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#159930 - 06/05/07 04:12 AM Remember Abuse But Don't Know If It Happened
ancientmemory Offline
New Here

Registered: 06/05/07
Posts: 1
I find myself in a peculiar situation.

When I was a very young boy, a urologist diagnosed me with phimosis and recommended that I be circumcised. I remember a number of incidents surrounding this event, such as a little bit before, but most of my memories involve the post-op and the after-effects.

But that is not the memory I refer to.

The memory I refer to is of a man I identify as the surgeon who operated on me. The memory is of him, grinning, almost laughing, as he plays with me.

I've had this memory for years, and though the other memories come to mind as concrete, this memory is separated somehow.

A million questions come to mind. Did this actually happen? Was I hallucinating due to the anesthesia? Why would I remember this man doing that thing?

I grew up in a emotionally abusive household as well, so abuse at the hands of a stranger is not necessary to explain the troubles I have as an adult, but I most certainly have sexual issues, some physical, some emotional.

I know I am attracted to women, but when I get close to them, I just sort of shut down unless I'm lucky. I've wondered if I am attracted to men, but I get kind of turned off at involving myself in the whole thing.

I just don't know what this memory is. Why do I have it? If it means the worst it could possibly mean, what do I do about it?

#159972 - 06/05/07 12:45 PM Re: Remember Abuse But Don't Know If It Happened [Re: ancientmemory]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

This is a tough one. You wouldn't have been sunk very deep for a circumcision, so maybe your memory is a real one. But that operation is very quick and routine, so maybe the laugh didn't mean anything sinister.

The real problem here is that this issue troubles you. That alone is enough to make it important. My first thought is that you should see a T about this and see what emerges from therapy. A good therapist will also help you to see how this memory connects with the other unpleasant memories you have from childhood.

The T will also help you address your issues of sexual confusion. Please don't blame yourself for your issues in this area. It happens to many of us and for so many reasons.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)


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