracles of understanding and healing for me.


If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

#16049 - 10/31/02 10:58 PM Re: I need help (New member)
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
check out the link from this site's home page to Amazon, I belive the site gets a cut from sales.

Mike Lewes "Victims No Longer" was my Bible. My copy is stained with coffee, red wine and tears. It's scribbled on, battered from being thrown at the wall but read from most days.

I can't imagine how sad you must feel, but happy birthday all the same.

Remember, you ARE NOT AN ABUSER, and we're supporting you.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#16050 - 11/01/02 03:01 AM Re: I need help (New member)
Mark R Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/14/02
Posts: 29
Loc: Palm Springs, CA
Happy Birthday...What a present you have given yourself...I can't imagine having your family away from you, but I can understand both her point of view and yours in having this time to yourself. Wounded Boys, Heroic Men along with the other books mentioned. Don't be too hard on yourself...this all takes time and effort. It seems you are ready for this if the things your therapist suggests are working for you. I agree that something for your wife to read or someone for her to talk to would probably help.
Keep up the good work and keep coming back. Sharing really does help.

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