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#16033 - 10/27/02 02:13 AM I need help (New member)
mTm Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/26/02
Posts: 14
Loc: Dallas Texas
I need your help and advice. I just found out (?) Thursday that my father sexually abused me 35 years ago and I'm soooo scared of what will happen next. This memory came up when she said she was leaving and didn't want this relationship of 5 years anymore.

I am in my third failing marriage, failing due to a lack of trust, intimacy, control, faith, and other issues I'm not familiar with.

I received therapy before this marriage. Therapy concerning depression, anxiety, and panic attacks caused by a failing relationship and a job that had a number of stressors; the same stressors that caused me to crater last Thursday. I am scheduled to speak to my counselor Monday, but it's Saturday and I'm not sure if I can make it until then.

My wife just left to go out to a party and I freaked out. That's not normal. I called the person she was going with and they weren't home. I called my wife back and she went ballistic. I can't help feeling that I can't trust her, although she's never done anything to
make me not trust her.

I'm such a loser she says. I want to fix everything I've done to her, but she won't let me.
God I'm so scared I'll lose her (even though I drove her away). What do I do? You can email me or post here. Thanks I'll be waiting.

#16034 - 10/27/02 02:24 AM Re: I need help (New member)
New to this Offline

Registered: 09/16/02
Posts: 138
Loc: Mississippi

Take a deep breath.

Your troubles sound familiar.

I'm listening.

"Knowledge itself is power" Francis Bacon

#16035 - 10/27/02 03:58 AM Re: I need help (New member)
Wuamei Offline

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...

Hang in here buddy you're in a good place!

Your marriage sounds a lot like my first marriage, and becuz of the same kinds of issues of trust, intimacy, etc. I've been married to a wonderful woman over 22 years and have two terrific grown daughters, but I still struggle with these issues, tho things are getting a lot better lately. There's always hope.

My first abuse flashback, believe it or not, came about 35 years after it happened. It was a little over a year ago now, following a therapy session. I was raped by a gay couple my mother sold me to when I was around ten; I'm 46 now.

Since then flashbacks have confirmed my body & feeling memories: my mother incested me thruout my childhood, including with my father at least once when I was no more than three, becuz after that he was gone for good. And good riddance!

But my mother was still there, and she still is. But she lives thousands of miles away. I have no contact with her and I've dealt with her in therapy.

My first wife used to do that kind of thing to me all the time. She was flirty, and I was overly jealous & possessive. Bad combo. Twice she went to live with other men she was seeing, the second time she didn't come back, and ended up marrying him. Good for me.

But at the time I still wanted her back. It was a sick relationship. We were both sexually & relationally dysfunctional. Thankfully it was very brief, no children.

I don't know if you could fix things if your wife wanted you to. I do know that for me, if I don't take care of myself, I'm not much good for anyone else. Part of taking care of myself is standing up for myself, loving & believing in myself.

mTm, you are no loser; you are a survivor!

Take good care of you


"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

#16036 - 10/27/02 05:39 AM Re: I need help (New member)
mTm Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/26/02
Posts: 14
Loc: Dallas Texas
Thanks guys,it's going to be a long night, but there will be a tomorrow. Sorry I sound bummed out, but these feelings.............

I think I've found a safe place.

I've never posted, never even knew this place existed until yesterday.

I guess the main thing is I'm not really alone. I've read some of the posts and I see some of the same things that have happened to me being resolved.

Having these two issues; the failing marriage and the sexual abuse and having to deal with them at the same time are, or seem, overwhelming, but I feel good about being able to share them. I may not be able to fix the marriage, but I know I can fix myself.

Thanks again,

#16037 - 10/27/02 07:41 AM Re: I need help (New member)
Huck Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/20/02
Posts: 17
Loc: south carolina
Good luck, Mark.

You are right. You are not alone.

We're here for you.

Let us know what we can do.


#16038 - 10/27/02 10:18 AM Re: I need help (New member)
ernie Offline

Registered: 08/26/02
Posts: 121
Loc: Portland, Maine
Mark, you are definitely not alone. It took me 40 years to recognize my abuse and what it had done to me. My wife threw me out when I started acting out, watching gay porn etc. We are working on things. She is a wonderful woman, I love her alot. We are in councilling and hopefully it will all work out. Stay strong, you are among the strongest men I have ever known. The advise comes from the heart.

The roads of life are full of stones but, they can be moved take my hand we will help each other.

#16039 - 10/27/02 02:31 PM Re: I need help (New member)
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Welcome to our support system, a good bunch of guys who understand what's going on.

I'm glad you've read some of the old posts and discovered you aren't alone, and that you relate to how many of us think and act.

But you're story is just as important and individual as all the others. And sharing it lifts a great weight off our shoulders.

Be strong.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#16040 - 10/28/02 03:06 AM Re: I need help (New member)
orodo Offline

Registered: 03/15/02
Posts: 735
Loc: Imladris, The Safe Haven of Ar...
I am married 13 years, 3 boys, survivor of clergy abuse and other abuse. My relationship with my wife goes up and down, so I can relate. You are not alone, rest assured of that. Some days she's supportive, other days less than supportive. I keep reminding myself (and her too) for better or worse, in sickness and in health, richer or poorer.

It is better to be Dragon Master than Dragon Slayer. Some Dragons are meant to be mastered, others meant to be slain. Odin, Great Spirit, God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference. "May the Valar guide and bless you on your path under the sky"

#16041 - 10/28/02 04:16 AM Re: I need help (New member)
Ken Followell Offline
Past President

Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 992
Loc: Bradenton, FL

Welcome here and be sure to come by the chat room. I am married 22 years and it is up and down, but marriages can survive this. I just remembered my abuse a few years ago. Feel feel to email me or post here.


Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
� Rabbi Hillel

#16042 - 10/29/02 05:07 AM Re: I need help (New member)
mTm Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/26/02
Posts: 14
Loc: Dallas Texas
Hey guys, thanks for the postings. I know all is not lost. The abuse (do you refer to it as SA?)happened and it's not my fault. I now see this. What I just realized (after my first therapy session today) is that now my wife is a victim because I did'nt (couldn't)(wouldn't) trust her. She's feeling some of the same things about me as I now feel about my abuser. I know in my heart I can forgive, I just hope she can.

Hauling ass down the road to recovery!! I hope there are few obstacles, no speed limits, and good drivers on the same road with me.

Thanks again.

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