Mostly I am writing this to let out some steam but I also would like support and any advice that can be offered. I may or may not come back to this post with updates as things progress. There will most likely be sexual content, among other triggers.
A while ago I made this post
in the main forum when my boyfriend told me he cheated on me and I was having a horrible time dealing with it. Now we are trying to work things out and keep this relationship going. We have been seeing a counselor together for about 4 weeks now and are discovering a lot about each other and our relationship. The days have been getting better but still we have conflicts once and a while and when we do I tend to feel they are really bad. He doesn't really get mad at me and treat me badly. Mostly I get angry at him, don't talk to him and/or leave his house or get dropped off at mine.
This weekend has been pretty shitty. Saturday I had a football game (I play flag football in a gay league) and I hurt my back during the game. I had plans to visit a friend out of town and go to magic mountain (theme park) but because my back was hurting so badly I decided to call it off, much to my own disappointment. My boyfriend came over Sunday night, put some ice on my back and slept with me, that made me feel really loved.
Sunday morning we woke up and had sex. I bottomed for him, something that I still am not completely used to or comfortable with but am starting to enjoy and feel safe doing. I tend to talk pretty dirty while I am bottoming, probably because the physical feeling of it is not a huge turn on for me, so I try to find some mental stimulation. Well he eventually lost his erection and we stopped. I asked him about it and he said it was the dirty talk, that is sounded fake or porn like. He said something, jokingly, to the affect that he wanted me to keep my mouth shut. I felt terrible at this point, it was MY fault he lost his erection. Well, we started being intimate again and eventually we started going at it again, but after a while it just became too sore for me and we had to stop. After we finished, he mentioned something about my bottom having dry skin and maybe he could apply some lotion there for me to help it be dry.
I don't know what happened, but I started feeling really angry at him. It was like the "dry skin" comment was the last straw. So what if I have dry fucking skin, does that make me a terrible partner? I began to get angry at his criticism of my dirty talk as well, so I have to force myself to shut up? We went to church together and afterwards I could feel myself getting even more upset; I wasn't saying much to him. We went to breakfast together and I was outright ignoring him. He asked me why I wasn't talking to him, I said we would talk about it later, and he mentioned that it hurt him for me not to talk to him.
To be honest I felt screwed. After the cheating incident, I have been communicating a lot how I feel while on the other hand he almost never communicates how he feels. He prefers to sweep things under to rug, that "dwelling" on things is not healthy. So here I am, angry at him and yet finding myself confused because I if I try to work it out with him through words he is only going to be further upset with me.
After breakfast he took me to my house. I told him I was angry at him. He said he didn't understand why, but he had to get to work and so we would talk about it later. I wanted to talk about it at that point, but he shut me out. I was pissed, I said ok, we'll talk about it later, got out of his truck, went into my house and fell asleep because I felt horribly depressed. I was afraid this relationship was going to fall apart. I was afraid that it would continue to be one painful conflict after another. I was really afraid of being left alone.
There so many issues here including the cheating, my CSA and my physical/emotional abuse from my parents, plus my boyfriends issues. I am also feeling restless because I just got a new job which is very stable, my life feels like it is settling down, like all that's left is buying a house and from that point on nothing else interesting is going to happen. I haven't done anything fun like going camping or to a theme park in what seems like forever.
I just want some hope back, I miss that feeling that life is great and there are so many great experiences ahead of me.