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#160522 - 06/07/07 10:02 PM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: OKIE MIKE]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi Brian,

Man, my heart ached for you as I read this. I can't imagine what it has been like for you carrying this memory around in your soul all these years. As the others have said, this was an accident, a terrible accident. You didn't plan it, and certainly didn't mean for it to happen. I think Benji wouldn't want to see you in such pain over it either. I hope you can come to some kind of peace with this, I really do.


#160575 - 06/08/07 02:28 AM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: EGL]
Chain Breaker Offline

Registered: 04/21/07
Posts: 376
Loc: Michigan

I'm so sorry, man! I feel your pain. Just read what Eddie said. I think his response was right on the money.

Take good care of yourself.

Much love,

My name is Joe. I am a survivor and a good man. You can count on me.


"[Insert your name here], I am [Chain Breaker]. Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend?"
--Wind In His Hair, Dances With Wolves

#160589 - 06/08/07 07:42 AM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: Chain Breaker]
pain4ever Offline

Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Okay...Last night was rough.I took my partner...some flowers and sat down at his grave for a while...I partner talked. I was amazed, I thought there would be a jealousy factor and there wasn't. He told me I need to quit torchuring myself over this, it was an accident, just like all of you said. He also said he does not want me to stop loving him...he said you can...Benji helped you through alot and your not betraying him for loving betray Benji if you stop have some sort of love for him. He said, just like Benji's mom, that Benji wouldnt like me not moving on either or beating myself up over this. He thanked me for taking him there and bringing him into "Benji and I's" life. It was kinda wierd it was like I was "introducing" them. It was a rough night but this makes me realize that I have the best partner in the world.

Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

#160591 - 06/08/07 07:52 AM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: pain4ever]
healingpartner Offline

Registered: 04/04/07
Posts: 407

I am so happy for you. You do have a great partner. He wants to share your life...not be kept at a 'safe distance.'

My guess is you will be closer to him now than you ever have been. And I am guessing he loves Benji too...he knows what he saved you from and will be indebted forever to Benji.

Rob had some dear friends who saw him through those times, and they are gone now. I only wish I could have thanked them. And I owe them so much. I love them.

Have a great day and enjoy life. You deserve it.

#160683 - 06/08/07 02:05 PM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: healingpartner]
pain4ever Offline

Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Thanks Lorie...You have been a great help. Yes, i working on the distance thing!!!

And thank you everyone for your kind words....year 14 over...we will see what happens next year.

Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

#160756 - 06/08/07 08:47 PM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: OKIE MIKE]
indygal Offline

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
i, too, lost a true love in a horrible accident - but not as bad as yours, that is, i didn't see him die. unfortunately he was revived at the scene w/cpr but then he had irreversible brain injury which left him in a coma for years before he finally died.

the thing is, just before the accident i had sent him a letter saying i didn't think things would work out between us ever - in effect, calling it off - when i didn't hear from him i called at work and a friend told me what had happened (i lived out of state at the time, going to college) -

for years i blamed myself, thinking maybe he had tried to kill himself because it was a motorcycle accident and he had hit the one concrete pole in a long stretch of just open fields, it was very suspicious.

virtually every relationship afterwards i always brought him up saying he was my only real love - and the tears i cried!!

over time, i always felt his presence, guiding me, watching over me, similar to my dead mother

Brian, we never ever really get over someone's death who meant a lot to us - we just have to progress to a place where we can accept their love inside of us, give it a permanent place, and remember what we cared and loved together.

no matter what responsibility you had that night - and clearly you owe up to the fact you did have a role to play - what's done is done and you have certainly suffered enough punishment already. even his mother forgives you - no small feat i might add.

grieve as you must but there's a time for grieving to end, to live on, as life IS truly for the living.

i agree that you must honor his life and the love you both shared -

btw, it wasn't until i met my current bf, the survivor, that i finally realized love does come around a second time, and that perhaps is why i've taken extra care for this one.

live your life with honor and courage, for you have truly loved, some folks live a life never knowing what you have known. it is special, feel it and know it every day of your life.

all the best,

my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

#161260 - 06/12/07 08:11 AM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: indygal]
pain4ever Offline

Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032

I am sos one should have to deal witht hat weight...ya know. Like I said before...this has been harder to get over than my abuse. I think its simply because until last year I had not dealt with it in any way.

I understand about the second love...I never thought it would happen but when I realized my feeling for my current partner were starting to surpass Benji is when I really started to have problems. However...I have to was puppy young and what I have now is real and true love. I am not saying Benji and I didnt have true love but we never got to find that out or explore it. I think thats what bugs me the most.

Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

#161354 - 06/12/07 03:43 PM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. *DELETED* [Re: OKIE MIKE]
krayoss Offline

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 112
Loc: west
Post deleted by krayoss

#161672 - 06/15/07 12:44 AM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: krayoss]
Hauser Offline

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2963
Loc: United States
Brian? I hope you believe that he has forgiven you for your mistake and that he loves you more now than he did in this life. He was a statistic Brian. Car accidents happen. I'm just sorry that it HAPPENED TO YOU because he was someone that could have helped you heal sooner in your life.

When I was 16, I was late while returning my Dad's car, I almost killed myself and 3 other passengers (we were all 15/16 at the time). I was speeding (70 in a 55) and there were some icy patches in the road. A car pulled out in front of me going the same direction. I had no choice, either rear-end the dumbass that pulled out in front of me at high speed or force the car in the oncoming lane off the road, I took a split-second gamble and chose the latter. The oncoming car, my car, and the car I passed, ALL THREE OF US intersected at the same time on that same spot on the road, with nary inches of space in between us as we closed in at a relative speed of 130mph or so.

The point is, I deserved to lose my friends and myself every bit as much as what happened to Benji. We were both inexperienced drivers at the time. Sometimes I wonder why God let us live.

I can only imagine how maturing (for lack of a better word) it must have been to have experienced the death of a truly loved friend at that age. But you're alive and Benji wants you to LIVE ok?

#161695 - 06/15/07 08:15 AM Re: I killed him today...the root of my name here. [Re: Hauser]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
brian ,i just saw this just wanted you to know that sombody here knows how you feel; i killed my brother when he was 14 yeah they called it an accident ,but that dont help does it? sorry you have to know this pain too adam

its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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