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#15649 - 01/25/04 06:41 PM Did tell my wife
Printer57 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/21/04
Posts: 22
Loc: anytown, USA
First, and again, thanks to everyone who responded to my post. I did tell my wife of abuse I suffered over 30 yrs ago. I told her after I felt myself drifting "away from" who I am. More quiet then usual, withdrawn, sullen (depressed) etc.
It is unfair for her to think she had done anything so, after going to bed earlier then normal, she wanted to talk abt what was wrong with me.
At first I did not want to say anyhign, then I kinda broke down/broke open. Boy did I gush out.
I cried, close as I have ever been to hysterical. Couldn't breath, gasping for breath, not to be gross but mucus was every where...
I told her what happened, she wanted to hold me, but I told her not to touch me. I did not want any contact. was up most of the night, finally fell asleep at about 4am or so. Up again at 6am
She is afraid she can't help me, but I assured her that she has always been there for me and that I count on her. I opened up about how objectivly i know full well that this cannot happen to me again, that I could protect myself but it is the sujective emotions and felings that are so raw. when I was telling her what happended to me as I'm lying in the fetal position, begging her not to come close to me, as I cried, and thrashed about saying how sorry I was to have her have to hear this, but I wanted her to know it wasn't her. She did nothing wrong.
Now, time will tell how I next continue onward.
I only know my head hasn't stopped hurting, my heart is racing and breathing rapid..have anxiety and panic issues right now.
So, again, another long winded post from me. I'm sure it is a rambling one as well but you guys are the only ones I can share this with. Thanks for being there.
Peace be with all of us.

#15650 - 01/25/04 06:52 PM Re: Did tell my wife
Leosha Offline

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I am glad you were able to tell her, and she will be support to you. I wish you continued good luck.


Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

#15651 - 01/25/04 06:59 PM Re: Did tell my wife
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
WOW ! That was tough - but good eh ?

I told my wife at the dinner table, the dinner went cold :rolleyes:
And I felt so weird for the next few weeks, I was up and down like adamned elevator.
I told her what happened and that I'd already enquired about therapy, but then we went on holiday for 4 weeks, so it ended up nearly 2 months before I got there, that was tough as well, I didn't what to do or what to say.

But for all that time our relationship started to get better, something to do with the level of trust I guess, and it's got even better since. ( 5 years )

Make sure she gets some hugs and remember to tell her just how much you really love her, you've both got some hard time to come, but together it's going to be so much easier.

Good luck to you both

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#15652 - 01/25/04 07:02 PM Re: Did tell my wife
RICK57 Offline

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Printer - when I first spoke out, I was in much the same way as you describe yourself. Soon these horrible feelings were overtaken by an immense calm that I had never remembered feeling before. I still waver between feeling good and feeling negative, but the negative feelings are so much less debilating than they were before.

Take slow deep breaths, this will help to calm you. Don't rush yourself - think how long it has taken for you to speak out, you cannot expect to dissipate all of that stored up pain immediately.

We're all with you here!

Best wishes ...Rik

*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

#15653 - 01/25/04 07:36 PM Re: Did tell my wife
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1986
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Wow Painter,

The "secret" is less secret now. Now your wife understands what has been happening to you lately and won't be mislead into thinking it was her. I applaud the strength it took to let her know.

From your writings, you wife sounds like a wonderful woman, capable of giving you much needed support. Take care of yourself so you can take care of her.

Take care,

Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

#15654 - 01/26/04 09:41 AM Re: Did tell my wife
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Painter what a truly great step you took. After I did what you did I did not want to be touched either.

But then I reasoned to myself that she still loved me even though she knew everything and that I never wanted to try and destroy good things in my life because I did not deserve good things.

She is my Rock and I suspect your wife is the same to you.



#15655 - 01/26/04 12:32 PM Re: Did tell my wife
Printer57 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/21/04
Posts: 22
Loc: anytown, USA
Thanks Fellas for your replys and support. After 36 hours or so, I looked back and it was a very 'Sybil" moment for anyone who saw that movie.
Feeling bad abt feeling bad right now. Feeling very selfish, in the not good selfish way. I know there are times i have to put myself first...its the unknowing now of where my expose' of the truth in my life and where it will lead me that weighs on my head.
Still having bad headaches, and milder panic/anxiety episodes. Funny, not interested in eating, when I've been depressed in the past, never stopped me as my waistline shows! Times I'm on the verge of crying but I do not want another meltdown. Least not with my wife. I imagine it was very scary to watch. I have dealt with people with psy. issues my prof. life so I've seen before what i must have looked like to her. I've been the one in the family who never gets upset or flustered and handles everything.
Oh boy what a mess.
Anyway, I really feel your support, thanks again.
Peace be with us all.

#15656 - 01/26/04 05:12 PM Re: Did tell my wife
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills

I went through that scenario with my wife after I started therapy. I waited until after our 28th anniversary dinner to tell her. Yes, it was a bit scary; yes, it was unsettling for both of us; and most importantly, yes, it was worth it. She was so supportive, she didn't know what to do but she was there for me when I needed her.

Take good care of yourself,


I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

#15657 - 01/29/04 03:55 AM Re: Did tell my wife
Texas_Mike Offline

Registered: 01/17/04
Posts: 135
Loc: San Antonio, Texas-The Lone-St...

It took strength and courage to do what you did. Congratulations.

You must have a solid relationship with your wife. You are very fortunate to have her. She must be a good friend too. Lucky you.

I never told my ex-wives (maybe if I had they wouldn't be ex).....did tell a couple girlfriends.

There are two days in every week
that we should not worry about,
Two days that should be kept free,
from fear and apprehension.
One is Yesterday
with its mistakes and cares,
its faults and blunders,
its aches and pains.
Yesterday has passed forever
beyond our control.
All the money in the world
cannot bring back yesterday.
We cannot undo a certain act
or take back a word we've said-
Yesterday is gone.
The other day we shouldn't
worry about is Tomorrow-
with its impossible adversaries,
its burdens, its hopeful promise,
and poor performance.
Tomorrow's sun
with either rise in splendor
or behind a mask of clouds,
but it will rise
and until it does,
we have no stake in tomorrow,
for it is yet unknown.
This leaves only one day-
Any person can fight the battle
for just one day.
It is only when we add
the burdens of yesterday
and tomorrow that we break down.
The sadness comes not from
the experience of today
but the remorse of bitterness
for something which happened yesterday
and the dread of what
tomorrow may bring.

Good luck.

"Passion, excitement, and confidence are the important medicines that you need every day."


"Passion, excitement, and confidence are the important medicines that you need every day"

Run 2 Live-Live 2 Run

"The Desert Runner" Mike

#15658 - 01/29/04 10:35 AM Re: Did tell my wife
James_dup1 Offline

Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
As I was reading your post I had to hold back my tears. It sounded so much like me when I told my wife about my abuse. The crying, the shaking, the mucus, throwing up. I laid in fetal possion for hours and just cried. You will not be sorry for telling I dont think. This crap that was done to us loves to hide in the dark and phester and grow, the more light we put on it the less of a hold it has on us. Keep up the good fight brother. (((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

I have more issues than Rolling Stone!

#15659 - 01/29/04 12:19 PM Re: Did tell my wife
Leosha Offline

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
You are both in a very vulnerable time and place right now. Please know that it will NOT be an easy journey. BUT, I do believe with you having been honest with her, this is going to be much better for you, for you both, to better understand what the other is feeling, and what is happening with it all. You've done well to be able to tell her, I know that is a very hard thing to do, to tell any loved one. I wish you continued good luck.


Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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