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#159192 - 05/31/07 05:56 AM Needing advice on situation, maybe is triggers
VN Offline

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
I have an issue, I tried to bring it out in chat room, and I think perhaps did not present it best I can. I wanted to try to present it here, to get feedback, to see if it is just that I am seeing this not rightly because of my history of 'mother issues'.

I feel almost as I am being 'groomed' by someone. This person is part of other support group I am in (online, I have never meet any of them). I have been member of that group for almost 7 months now, and I have shared some of my past there. So this person is aware of the sexual abuse by my mother.

This woman is about my mother's age, and she is attractive for older lady (there is picture of her and her son in her messenger, just as I have picture of my daughter in mine). She is someone who was very welcoming to me as I join there, it is group rather as this, with postings, and as new person there, I was rather not comfortable. So I become friends of her.

Now, I am not sure of it. She send many emails, that are 'cute' things, that she send to many in the group. But then there is also ones she send direct to me, that are more like, 'romantic' of nature, and always ends with 'love you'. I do not respond back, but they come anyway. She also will go to other people who are 'friends' of me on 'Myspace', and read of what comments we make back and forth to each other, and of what happens in their life. She ask me about any lady friends I have on there, ask if 'oh, is that your sister' or 'oh, have you dated (persons name)'. I think lot of time, she read what is posted on my friends blogs and such before even I have.

When I have talk with her on messenger, or have email with her, she is always telling me of such 'drama' things in her life. People trying to kill her, her family trying to steal from her, men mistreating her, all these such things, I am not sure even to believe them all? But it seem as there is always some such thing, like to get my attention to her, to try to make me act as I am protecter of her? When I try to give to her some advices for safety, she tell me I am her 'best friend' and she love me. She will also tell to me of other members of the group who are 'against' her, like she is trying to make me think different of other good people there. And lot of time, she will speak things that trigger me, ask of me very personal things, and then will say 'I am not meaning that sexual, you know, don't read into what I say'. But she say it so much, it seem as that she is, and is just like, extra 'defensive' of what she say.

I do not knwo that I am 'reading' into things what is not right, but it seem often as she is not appropriate with me. And it feel, even if it is not her doing wrong, it feel that my boundaries are not respected, and I have hard time to say 'don't say that' or such, because it feel like I am dealing with mine own mother. I try to not contact so much with this person, I do not messenger with her, and only will answer to one email out of the 8 or 10 maybe she send in a day, just saying something as 'thank you to think of me'. I know this person is someone who lose her son, and I know the pain of such loss, and do not want to be cruel. I think perhaps she is someone quite lonely. But it is triggering to me very much, where I am even wishing to leave the group, and it is been a good group for me, and is helping me.

Please, who can, give advice, if I am seeing the situation right or not, because I know I maybe do not see it 'objectively'. And if she is being not appropriate, how can I protect my boundaries without being cruel or causing hurt with her?

Thank you, anyone who can help.


#159199 - 05/31/07 08:03 AM Re: Needing advice on situation, maybe is triggers [Re: VN]
Muldoon Offline

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN

She is someone you don't need in your life right now. She has walked all over your boundaries and have acted in a manner that could be seen as grooming. I would maybe talk to some of those good people she puts down an see what they have to say about her.

She is way too being contorling of you with all the Emails and her reading the blogs.
Do you know how her son died? I like you should block her E mails and write her a final Email telling her why you must not have anything to do with her.


Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

#159204 - 05/31/07 10:22 AM Re: Needing advice on situation, maybe is triggers [Re: VN]
Morning Star Offline

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home

I think your intuition is guiding you very well here that she is trouble, the only problem now is your inability to say no, and form boundaries, especially with women who 'appear' friendly, it is a mask I tell you, and that is why you are getting triggered about grooming, trust you instincts here and walk out.

I had to learn that the hard way.

Some people have so much going in their lives that they get so overwhelmed by it, that they rather focus on someone else's life, and pry in their live or offer unsolicited advices, personally they don't want to heal, and would latch on you by saying things like, you are the only friend they have etc...really a emotional that you would always continue to indulge in them, and they keep sapping energy from you, each time you interact with them.

There is no easy way to deal with such people, as they will always manipulate you enough so that you allow them in again and again. They would make you feel like their 'saviour', while themselves remaining eternal victims, always in crisis, steer clear of such people.

This is just life’s way of offering you another chance to learn to create boundaries. To learn to say no and stop, without fearing that won't be 'pleasing' to others any more or be rejected by them for standing up for your feelings.

What you have described here is not friendship rather emotionally bullying...So be careful about becoming passive or lax with women, or any one for that matter.

Take Care

Morning Star

~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

#159205 - 05/31/07 10:31 AM Re: Needing advice on situation, maybe is triggers [Re: Muldoon]
MemoryVault Offline

Registered: 03/02/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
Hey, VN --

I agree with Tom. I don't know if it's a grooming issue, but it does sound like she has some serious problems and has latched onto you in an unhealthy way. Her checking up on your myspace friends is very alarming--it's invasive and manipulative. If she's telling you things that sound delusional, that's also more than you should have to deal with.

Above all, this doesn't feel good to you, and you have the right to respect that.


#159208 - 05/31/07 12:07 PM Re: Needing advice on situation, maybe is triggers [Re: MemoryVault]
Paul1959 Offline

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
I agree with all these guys. If she is writing you 8 emails a day (!!??) that alone is an unhealthy sign. She is fixating on her fantasy of you to be her rescuer, or an escape from her sad, lonely, or fearful life. She is an emotional vampire. If you think in terms of acting out, this is what she is doing. She is living off your life, your friends, your relationships. She is crossing many boundaries of yours and using you to fill her needs.
Visha, you simply do not need her or anyone like her in your life right now. Protect yourself and cut all communication. She almost surely has done the same thing to other people - probably in that group - which is why they don't like her. She may not realize she is doing it. She may be seeking intimacy in any way she can, but she is not healthy for you.
Trust yourself. Protect yourself.
my 2 cents

#159227 - 05/31/07 03:57 PM Re: Needing advice on situation, maybe is triggers [Re: Paul1959]
emptydreamer Offline

Registered: 05/19/07
Posts: 276
Loc: Midwest USA
Hi VN, I have to say that if I were in your situation, I think I would feel the same. As others have already said, she seems to have other motives than just to offer friendship and support. While she may not even realize how intrusive she is being, you should not allow her to continue. If you don't tell her how uncomfortable her actions make you, then in a way you are unwillingly leading her on.
Write her an explicit email, explain that you don't want to hurt her, but that there are things she is doing that make you very uncomfortable. Hopefully she will understand, and if she doesn't, you will know that you stood up, and confronted the issues, and at that point, it may be time to end any communication with her directly. Sorry you have to face this, as if we don't already have enough to deal with on a daily basis. Best wishes! Scott

I'm here for a reason. Failure is not an option.

#159235 - 05/31/07 05:53 PM Re: Needing advice on situation, maybe is triggers [Re: emptydreamer]
Barney Offline

Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 236
Loc: Southern Utah/Northern Arizon
The good thing is that you recognize what is happening is not right for you and your bringing it to our attention as well as your own. I would talk with one of the moderators and get their feedback and directions on how to handle this situation. Others here have given you some good information, listen to it and take the right kinds of steps for yourself.

Take care,


#159240 - 05/31/07 06:22 PM Re: Needing advice on situation, maybe is triggers [Re: Barney]
dean1320 Offline

Registered: 02/06/07
Posts: 129
Loc: Atlanta, GA , US
Quit chatting with her completely. I agree with Tom on this one. If you have feelings of not feeling comfortable with talking with her, then don't. Some people are not as they first appear to be. Don't let yourself fall down the same drain. Look after yourself, and keep posting.



#159261 - 05/31/07 11:12 PM Re: Needing advice on situation, maybe is triggers [Re: dean1320]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821

I agree with the guys above. This woman has crossed some serious boundaries with you and will continue to do it until you put a stop to it. Trust your instincts on this one, for they are right. She sounds like she is unstable and is not what you need in your life. Cut her loose.



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