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#158317 - 05/26/07 08:55 PM HELP ME, my bestfriends been through some bad stuf
worriedfriends Offline
New Here

Registered: 05/26/07
Posts: 4
This is my first post here and I'm scaried, worried, nervous, everything. My friend, my BEST friend, he's gay, me too, not that that matters or something. He confided in me, about a month ago that his oldest brother molestred him from about 5yrs to about 16yrs old. He didn't tell me what happened, not sure if I can handle it as I would want to go and beat the LIVING SH--out of his oldest brother. His older brother is a step brother and he's also gay. Anyway my friend tries to get over it, he's had lots of bad relationships and blames this on most of them, but actually knowing his relationships and the boyfriends he's had, he has met some really strange f---'ed people, if you get my drift that really aren't capable of having a relationship cause they have so much baggage. I did make an incredible bad comment/joke the other day, I use humor to get through all my childhood abuse, not sexual, just verbal and physical, so I do know his brother forced himself onto him, if you get my drift, thats all I know. What I am asking now is what should I do, what are some helpful things that he can do. I mean I'm there for him, completely and he has told me things, like this that he has NEVER told anyone on earth, which makes me feel really special and I'm going to work my ass of to help him best I can. He can talk about it sometimes so it's not terribly off limits. Any advice, please help, I also heard people talk about triggers, whats that mean??

Thanks and all the stories I have read, lets just say I've been through about a box of tissues already.

#158326 - 05/26/07 09:39 PM Re: HELP ME, my bestfriends been through some bad stuf [Re: worriedfriends]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

Welcome to Male Survivor, and bravo for standing by your friend like this. Having caring people around him who are trying to understand and support him will make all the difference in the world.

You asked about triggers. We call something a trigger if it sets off a sudden and extreme emotional reaction in us relating to our abuse experiences. For example, the man who abused me used a certain strong sweet aftershave, so since then just the smell of that aftershave "triggers" me, in the sense that it brings back a lot of vivid and terrible memories.

What can you do? Well, so many things - and some of them very simple. It will help him to be reminded repeatedly that abuse can never be the child's fault. That may seem obvious to you, but an abused boy will so often think that he caused everything himself and that feeling will remain with him. It will also help him to hear that you care and are ready to listen to him - and by that I mean really listen. Let him talk and show him that his feelings mean something to you. If he wants to talk, in other words, that doesn't necessarily mean he is looking to you for solutions. He may just need to unload how he feels.

Your friend may also feel very alone. He isn't! About 20% of boys are abused in some way before the age of 16, and knowing that others have the same difficulties will help him. When you don't feel like an absolute freak and totally alone it's easier to talk and seek the help you need.

There are several really good books out there that you can read. If you and your friend are adults I would personally recommend Mike Lew's Victims No Longer; if you are teens, a better bet is Cynthia Mather's How Long Does It Hurt.

Finally, if you can get your friend to come here that would be a good idea. This is a good safe place to talk about things, and he will find a lot of support here.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#158515 - 05/27/07 04:02 PM Re: HELP ME, my bestfriends been through some bad stuf [Re: roadrunner]
worriedfriends Offline
New Here

Registered: 05/26/07
Posts: 4
Thanks so much and yah were both 30, I was on the chatting thing yesterday and someone mentioned the mike lew book so I ordered it immediately from amazon. I'm going to read it and try to give it to him. His last experience was about 14 yrs ago and he says he's moved on, but I know you can't move on just like that from 11 yrs of hellish stuff that he and many of you brave people have gone through. I mean his innocence was ripped out of him. Thanks so much for the advice on the triggers. He did tell me a story yesterday about how him and couple friends were at a bar several yrs ago and he just started crying uncontrolably and couldn't stop, he said he was balling like a baby and everyone was shocked and I was thinking I wonder if he saw something or what not that triggered a bad memory.

#160295 - 06/06/07 11:38 PM Re: HELP ME, my bestfriends been through some bad stuf [Re: worriedfriends]
worriedfriends Offline
New Here

Registered: 05/26/07
Posts: 4
I wanted to let those nice people and you know who you are that I did get that book Victims no More and I'm reading it and highlighting certain parts that are importanit and I gave it to my friend and he was VERY thankful and couldn't believe that there was a group of people like this website devoted to this and surprised that there were books about it. He started reading it today and if he wants to talk thats fine as I'm reading it as well so I will be able to give input if he needs it and if he reads it and never says a think thats fine too. Basically the ball is in his court, he's leading the way in this struggle, but he knows the person right behind him on this journey is me, so he's not alone anymore!! I hope he keeps reading it.

thanks so all for all your help and advice


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