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#157060 - 05/20/07 12:16 AM Re: sex [Re: MemoryVault]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

I think a lot of how guys feel will depend on what image of sex abuse left them with. In my case, abuse left me with the idea that sex was something that adults do to harm kids. That had to have an enormous impact on me in later years, though yes, I was sexually active. But all of that activity was dysfunctional in some way or another, and it wasn't until I met my wife that I discovered it could be so very different.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#157063 - 05/20/07 12:39 AM Re: sex [Re: roadrunner]
dannym Offline

Registered: 03/25/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Jarrad. I understand your point, but Eistien said:

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"

Those here who have an aversion to sex, or negative feelings about sex will probably have to discover where specifically those feelings originate.. are the guilt, shame, body image, etc. If they keep having sex without changing their attitude, feelings, triggers, or whatever, they probably will not get used to it and may even be making the problem worse...

Just some thoughts...


"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

#157066 - 05/20/07 01:06 AM Re: sex [Re: MemoryVault]
deck Offline

Registered: 08/19/06
Posts: 109
Loc: Indiana
I actually really appreciate this thread. It is a subject that I have a lot of problems with. I have a lot of difficulties with intimacy. I tend to be good friend. It seems very hard for people to understand but I feel a great amount of fear, shame and guilt in regards to sexual intimacy.

The people who molested me told me that I would "never be a man." My mother would tell me that I would "ruin a woman's life." I've had very little sexual experience and the experience that I have had has not necessarily been positive. I have been very repressed sexual because I am scared to death that I will harm someone mental, physcially or emotionally (fear). I tend to feel bad if I see a woman and think that she is attractive. This of course is a natural, instinctive thing- for a hetrosexual person to thing the opposite sex is attractive- but that doesn't I mean I don't feel guilt. I feel especially bad if the attractive person is a friend. So I constantly look for ways to "rule them out." I work with them, they're involved, there is an age difference, etc. Of course, "ruling them out" often reinforces the idea that I am less than desirable. On the extremely, rare occasions that something does happen. My mind usually ends up on overload until I breakdown in tears. Thinking that they do or will hate me and that I have commited some aggregous sin against God and man.

So it's not necessarily that I am avoiding sex now. It's that I always have. I would actually like to find someone that I could be close with but I honestly doubt that someone would find me worth the effort. There is quite frankly too much to overcome and far too many "normal", successful, worthwhile men out there.

I am glad that you don't struggle with this issue. In a lot of ways, the lack of physical intimacy is the most dehumanizing part for me.

I'm sorry my response went a little long. This is a great part of my struggle.

#157067 - 05/20/07 01:10 AM Re: sex [Re: MemoryVault]
buzz_key Offline

Registered: 03/31/07
Posts: 635
Loc: USA
I think youhit thenail on the head..."WHY am I having this sex?"
I spent so many years in 'acting out' sex...
I have just recently understood what was going on...


#157083 - 05/20/07 02:04 AM Re: sex [Re: Jarrad]
lostcowboy Offline

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 798
Loc: Rhode Island
Hi Jarrad, hope you don't mind, I am pasting a post that I gave to the ladies.
I am currently reading Sexual Anorexia by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D on page 72 figure 3.2 Core Beliefs for Three Obsessional States of mind. Draw three interlocking circles.
Core Beliefs, Common to the three states!
1. I am basically a bad unworthy person.
2. No one could love me as I am.
3. My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend on others.

Sexual Anorexics:
Sex is my most terrifying need.

Sex Addicts
Sex is my most important need.

Co-Addicts, (or codependent, (I added this word))
Sex is the most important sign of love.

Very few people are all of one type or another, there are many variations and combinations of the three types. Also couples can interact with each other. Couples can switch roles also, sometime one can be the addict, or the co-addict. Also there can be interactions with other types of addictions, deprivations.

Other types of abuse could cause this it does not have to be sexual abuse/rape that causes this.

Obviously the best way to handle this is with a therapist There are also 12 step programs for these addiction/co-addictions.
(SLAA) Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meetings
(RCA) Recovering Couples Anonymous

After the navy, I am not ready to trust a therapist, and I am not ready to go for a 12 step program at this time. So I am just reading.

Take care,

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

#157086 - 05/20/07 02:14 AM Re: sex [Re: lostcowboy]
sabata Offline

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1950
i dont do sex with other people.....i get rid of the urge i can get on with my life.....its really something i can do without.....yet i need to keep the urge far as getting close to other people for sex or what ever isant worth it.............steve

#157089 - 05/20/07 03:55 AM Re: sex [Re: MemoryVault]
mogigo Offline

Registered: 04/25/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey Jarrad, I think I need to tell you I have only been trying to heal for about nine months now. The sex will be good when I love myself enough to realize that I am worthy of it being loving rather than abusive. This won't come from having sex this will come from learning to trust myself and trust others. I probably will have a tough time the first time I have sex and probably many more times after, but unless I can believe that I deserve it to be loving, then the healing won't happen at all. I think your right to some extent, I will need to experience it before I can work on it, but I'm not going to work on that until the psycological work surrounding it is accomplished first.

Thanks for being happy I didn't explode, I was only kidding around Brother.



#157102 - 05/20/07 08:06 AM Re: sex [Re: mogigo]
Lantern Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/19/06
Posts: 55
Loc: UK
Sex is something that everyone deals with differently after the experiences we've all had.

Personally I have to learn to trust someone before anything can happen, unfortunately the last time I trusted someone it all went bad, so now I find it hard to even talk to a woman if there is even a possibility that something may come of it.

Which means I don't have sex, but it's more a result of not being in contact with women than a particular decision about sex itself.

I'm sure if I ever get to trust someone again I could eventually learn to trust her enough to want to be that intimate, but there's nothing on the horizon right now and I don't foresee any change in that.

Like I said, everyone deals with the sex problem differently, I don't think you should expect people to stand up for their "rights" because some (me included) don't feel we have a natural right to anything.

It's not what you've lost, but it's what you've found

#157208 - 05/20/07 11:10 PM Re: sex [Re: Lantern]
RICK57 Offline

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
To me it's just all about trust - I don't really have any left!

James Fowler made out like he was my best friend ever / replacement grandparent / replacement uncle / that I would be a man sooner than anyone else because of what he was teaching me - he lied on every point.

Got a girlfriend when I was 14 - she was 16. She finished it because she thought everyone would laugh at her for going out with a kid like me. I'd been groomed / abused 2 years earlier, so not only was it OK to be used, it was also amusing to others if I went out with an older female!

Next real girlfriend was a dental nurse on low pay. I paid for everything & thought we were very compatible. She got a better job and deeper pockets to go with the better pay. She was just using me - yet again it had taken me so long to realise I was being used. I was so stupid that I even went back there after going out with the next one - it was no different!

Next girlfriend was a registered nurse (notice how I kept picking the caring professions). She caused a row one night over no reason & I ditched her. She hated her brother's best friend. He'd just come back from working in a tax free environment and bought a newsagents outright - guess who she married not long after - I've seen her recently and she looks as miserable as sin! Tough! She was the love of my life, so I thought!

Next girlfriend was allegedly a really nice person. She had been engaged twice. One night I was not due to meet her and a friend rang and asked if I wanted to go to the local pub for a couple of pints. It was split into two main parts. We went into the bar, and as we were getting served, I looked through into the lounge. She was in there with her x boyfriend, tongue down his throat (he had 2 very young children at the time).

I wish I was more of a bastard, then I could just go and have sex with people for the hell of it! I've been hurt so much, that I can't do that to other people. That's why I fly solo!

Best wishes ...Rik

*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

#157210 - 05/20/07 11:19 PM Re: sex [Re: RICK57]
melliferal Offline

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 1159
Sex is OK, I guess. BTDT, and all - it's just not really that crucial to me. Once or twice every couple of years is more than I need to tide me over. On the ultra-rare occasion that I'm "getting some", I spend so much energy secretly pretending that I'm not really having sex, that I often wonder, "Why bother?"

Edited by melliferal (05/20/07 11:19 PM)
Children cannot consent; they can only comply.

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