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#160342 - 06/07/07 05:51 AM dead inside
Smilensammy Offline
New Here

Registered: 05/18/07
Posts: 8
Loc: Iowa
Hi Folks,
Since I've been back reading again looking for ? I don't know what... I can only say I have never felt so dead inside as I have been these past few months. Everything feels as if it is just a sham.
Hubby goes to work, comes home with nothing to say unless it is some stupid comment about what is on the TV.
He saw his T a couple weeks ago and decided to inform me that he has no "passion" for me anymore. Yet in that same coversation he told me he does not want to divorce me or split because he does not want to look like an asshole to his coworkers and friends. I also was told in a subtle way that he does not want to lose contact or respect of the daughters. He knows he runs a high risk of losing contact with them because they are not his biologically.
He decided to share this info with me the day one of my Drs told me he would be fine with taking me off all of my meds & just keeping me on my pain meds, giving me 6 months to live after that. Hell of a choice I have to make eh? Hubby just doesnt care to even talk about it.. unless its how much I "cost". He made sure to inform me that his boss told him my coma & last hospital stay costs more than the entire company paid in for one year... and I am supposed to have impact or control over that how?
I suggested that we divorce but I was concerned about what an attorney had told him that he would be responsible for my medical debt & covering insur on me even if we did divorce. I told him if we split I dont want any reason for us to have any connection. He then told me he had spoken later to yet a different attny who informed him that info was not true - he can divorce me and walk away without any obligations.
His T apparently advised him to divorce me, but he hasn't made up his mind yet.
At this point you're probably asking "Why" haven't I left him -- me too. The only answer I can seem to come up with repeatedly is that for so long I gave of myself and I left the 1st time, came back to his half assed promises to heal us and I feel that IF he wants to split but is only staying hoping 1) I die first 2) I'll leave & he wont look like "the bad guy".
I've put so much into this relationship and now that he is in T it's as if he has the perfect opportunity to call me out on shit that is 20 yrs old (who can make up for that much stuff if you didnt know about it?) and I don't get the opportunity with a T to explain my side or even defend myself ...
He admitted to me that he only tells his T the bad shit I say to him, none of the rotten shit he says to me that egged on my rotten respones. I can only take so much before I snap, like anyone.
So I've curled myself into this ball trying to keep myself out of his way... to the point of insisting he go back to the gym & work out 5 nights... I know he hates coming home & seeing my face still here & alive.
He shows no affection unless someone else is around, but still gives me the perfunctory kiss goodbye when he leaves. I offer my forehead... There has been no sexual intimacy for over a year & the last time it was all of 15 min. of him getting off... I felt like I was just a whore he paid for. I geuss in some way I am a whore paid to make him look good for the rest of the world.
He used to come home & yak it up about his job, now I have to even ask how his day was... he used to call me during the day to make sure I was ok... he has stopped that now & tells me he was so busy he just didn't get time -- yet he will go shopping for crap for himself during his time off.
He told me also he wont even take me to the grocery store anymore because pushing me in the wheelchair & having me choose what I want to eat "takes too much time".
It seems as if ever since I worked on controlling my anger & not responding to the button pushing he does everything in his power to push my buttons -- but I just ignore him and now am mirroring his behavior of the 1st 15 -16 yrs of our marriage with "I don't knows", "I forgot" , and of course - I just dont feel good.
I want for him to make the decision & tell me HE wants me to leave. I feel I did everything in my power for so many years to make his life easier & to be more successful that he owes me that little bit of honesty. Just telling me he has no passion for me anymore is not going to send me out into the world of living on disability & in dangerous housing again.
He holds the grandson as if he is his own -- but I cuttingly said "ya know if you decide to leave me, the girls will think of you as they think of their own dad -- no respect and that baby you are holding you won't have any reason to claim him as your grandson."
I saw the realization in his eyes, but he said nothing -- he behaves as a perfect gentleman if we are in the company of others... wanting to steady me by holding my elbow, but behind closed doors berates me of my physical pain that does not allow me to be able to even do 2 loads of laundry, let alone do up dishes from a huge meal he makes.
Am I just being too stubborn with wanting him to voice what he wants -- he never has before but has found his voice to criticize me now... Or should I just come out swinging kick his ass to the curb and go it alone in public housing.
I know I could get help from various agencies for meds & rides to & from Drs... I am so angry that I cant even be angry
I don't have the energy to be angry, and no energy to fight for my life anymore either.
He also has been so strange with the double messages of being so worried about me driving 1 hr to see Drs, yet he keeps planning these mini vacations for me where I would be driving for 5 up to 24 hours by myself?? He was really pushing for me to meet with a gal from my heart support group... really pushing and wanting to know what dates... planning for me to be gone when his work party is planned (i wouldnt be there then to embarrass him)-
His boss teasingly told me that if her husband saw how short my hair is now he would call me a "dyke"... Ok so that pissed me off but I just laffed it away saying well, my maiden name was VAN DYKE.... But no one understands how much it hurt me too to have my daughter shave my hair off that was so long it was past my butt... they left me unkempt in the coma & my hair matted something horrible, it actually hurt to cut my hair off. Part of it I did out of spite because it took an act of God to get him to help bathe me with that much hair... now I dont need him to bathe anymore -- but he was pissed.
So, all day long I sit in this stupid apartment with nothing but the TV and my pills. I wonder at times if I should finish what the Dr started... but even that would give Hubby too easy of an out.
I'd rather he have to come home to me, cook & do the laundry everyday until I definetly am dead or I have to hospice -- torturing him ... he has become Someone I knew was inside of him to everyone but me?
I don't understand why I am the bad guy now? He reminds me of how much I cost him -- yet doesnt say thank you for being such a big tax deduction at the end of the year either.
No thank you for signing over every piece of property we worked for together , or how he uses my financial skills to build up his empire....
I always knew that much of his acting out sexually was directed AT me, now his with holding of sex love & affection really proves it. He is such a jekyll & Hyde... One night belated he told me the boss was having a party, wanted me to come even tho he had just told me he had no passion or desire for me... I told him no, go find someone you can spend the rest of your life with. He spent the night there pretending to them he was drunker than he was because he knew I didn't want him near me.
Mostly I wish I could get him to hit me, say the hateful things that are always on the edge of his tongue and beat the shit out of me, ... that I could deal with and heal from, this silent abuse is so much worse.
Neglecting me now I know he wont keep his end of the promise that when I get to end stage of my disease to help me go out peacefully... his behavior shows me that he will stick me in some facility and maybe come see me on an occassional Sunday.
It's an awful feeling to know one means nothing to someone you loved for so long and gave so much of ones life to.

I've even thought of starting a big fight by calling him a pedophile to his face at times... just to see if THAT would get a reaction of genuine emotion out of him... but I doubt it...

I feel like I have died already inside and am just waiting for my body to die now, sadly it wont


#160344 - 06/07/07 09:16 AM Re: dead inside [Re: Smilensammy]
sweet-n-sour Offline

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Sammy:

None of us should ever allow anyone else to define our happiness. If your man happens to be the biggest fool in the world, he must live with his own reflection. I understand your depression, after all you have so very much aparently to cope with.
We all have a responsibiilty to ourselves to find joy in the everyday. I realize you are ill, that all life seems to offer is pills, a wheelchair and television...but that is just all in your state of mind at the moment.
Each and every one of us has a unique spirit within, something that no one else can ever steal away. If the men in our lives are so miserable within themselves to behave in such a heartless way, I truly pity them for they missed out on one of the biggest gifts life has to offer, love. I assure you there is no joy in misery and from what you described above your man is miserable, trapped in his own jail of ignorance.
You are obviously a strong person and have many life experiences to share. Why not share some of this with others that may benefit from this? Use the web to offer support/gain insight. It is just a thought.
From your post above you seem so alone, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I am here, there are many others here who care!
Please keep your chin up and please do not allow anyone to ever tarnish your spirit within. Giving love to those who had no use for that love will never remove the joy any of us found in offering it. Remember that, okay?
Best wishes,

"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

#160346 - 06/07/07 09:27 AM Re: dead inside [Re: Smilensammy]
soapy bubbles Offline

Registered: 09/05/06
Posts: 332
Loc: london
Oh Sammy, what a dreadful situation you are in. Your failing health would be enough for anyone to cope with, let alone a relationship which seems to be going in an ever declining circle.

Can I ask, do you have family or friends near to you? You say that you are stuck at home with the TV because your mobility is limited, but you don't mention whether you have any kind of support network which isn't based around the 'official' stuff like healthworkers etc.

If I can be brutally honest, it seems to me that what your husband does, says, thinks ....... really doesn't matter at all. He's behaving in a disgraceful manner so I don't think you should take his feelings into consideration at all. It's nothing to do with his CSA .... how he's behaving is unacceptable, selfish and hurtful.

You have a limited life expectancy and I reckon you should do whatever you want, whatever makes you happy/content/pleased/stimulated/interested etc ...... YOU are the important one in this situation.

Social housing and benefits are not ideal, especially in an unsafe area. Is there any alternative at all? I don't know anything about welfare entitlements in the US.

I guess my final comment Sammy, is PLEASE don't live out your last months in bitterness. I can understand how angry you are and how you so very much want to make your husband behave in a better way, but starting a battle with him or trying to force him into arguements or to behave in a way he refuses to do, means that you'll remain in this bitter spiral. Sod him and sod what he wants. Choose what freedom you have and make choices for yourself; put yourself first.

SB x

"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.” --- Eleanor Roosevelt

#160347 - 06/07/07 09:48 AM Re: dead inside [Re: soapy bubbles]
indygal Offline

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439

i can't begin to imagine what you must be going thru - it sounds like your hubby is already living the 'abandonment' fear he has - that is - he knows you are dying and he can't deal with it, doesn't have the life skills, unfortunately, and is making a big mess of it all.

i'd like to think if this was me - and i have had to face death a couple of times already actually but made it thru - i would start calling hospices and find one that you might be able to check into, just remove yourself from the situation you are in now.

at the very least, you could arrange for a hospice volunteer to come and visit you at your home - i know this is possible, assuming you aren't too far isolated in a rural area.

what's happened already has happened. you can't change it and you can't make it better before your time comes. you really need to prepare yourself for the inevitable, hon, i'm so sorry to say this.

i really hope you will look into hospice care - they can also provide counseling for your husband to help him deal with what's coming, maybe strike down some of his negativity and hurtfulness, but mostly this is to help you, ok?

something i learned a long time ago - one earns the right to die, that it is an honor and a privilege to leave this world and go to the next. for some it is sooner than others and sometimes we have no answer as to why - only that it just is the way it is.

all the best,

my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

#160562 - 06/08/07 04:35 AM Re: dead inside [Re: indygal]
stride Offline

Registered: 03/07/03
Posts: 202
Loc: B.C. Canada
Dear Sammy,

I wrote a big, long reply to your post earlier today and somehow managed to lose it all just as I was preparing to post it. (ARRRGGGHHH!) So, instead of trying to do it all again tonight, and at the risk of sounding trite, naive, patronizing, or similar, I will say this:

You are ALIVE. As Dr. Bernie Siegel says ("Love, Medicine and Miracles"), there are only a very few moments wherein a person is actually dying. So, while you are still alive, what would bring you the most comfort, peace, happiness, and sense of fulfillment right now, today, and how might you best facilitate that for yourself?

IMO, your husband is behaving like an self-centered, callous and cowardly prick. He is clearly not dealing with the situation well, for whatever reason, and yeh, it's gotta be just BRUTAL to realize that you've given so much of yourself, and for so long, to someone who seems indifferent at best, just when you need him the most. I still feel deeply humiliated, wounded and really quite astonished in trying to come to terms with similar realities WRT my now ex, B, so I can only try to imagine how you must be feeling in your situation and after 20+ years with this man. My heart goes out to you, HUGE!

Still, you are still alive and surely each day provides an opportunity for you to seek acceptance, peace, and gratitude for the things that you have been/are blessed with in your opportunity to make the most of what time you have left, in whatever way is most meaningful FOR YOU? Are you close with your children? Do they live nearby and are they able to offer you company, comfort and support? Have you met with the hospice people in your area and found anyone there whose company you enjoy?

Again, I probably sound like a completely naive and patronizing asshole here, and I'm sorry if I do. I realize that it's easy for me to sit here and deliver pat little platitudes, though that's not at all my intent. Nor do I wish to minimize or negate the very real affronts, pragmatic concerns and profound psycho-emotional hurts that you're clearly being faced with now. Really, I'm only hoping that you will be able to see and find love, refuge and even joy in those in your life who are capable of offering/sharing it with you.

As for being "the bad guy," that's his stuff. Not yours. Let him wear it. The man is behaving cruelly, deplorably, despicably. You can't undo the past...what can you do to live and make the most of the life you have right now?

No doubt this is coming out all wrong, but please know that I mean well...I really, really do.

Big, big hugs,
With respect,


In the right formation,
the lifting power of many wings can
achieve twice the distance of any bird flying alone.

#160744 - 06/09/07 12:04 AM Re: dead inside [Re: stride]
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA

I agree with what the ladies are saying above. Because you will die is no reason for him to act like the only thing left for you to do is die. What a bunch of horseshit that denies the beauty of your life.

Do your daughters know what an asshole he is being? Or are they keeping quiet because they think this is what YOU want, to be with him?

I remember that in the past he was very clean and took on a lot of domestic responsibilities himself, has that changed?

#160782 - 06/09/07 02:22 AM Re: dead inside [Re: SAR]
Smilensammy Offline
New Here

Registered: 05/18/07
Posts: 8
Loc: Iowa
I only have a few minute before he comes home but wanted to let you know I took a run away day yesterday and spent the day gambling & not thinking of him or anything in reality. It was a nice break.
I didn't even bother to wake him when I came in at 1:30 AM after leaving early AM... he woke up & proceeded to be "so worried".
I do have my girls, but both have their own issues with me. My youngest is newly married with a new baby who is hell on wheels & is struggling to get her own photo shop off the ground , her hubby is a good son in law who is a tattoo artist & they ended up suddenly with the opportunity to buy the shop he was working in -- they took that opportunity & together they are being good parents & doing well with new businesses. We helped them some financially in the begininning but they have paid that back & are renting our house from us with a room mate Sissy had thru college & was one of my acquired kiddoes all thru her school yrs.
My oldest pretends as if nothing is wrong with me & lives several hours away and has since she left for college those so many yrs ago. She is still with her same BF of 5 yrs. She was just back this past wkend for a family visit with her bio dad's family side... both the girls are upset at their bio dad for being an active drunk again & neither will talk to him when he calls them shitfaced. They have a good relationship with their step mom. Step mom & I have a good relationship now.. sorry its happened after she & my ex divorced... we've become comrades to raise our young women. She looks to me for strength, and advice and I share what I can.
The girls Boomer & Sissy both very much love Hubby & he really is the only dad they have ever known since we got together when they were but 3 & 4 yrs old. Neither girl wants to hear anything about how we are or aren't getting along. My son in law tho has been a real champ and stepped up to the plate to defend me when I am so down. He 1st appeared to me to be a scarey person with so many tattoos & peircings, but proved himself to be so passionate & loving... a real man inside of a young mans body. He is not afraid to show his emotions nor to stand up for Sissy and love beyond what I have ever seen of any young man.. tho we know politics is a hot topic between us, we just dont "go there"... But in All I couldnt ask for better of a son in law.
I did corner my Boomers' long term BF this past wkend of WHEN he was going to step up to the plate & finally marry Boomer -- his answer was to tell me his parents didnt marry until they were in their 30's. I told him of Boomer's Gparents not marrying until they were in their 30's.. but having babies was going to be tough with our medical history.... we left it at that, with me telling him not to wait too long as some man may come sweep her away when he was not looking.
When I have Dr appts or have ever had a medical procedure Sissy has been glued to me. In fact this last hospital stay I apparently had slipped into the coma & slept for a couple days, she apparently would walk me to the bathroom to potty me -- When she saw me break into a sweat in my sleep she knew it was a sign of a heart attack & called the Drs & EMTS... She had called Hubby asking several times what to do... he said he didnt really know what to do.. but finally said "If you're uncomfortable call the EMTS"... He waited 2 days to come to the hospital to come down & stay with me after I was just coming out of ICU... the pressure on Sissy & son in law has been tremedous with caring for me & a 1.5 yr old...
I have talked some with son in law about moving to housing near them as that city is where my friends are & I feel more valuable. Once Hubby got me to this city... I know no one, & even am having a problem with finding any Drs who can care for my complicated mixture of health problems.
With regards to the Drs I feel "thrown away" -- just as my own birth parents did with us kids when we were so tiny and defenseless. Only to place us all into the fire from the frying pan each of us being physically and sexually abused. In the past year I have lost so many friends to death I can't even count anymore... I clip out their Obits and collect them.. and wonder IF anyone will put in my Obit how much I loved life, turned a shitty beginning into a positive and made a difference in this world.
I'm crying now... and have to cut this off... your words from each of you touch the part of me I keep hidden... and I need to get mysel put back in shape before he comes back... more later.

I Love you All,

I used to be "Wifey1" , I'm back again and am grateful for yet another day.

#160887 - 06/09/07 10:20 PM Re: dead inside [Re: Smilensammy]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

I will just say that none of us really knows how much life we have left, and even if it's only a day it still has value. This is something that can't be measured or assessed in dollars and cents and there's no reason in the world why you should accept an attitude that sees things this way.

I'll just say that I hope you will find the strength to assert yourself and claim the value and dignity that is yours, for however long. No one can take this right away from you; the only way you can lose it is to abandon it.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)


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