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#164756 - 07/04/07 07:29 PM Re: Advice needed regarding intimacy issues [Re: A C]
Lazarus Offline

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Hey guys,

All of this rings true for me as well. I don't have a problem getting an erection when I MB, or most of the time when I was cruising stangers for sex. But in an intimate relationship, as soon as I begin to doubt my partner's feelings for me, or my insecurity gets the best of me, I may as well forget about sex. Same thing happens when I've been thinking about my CSA (triggers of any sort). I've tried the Viagra route, but even that doesn't always work.

Another thing that will cause me to lose an erection faster than you can believe is if my partner should say, "I just want to satisfy you, make you feel good." I don't know for sure, but I suspect this might have been the kind of thing one or more of my abusers might have said.

In any case, this particular aspect of my life is probably the most troubling of all my psychosis. It doesn't help my self esteem or my partner's, it clouds communications (see "How do I let the people in my life know it's not them" in the Gay Survivors' Forum) and it's frustrating as hell.

This isn't much help, I know, other than comiseration. I'll be watching this discussion though.

Lazarus (Yes, truly brought back from the dead, just not often enough... LOL)

"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

#403484 - 07/13/12 01:22 PM Re: Advice needed regarding intimacy issues [Re: kavekdoriah]
wineguy Offline

Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 1
Loc: NJ
Hello Everyone,

New here... first post.... and reading all this has shed some light on my own issues.... which make sense for my abuse and loss issues.
Sex to me was always SEX..... all my life..of 59 years.
I was abused as a young boy by a priest that my mother loved... and we all trusted.... being young, was totally confused as to WHAT was happening here!
Here is GOD.... as I practiced saying the mass in Latin.... doing wierd things to me....that I couldn't understand. In those days... no one believed that this actually went on... so I remained silent... and avoided him the best I could.
On my paper route.... I was raped by a woman of my mother's age regularly....
She would pay me in her lingerie... and got more intense weekly. As a young boy... I thought how cool to be having sex with a woman like my mom... but even more as she was "sexy"..... this turned very wierd and got very ugly... and made me VERY shameful ....

At 17... I worked in a pet shop... loved the job.... but my boss was gay. At this age... I thought I was ok and could deal with of his gay friends liked me and gave me this very expensive watch which my mom made me she knew something was up here and not good.

I would hang out at "ED's" house as it was cool.. bar... cars. boat.... and never was approached by he or his friend sexually .... so I handled it ok...
UNTIL.... one night.... they gave me LOTS of alcohol... something I never did.. and I passed out. When I came to..... OMG.... they were molesting me!!!

I jumped up..... got in my car and drove home as fast as I could. I quit the job and never told anyone.....nor have I told anyone to this day until now....

I never realized the impact on my from all this abuse and keep it deeply hidden.... but the woman that raped me had taught me that sex was dirty.... and was meant for HER.... she taught me about pleasing HER... how to.... and how it was supposed to be.

Sex was always.... sex.... pleasing a woman... and nothing for me....
I could actually shut of my brain and just concentrate on her... so sex wasa scarey place.... but I felt... necessary for a marriage.

I've never cheated... ever.... had no desire. But as my marriage of 26 years progressed... we had several other "bumps"... we lost three children...caused my wife to really go downhill.... and found out she was screwing a local scumbag... in my bed for eight years!!!

I divorced her...after a long..... awful process... ended in the hospital... and somehow survived....and remarried.... to a very loving, but challenged woman with 2 children... it has been a battle.... two men(each child)... very damaging one that constantly attacks me... the other died..

HER abuse makes her needy and want to feel loved and desired.... which is where I find tough..... as my stuff makes me not want to go is good for her..... not me.... so sometimes I just run.... then her need for feeling loved and desired is squashed.... and ends up ugly...

I finally BROKE...... just recently... hit rock bottom.. and am getting help.... hope to heal. This will be a process.... don't know if my current marriage can handle it as she says she can, but really puts up the walls when I fall down again....
Reading that I am not alone really helps me.... and just coming out and "talking" about it..... is like a giant weight.... coming off me...

There is hope.... and will take some time....


Edited by wineguy (07/16/12 11:32 AM)

#403486 - 07/13/12 01:49 PM Re: Advice needed regarding intimacy issues [Re: wineguy]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3869
Loc: South-East Europe
Welcome to Male survivor M!
You made so good intro that I've been speechless. I'm sorry that you have to be here and that you are struggling with scars left from past.
Please take your time and explore this site. It offers a lot of different tools for us survivors.
I hope you'll find way to connect to brothers here. Keep sharing with us!

My story

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