I find myself in a peculiar situation.
When I was a very young boy, a urologist diagnosed me with phimosis and recommended that I be circumcised. I remember a number of incidents surrounding this event, such as a little bit before, but most of my memories involve the post-op and the after-effects.
But that is not the memory I refer to.
The memory I refer to is of a man I identify as the surgeon who operated on me. The memory is of him, grinning, almost laughing, as he plays with me.
I've had this memory for years, and though the other memories come to mind as concrete, this memory is separated somehow.
A million questions come to mind. Did this actually happen? Was I hallucinating due to the anesthesia? Why would I remember this man doing that thing?
I grew up in a emotionally abusive household as well, so abuse at the hands of a stranger is not necessary to explain the troubles I have as an adult, but I most certainly have sexual issues, some physical, some emotional.
I know I am attracted to women, but when I get close to them, I just sort of shut down unless I'm lucky. I've wondered if I am attracted to men, but I get kind of turned off at involving myself in the whole thing.
I just don't know what this memory is. Why do I have it? If it means the worst it could possibly mean, what do I do about it?